Mom, I can not live with you

If young lovers have nowhere to live, but they really want to marry, they often choose the option of settling under the wings of the parents of one of the spouses. 

As the research shows, with every third family living with their parents in Russia. About what problems the young couple will have to face and how to build a family happiness, if it has to be created in a room, the correspondent of SE recognized.

Joint living with parents can destroy a young family

Women’s zone

So, the young couple declared themselves an independent cell. The agenda of the day is building the boundaries of the family. In a good way, young people are highly recommended to live separately not only for reasons of convenience. As explained by the gestalt psychotherapist of the psychological center “Between Us” Olga Bocharnikova, each of the young spouses is the bearer of the foundations of his family (elder family).

And to form their own foundations, which they can pass to the children, a young cell needs to go through a period of adaptation, grinding. And this happens in the first year of cohabitation. That’s why since ancient times young people were evacuated from their parents’ house right after the wedding: it’s very simple to interfere with the delicate balance of a young family during this period.

“Clear boundaries of the family are established, and the children are forced to only attach themselves to the already existing boundaries of the senior family. And this causes immediate discomfort, “- says Olga Pavlovna, adding, however, that grinding in young men and women takes place in different ways.

Ironically, the “come” man adapts easier: the fact is that the mother-in-law, even older, he subconsciously perceives as a woman, and he has a lot of tricks in order to respond to women’s remarks. 

In addition, the girl herself successfully protects her husband from the mother: she can easily unscrew her if necessary, without experiencing great discomfort.

It’s quite another thing – when a bride brings a guy into the house. “Please note that we have a lot of anecdotes about my son-in-law and mother-in-law – and there is almost no mother-in-law,” Olga Bocharnikova says, conducting a biological analogy: “In animals, if the younger female comes to the older female in the pack, what does the elder do to her?” She subordinates her, and if she does not obey, she is expelled. ” The same thing with people: a young woman comes to a family where everything is settled. And so the mother, as the eldest in the family, is disposed towards the young wife negatively.

On the question of why young people usually do not have similar problems with a father-in-law or father-in-law, the psychologist responds like this: “In a man, the psyche of a corporation and solidarity, the hunter’s instinct makes him bring prey, unite. A woman is assigned to build a lair, to preserve and protect it from other females, older or younger, by nature she is cunning and ruthless.

In addition, in her son, according to the classics of psychology, she sees an ideal man, because he brought it up and implemented everything that a woman wanted to see in her husband. The more successful the guy, the more the mother has unconscious jealousy. ” 

In order to get along with her mother-in-law, Olga Bocharnikova advises to act in a feminine manner, cunningly: copying the habits of the elder woman and obeying her rules, you can soon “take power into your own hands.”

Warm place

However, everywhere there are exceptions. There will also be those couples who will shrug their shoulders in puzzlement: “What problems, we live soul to soul.” They can also be understood: the presence of mom and dad in the house allows you not to worry because of the eternal question “what shall we eat for dinner”. But this can be a symptom no less disturbing than an eternal swearing. If young people enjoy using the hospitality of elders, this can be a plausible pretext not to grow up, psychologists say.

“Generally, it’s normal: you got married, you have a knapsack in your hands – and for rented accommodation, at least you need to try at least in the first year so that there are no prying eyes,” says Olga Bocharnikova, warning that if there is no conflict of generations, then another problem may arise: – Prasemia subconsciously, from the best of motives perceives a young family as their children, and in fact it turns out that a girl or a boy was dragged into the house of a brother or sister. And this starts a lot of problems. ”

Mom and Dad forget that these boys and girls have sex and prepare grandchildren, and so allow themselves to make comments, go in bad time, without knocking, advise how to live and what to eat. Olga Bocharnikova recommends the help to take, but only stipulating its volumes:

“Unless the terms are set, infantilism will not disappear anywhere, and after five years of marriage such a wife will see that the man does not really decide anything, and he in turn will understand that the wife can not play the role of” neck “, on which everything keeps. ” 

If assistance in everyday life can be taken, but dosed, then “help” in the relations of the young these relations will only spoil. You can not take it out of the hut, even if this hut is just a room. Family psychologist ZSMU “Zdravitsa” Elena Latysh considers the coalitions to be especially dangerous, which often arise in large, multi-core families. For example, if a grandmother joins with her mother against her husband, or the grandmother covers the children’s pampering, saying “we will not tell my mother” – this weakens the integrity of a small family.

Children’s issue

However, children are a separate issue. “This is generally very serious. If the girl gives birth – and I’m not for nothing saying “girl” – then, in fact, she gives birth to a child for a surrogate mother. The family as such does not happen here at all: the obligations are confused and, most importantly, the rights, “warns Olga Bocharnikova. Such children unconsciously read who is in the house “main”, and it turns out that their own mother and father are at the level of brother-sister. As a result, problems arise in order to gain credibility from their own children.

Elena Latysh adds: if in a large family the child’s borders are violated and seven nurses try to raise him, do not be surprised that, as a teenager, he will start to riot desperately. Or, on the contrary, it will close in itself, building a small world, which was deprived of it.

“Only parents can solve the issue of upbringing. The child should have a clear position: there are parents who love and educate me, but there is a grandmother and grandfather who love me and care. No one should confuse functions, “resumes Elena Lytysh, recalling the most important thing: only parents have the right to punish children.

After all, if the full responsibility for farming and raising children helps to strengthen the family, is this not a reason not to be afraid of overcoming difficulties together?

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