“Selyanka, do you want a big and pure love?” – one of the heroes of the film “The Formula of Love” asked. “But who does not want it?” – the village answered wisely. More often than not, love really wants, they dream about it, certainly about the big, by all means about the pure.
The love advertised by poets as a complete merger of two people becomes a dream. I want to really, that “for two, only one breath.” However, sometimes it becomes difficult with time: one of the lovers wants to breathe a full breast, while the second perceives it as a betrayal.
Traditionally, the term “dependence” is associated with drugs and alcohol. These dependents are treated differently: they feel sorry, despised, try to help. However, it will not come to anyone’s head to help a woman who says that she can not live a day without her beloved. This is a great happiness, praised in books and films, worthy of envy rather than sympathy! This is suffering, but suffering, approved by the society. That is why of all kinds of dependence, love is the least recognized. However, a huge number of people give their lives in the hands of others, “sitting down” on them.
“Love addiction (addiction) is a fixation on another person with a violent passion,” says psychologist Elena Gutenberg. – Due to cultural and biological factors, such dependence is more typical for women. The root of this passion is not love, but fears of being alone, being unloved, unworthy, etc. The more love and obsession with another person, the deeper fears. ” With love addiction, a person becomes so attached to another that he ceases to be interested in his environment or even in himself. All his life he devotes to the object of his love. Remember, as in the song: “On you a white light came together …”?
The whole world is narrowed to one person, everything else is cut off as unnecessary. Beloved, like a drug, becomes the only source of satisfaction, the only remedy that soothes and helps to feel safe.
Still Sigmund Freud draws a parallel between love and hypnosis: “From falling in love to hypnosis, one short step. Obviously, both are relations of consent between the two. This is the same modest subordination, the same compliance, the same lack of criticism towards the hypnotist, as to the beloved object. The same exhaustion of one’s own initiative … The hypnotist (beloved) is the only object, and do not pay attention to anything other than him. ”
Slaves are not we?
If we talk about the psychological portrait of the addict, they can become a person who lacks self-confidence. He fears failures, perceives the world around him as a bunch of dangers. “He controls others, but he also allows himself to be controlled,” says Elena Gutenberg. – It is characterized by obsessive behavior, impulsiveness and violent behavior, increased anxiety. To feel safe, he sticks to another person, without which he can not survive. ”
This occurs as a result of total control or lack of attention on the part of parents. “And they find partners who are unable to give this love and care,” the psychologist continues. “But they can return what they lacked in their childhood, try to correct the situation at any cost.” Moreover, it is possible to recreate the familiar atmosphere of childhood and feel comfortable and comfortable because of this. ”
A child can, in childhood, see the dependence mechanism of the parent – alcohol, psychological or narcotic. In this case, he simply does not have anyone to learn how to solve problems and enter into battle with undesirable circumstances. To cope with fear, he seeks support in an external source.
How is the dependence manifested?
Many of the love symptoms, which are traditionally perceived as signs of high feelings, may, on closer examination, be symptoms of addiction. Of course, the desire to be as long as possible next to a loved one, the excitement before a meeting, the need to share the most expensive and intimate does not require a diagnosis. But the main thing here is the dose.
“Two people, passionately attracted to each other, accept the intensity of falling in love, this is a state of madness from each other, for proving the intensity of their love, while this can only be proved by the degree of their previous solitude,” writes psychologist Erich Fromm.
If a woman tries in every possible way to keep the man next to her, secretly afraid of competition (suddenly someone else can give him joy and pleasure?) If she is always lacking in love, but wants more and more if she goes to the victims who destroy her as a person (this, by the way, often no one asks), then this love gets the unpleasant smell of selfishness. Sacrifice and self-denial of an addict are explained very simply – not reaching maturity, integrity, he tries to compensate for the missing part with the help of the object of his passion. But the stronger the craving for the object, the less likely that maturity will ever come – on the contrary, over the years the person will become weaker.
find 10 differences
If you think that you have lost your own “I”, completely dissolved in a person, psychologists recommend asking yourself a few questions. Are each of you confident in your own worth? Have you become better, more perfect through relationships? Do you keep interests outside of love relationships – do you maintain relationships with friends, relatives, colleagues? Can you relate to the achievements and interests of a partner without jealousy and possessiveness? Could you be friends if you were not lovers?
Negative answers to one or two questions do not mean that you are dependent on a man, because any relationship contains elements of dependence. However, if the relationship is cut off from the outside world, do weaker, more closed, then this is an occasion for reflection. There is another question that will help to distinguish dependence on true love: do you want the beloved to be happy more than that he was with you?
What if you are already addicted?
Psychologist Elena Gutenberg recommends changing the habitual behavior, sending all the energy to yourself. To do this, it is important to listen to yourself, recognize your own value and uniqueness:
“Look at your problems and shortcomings, find the reasons for the trouble and make sure that they are yours personally and have nothing to do with the partner. In addition, stop controlling the partner and manipulating him.
Give him the opportunity to understand his own troubles and problems, to answer for his life without your participation. In this case, you can continue to love him, but not to patronize. ”
Love without flour
Passion and vivid emotions certainly add vitality and taste to life. But not always this taste is pleasant. The famous psychologist Erich Fromm in “The Art of Love” says that true love is possible only when a man or woman feels a complete self-confident person. Respect for a person, accepting him as he is, the presence in the life of every previous interest, old friends allows you not to break yourself or your partner, but to remain yourself. These relations are deep and sincere – a relationship where both made a conscious choice, not an accidental one, from despair. “Mature love,” writes Fromm, “is a unity, provided that integrity and individuality are preserved.”