A couple of years – and no one will take

The attempt to marry out of fear of loneliness can lead to sad consequences

When the best friend is getting married, and the younger sister has been dating guys for a long time, the prospect of living the rest of her life with cat Murka is alarming and a little scary. Especially if everyone around you, as if by agreement, jokes about the topic of age and marriage, all the melodramas end with a wedding, and you never found your soul mate. About what leads to fear of loneliness and how to deal with it, specialists recognized the correspondent SHE. 

Have it with you
In itself, a woman’s desire to acquire a family or simply find a loved one is understandable and does not raise questions. “A person has two tendencies – the tendency of the individual to realize himself as an individual and the tendency to unite with someone to achieve common goals,” says psychologist Alexander Zhukov, director of the LAD Center. – In the first case, a person refuses others, and in the second, from himself. ” However, if the desire to abandon oneself becomes an obsession, if any company seems to be better than privacy, one should be on the alert. In this case, a woman is not able to achieve satisfaction from life independently, as a result, she suffers, and those men with whose help she seeks to achieve her goal.

“Loneliness and solitude are fundamentally different things,” explains the psychologist, the founder of the Institute of Counseling Alain Sagadeev. – Loneliness is usually called longing for some unknown Other, who will come and change life for the better. 

These hopes almost never come true if a woman does not know how to live with pleasure and pleasure in solitude, in nature, at a concert, with a book or doing cleaning. ” 

Pressure from outside
Despite the fact that women have not looked at the floor for a long time, when they talk to a man, modern society denies them the right to be happy without a partner. A man of thirty is still an enviable groom, while a woman of the same age is practically an old maid. “Socium dictates the age at which a successful woman should marry, in which – to give birth to the first child. It’s not feelings, hopes, dreams that form a couple, but a prescription, says psychologist Alena Sagadeeva. “If a woman does not comply with these prescriptions, she is exposed to explicit or implicit condemnation in the form of jokes such as” well, when you are already finally going to stop waiting for the prince “or” I want grandchildren “from my mother.” In such conditions for a woman who is not sure of her attractiveness, a man becomes a kind of lifebuoy,

In addition to external factors, internal and, more precisely, those that are related to the parents’ installations. According to Ms. Sagadeeva, the female fear of loneliness is usually associated with the condemnation of her feminine essence or with her incorrect assessment.

It is formed in children through the behavior and attitude of parents. Often children simply read this fear from parents who are afraid of loneliness in their parental life. 

“Indeed, the identity of a woman is formed through mom and dad. But where are they? Single mothers, fathers – workaholics, alcoholics, drug addicts, complains Alexander Zhukov, reminding of serious social problems. – On what patterns to form a holistic harmonious personality for the girl? “. According to him, as a result, the opposite attitude can arise when a woman declares that everything will be different in her, not as in the parent family: “There is a denial of reality and there are increased claims – another person is idealized and turns into a saint, which can not be found among ordinary people. ” 

Save who can
According to psychologists, the fear of loneliness is a neurotic reaction to the lack of ability to stay with oneself in harmony. The anxiety inherent in any neurotic need, and the desire to find rest, most often lead to indiscrimination. 

The inability to enjoy yourself, the inability to realize and satisfy one’s desires (because it is impossible, wrong, indecent) give rise to an urgent need for a person next to whom a woman can be herself. “This is due to the inability to treat yourself with love and respect. In men, this fear is partly removed through active activity, and in women – through building relationships, – says Alena Sagadeeva. – The meeting often turns into disappointment. Necessity is associated with evaluating oneself as a person. I need it – it means it’s good, I do not need it – it means it’s bad. “

You can, of course, get married in order to cope with their complexes, or not to upset your mother and make her happy with her grandchildren, or to hide from friends with their endless morals and family photos. But just be prepared for the fact that you will not be happy.

Guided by fear, a woman is not able to choose a suitable man for her, psychologists are sure. Moreover, it is impossible to build reliable and harmonious relations with him. 

This house will not have a foundation – any word or action can easily destroy it. “This is a huge mistake! – warns Alexander Zhukov. – The fear of being one on one with oneself is prompted to look for at least someone who would be close. But fear has big eyes – a person is inadequate in choosing a partner. And after a while my eyes open: my God, with whom I live! “. 

Alone, all alone
Do you remember that anecdote when a man who lost his wife sighed sorrowfully: “Alone, all alone …”? After some time, he rethought this phrase and already happily repeated: “Alone! Completely alone!”. Do not put a cross on yourself and be hammered into a corner – you need to understand what is happening, and in this regard change your perception of the situation. Alena Sagadeeva recommends starting with mastering the state of the curious curiosity of the experimenter and in this state, get acquainted with the present. Watch what pleases, and independently organize it yourself, without waiting for the prince who will come and save you from confinement. In her opinion, fear is just an arrow, a pointer, which one should pay attention to: “Is it terrible to be alone? And you try! Well, at least a couple of days! What’s happening? What is missing? How can you organize this yourself? In this case, you will not simply cease to be afraid of loneliness, but you will periodically look for it, as there will always be someone nearby who will want to share these beautiful conditions. “

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