28.10.2020

Children’s questions about sex become dangerous only after parents react incorrectly

Bad news for conservatives: no matter how much you write angry letters to the management of TV channels and other “corrupt people” – your child is likely to find out about sex earlier than you planned it.Did you spank the child, catching him behind the mantle? In response to a question – where does the baby come from in my mother’s tummy – did the conversation lead to the sky-high distances? In vain, because the main rules of the topic “about this” – do not be embarrassed, not indignant, do not get scared and do not lie when you hear a ticklish question.

The first question that the child asks: “Where did I come from?”. “It is necessary to immediately exclude stories about the stork and cabbage – because it will undermine the confidence in parents in the future,” warns sexologist and therapist Igor Poperechny. – The most important rule is always to answer all the questions that arise without breaking off with the phrase “It’s too early for you to know” and answer as truthfully as possible. ” As Mr. Perepachny explains, at the preschool age the child has enough general information that he appeared as a result of the love of his father and mother, he does not yet need technical details. More accurate information should be given as early as 7 years, and by the age of 12-13 the child should have full knowledge – first of all about contraception.

“The problem is that in our schools, the information that you need to have in the sixth grade is given only in high school,” says Igor Poperechny.

On the question of what to prefer – a personal conversation or in time podsunutyu book – specialists have no unequivocal answer. The conversation as a whole is preferable, but, ultimately, this matter is individual. The book is good because it allows you to keep some distance between parents and the child, protects his own intimate space. Even greater distance, of course, allows you to preserve the ancient method of sexual education “Street tell!”, But on this his dignity ends. Do you remember how Katka herself explained the essence of love and sex on the example of drawings on the fence? Agree, both in content and in emotional evaluation, this was not the most reliable information.

Sometimes – given the layout and tightness of our apartments, – the picture accidentally comes before theoretical preparation. The situation in which the kid did not look in time at the parent’s bedroom is, of course, better to warn in advance – first, the doors should be closed, and secondly, it would be good for all family members to learn to knock on the door before entering (this, incidentally, to parents, especially the parents of a teenager).

But if the child still witnessed an intimate scene between the parents, the main advice – without panic! It is important that the situation is not imprinted in the child’s memory as something negative and terrible.

“A small child is likely to see a fight in this scene, a fight,” Igor Pereperchny explains. – And the frightened faces of the parents are only emphasized. The child at the age of four already has an intuitive understanding of the process – he simply can not formulate it – and some sense of tact. Therefore, he will most likely leave the room. And the parents themselves should go out to him with a smile, calm, not ingratiating and not justifying themselves. If the child does not ask questions, do not need to explain anything. A similar quiet reaction should be, and for example, when watching movies with erotic scenes – without screams “Get out of the room” and hasty channel switching. “

Parents raised in Soviet kindergartens, can remember the humiliating actions of teachers to combat “masturbation.” Here it is necessary to learn that modern specialists do not see anything terrible or abnormal in child masturbation. Punishing, shaming and intimidating a child is the worst thing to do. 

“Childhood masturbation is an integral part of the development of sexuality,” commented Manana Koridze-Datunishvili, a psychotherapist and candidate of medical sciences. – This is a psycho-hormonal act. And in this case, the parent must be extremely correct, do not cross the intimate border of the child. “

However, permanent masturbation can have neurotic reasons. “To worry and think about consultation with a specialist is necessary only if the child masturbates very often – 20 times a day or his interest in sex is obsessive psychopathic. If the parents react calmly, without agiotage, the emphasis will gradually switch to something else, “explains Igor Poperechny.

In this topic there is only one really terrible word – pedophiles. What explanations reinforce the unshakable rule: not to talk with strangers and not respond to their invitations? Igor Transverse recommends: not letting the fog out, but without going into too much detail, letting the child know that there are people who threaten his life and health. “In the subtleties of pedophilia, children under the age of seven do not need to dedicate – they do not have a mental organization for this,” says Mrs. Koridze-Datunishvili. At the same time, the ban on dangerous acquaintances with outsiders should be stronger than another rule – “obey adults”.

“On the one hand, adults should not be rude, adults should be listened to, one can not shout loudly in the street,” explains the psychologist at the Meridian A center Elena Tokareva. “On the other hand, because of this prohibition, a child may not be able to protect himself from dangerous adults-when it is necessary, on the contrary, to scream, call for help.” So that obedience does not become dangerous, Elena Tokareva recommends to unleash the child, to remove excessive shyness, to let him scream and make noise in places where it does not hurt anyone. 

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