There is an expression: “Inner beauty was invented by those who do not have external, spiritual wealth – who does not possess material”.This could be considered a cynical chatter if in recent times the phrase did not have a new ending: “… and the happiness of motherhood was invented by those who do not possess any other.
“And, what is especially surprising, today with this statement according to a large number of women. Women, who for centuries as a destination, society stubbornly attributes the birth of a child.
But among the fair sex there are more and more people who categorically refuse this mission to fulfill. Why the maternal instinct is not awakened by everyone and whether it is necessary to do something about it, the correspondent of SE explained.
If instinct did not wake up
“As long as I can remember, both before and now, I dislike the appearance of the child in general. Just a disgusting piece. ” “I’m shivering at the thought that once I have to spend my precious time on a child.” “I love my body and I do not want to spoil the perfect health with the birth of a child, whom I may not love.” For most of us, this may seem wild. Nevertheless, all this is the statements of real women, healthy, successful and even married, taken from one of the resources where the so-called childfree talks are exchanged – people who deliberately refused to give birth.
They are not frightened at all by social insecurity, many of them are very well-off, they simply do not want to have children, for various reasons. No arguments about the happiness of motherhood and a glass of water in their old age do not touch them. They assure,
“There is a point of view that maternal instinct is a myth,” says psychotherapist Nikita Lezin, director of the Center for Psychological Aid Harmony.
Reluctance to have children is more likely due to the presence of three social roles for a woman: mother, wife and free woman who is being realized. Depending on the era, the behavior of society is dominated by one, then another. Today, under the influence of the social order, the role of the third person comes to the forefront. ”
When the state is not able to provide a woman with the role of a protected mother, the fair sex chooses another, more important role. However, the society itself considers the childless women to be selfish, and some psychologists assure that every woman has a maternal instinct since birth, and if it is absent, this indicates very deep problems in the psyche.
Nikita Lezin considers this an exaggeration: “This is, rather, not a problem, but a consequence of problems that were in childhood. Previously, people lived in large families, older children were accustomed to caring for younger ones, and today in most families there is one child who does not know what is caring for someone. If a woman does not have this experience, she subconsciously fears responsibility, mistakes. “
Who is guilty?
On forums chayldfri rarely admits that he simply does not want to take responsibility, they often tell, on the contrary, that they were deprived of their childhood, having forced to nurse with three brothers from seven years. “Negative attitude towards children from members of large families can be caused by the fact that the experience was negative,” comments Nikita Lezin. “If parents were rough with the child, they loaded him with complicated duties, paid little attention, then adults will only know this pattern of behavior with children, will not be able to love them.”
A common reason – the unwillingness to spoil a figure – usually carries with it the fear of ceasing to be an interesting partner and remain alone. Many are afraid that after a maternity leave they can not be realized in the profession.
One way or another, but under the deep philosophy of childfree, ordinary fear usually hides. But, fortunately, among the women who deliberately refused to have childbirth, real childfree is not so much. A common cause for today is the lack of social protection for future mothers. “Young girls are most likely to abort pregnancy, which their argument is justified by the lack of normal conditions for the upbringing of the child,” says Lyudmila Daychman, head of the department of gynecology at the Road Clinical Hospital. “As a rule, they very much want to have children in the future, but at the moment they consider this to be impossible: there is no husband, no shelter and no money to support the child.”
What to do?
The absence of a maternal instinct is not considered a disease, but many assure that a nulliparous woman risks her health. “From a medical point of view, it’s impossible to talk about the need to give birth,” Lyudmila Daychman is sure. – Women sometimes die during childbirth, from the point of view of gynecology there are no contraindications to reject them, of course, if it is not about abortion.
” Those who knowingly decided not to give birth, as a rule, are little concerned with the underlying prerequisites for this. But it also happens that the woman is trying to press the environment, including her husband, and the mother’s instinct at the same time sleeps as before. “Unwillingness to give birth should not cause pressure on a woman,” said Nikita Lezin. “If she wants her instinct to wake up, he’ll certainly wake up.” Sometimes the help of a specialist is needed to overcome fears,
And if such a man does not appear, then when a free, strong woman slaps 35, perhaps she will simply get tired of loneliness and want that next there was still someone native. And here all the same it is necessary to accept the most important decision in life, having rejected all former fears and principles. The main thing, according to doctors, is not too much to postpone this decision: giving birth is better until the age of 30. If the enlightenment comes much later, the dream of youth about life only for itself can become a reality forever, even with a large salary and a three-room apartment.