If a woman is at least 25, the first question she heard from everyone is “Did you get married?”. No one thinks about relevance in this case. “For some reason no one asks if she graduated from the institute, whether she realized herself as a person or read Hegel’s Philosophical Notebooks,” the psychotherapist Alexander Butskikh refers to England, where the absence of a husband from a 35-year-old woman is not yet an excuse for that that she before each neighbor and mother of former classmates accounted for her personal life.
Under such pressure of society, loneliness is a big problem for people with low self-esteem and an orientation toward an external evaluation of themselves.
“For such people, the absence of a number of men is a sign of their incorrectness,” says psychotherapist of the Sibneymore Center Igor Pozhidaev.
Bonuses from loneliness
Many women, having parted with a man, immediately try to prove to him and to all that are in demand and forget that rushing to the first person on the counter can miss out on their own person. In order not to drag old grievances and mistakes into new relations, but really start anew, psychologist Vladimir Pirotsky advises to wait about three months after parting. This time can be spent with great benefit.
1. Prospects. A woman is afraid to be alone, but it’s no less terrible to live or be together with an unsuitable person, when you feel that your life is going downhill. Loneliness creates a situation of opportunity, says Butskikh: “The knowledge that it is potentially free and can meet anyone and at any time, inspires and gives strength.”
2. Personal growth. Left alone, you can finally recognize yourself. After all, often, merging with a partner, a woman loses herself. As the heroine Julia Roberts in the movie “The Runaway Bride” with one man loved an egg fried egg, with the second – an omelette, with a third – hard-boiled eggs, and left alone, decided to find out what kind of cooking eggs she personally likes.
3. Creativity. It has long been known that great works are often born in solitude and suffering. Some creative people even deliberately resort to this method of obtaining inspiration, sublimating unused sexual energy and painful states into creative activity. It is not necessary to write snotty poems. You can do some hobbies that you did not have time to do before.
4. Independence.Left alone, the woman understands what functions her man performed – entertained, protected, provided materially – as far as it was valuable and important to her. Now all this she will have to do herself. Vladimir Pirotsky believes that this will give an opportunity to become a more independent woman, to acquire new skills: “Loneliness can become healing for a person – you can become self-sufficient.”
5. Useful depression. Immediately after the breakdown of past relationships, starting a new woman passes the stage of catharsis – purification through suffering, Butskikh considers.
The therapist talks about the unnaturalness of technical thinking when we seem to turn off the “suffer” button and turn on the “positive”: “In psychoanalysis, denying depression is a manic state. This is a protection characteristic of a very young age. This kind of positive always smells bad. ”
The therapist talks about the harmfulness of advice such as “color your hair, smile, prove” – such suppression will sooner or later come out sideways.
It’s time to search
First without a man, some women really enjoy life, but if he’s not there, panic begins. “It’s normal to be one about as much as in the previous times of separation, if it does not go beyond half a year. More than half a year – it’s already a bit too much for an uncommunicative person, “- concluded the verdict Igor Pozhidaev.
How to get out of the vicious circle, if you have been running on it alone for six months already?
Determine the goal. Specialists in the work with the goal believe that the more specific the goal is, the faster you will achieve it. However, the tantrist Petr Ostrikov considers this technique harmful: “The more requirements, the less likely to meet a person who will meet them. The word “goal” – from the hunting area, with this approach, relations will be destructive, built and further on the requirements. ”
Stop programming yourself for loneliness.First, remove the “hungry shine” from the eyes that scares. “The most suitable mood is not” I really want to get acquainted “, but” In general, I probably do not mind acquaintance “, – advises Igor Pozhidaev. It is important to try alone or with the help of a psychologist to understand what mistakes you make, why you are left alone. But do not reproach yourself, but work on them and find as many reasons for joy as possible. “Do so that someone is lucky to find you, and then you are lucky to find someone,” Pozhidaev quotes the American psychologist Eric Berne.
Refuse the consumer point of view.Often women seek a man to entertain, keep, guard, or at least just to be, for a tick. “If new relationships are established for some purpose, then they do not work. Man feels this, and he does not want to be used as a support, to whose role he is not yet ready, – notes Vladimir Pirotsky, – a new relationship can then arise when a person is open to the world, free internally and simply wants to feel more fully happiness from communication , and not solve some of their problems. ”
And, of course, you need to visit often in interesting places, smile and be sociable, respond to offers and not be afraid to embark on adventures. After all, as the tantrist Petr Ostrikov correctly noted: “Love, it is such a big adventure, but very interesting, what can happen to a man”