Perhaps, the wedding for a woman is the most pleasant ritual. A couple in jeans and T-shirts, who came to the registry office by bus, is a rather rare phenomenon. More often there are long limousines, dresses with a train and magnificent feasts. All this requires considerable investments, but, as a rule, the newlyweds go to serious expenses, as it is implied that this is once in a lifetime. However, a stumbling block may be the change of the wife’s surname – a question related to money indirectly. Why women do not want to take the husband’s surname, and men are persistent in this matter, the correspondent of SE learned.
Go to a different world
Despite the huge amount of divorce, marriage for a woman is still a serious step. That is why the wedding is prepared with all responsibility and try to observe all the subtleties – local and foreign – from the posters “tili-tili-dough” and the caravan before riding in limousines and the crumbling of the newlyweds with rose petals. Unfortunate grooms are tormented on the landing, making songs and guessing riddles, imitating the traditional bride price, which accompanied the wedding of our ancestors. The change of the surname during marriage is the same as the crying “bitterly!” Or the bridal bouquet thrown to the girlfriends, but if the woman is responsible for the beauty of the flowers, then the man’s business is to take care of the children carrying his name.
“For a man this means a lot. Because if a woman agrees to marry him, she agrees to accept the name, because the surname is then transferred to the children. And it turns out that she is neither there nor there, “- says psychologist, director of the” Harmony “center Nikita Lozin. According to him, there are three milestones in a person’s life – birth, marriage and death, and all of them must be ritualistic.
As soon as a woman passes from one world to another, the old must be erased, and the new one must begin with a new leaf.
“According to the traditions of our country, it has always been that a woman passed into the family of her husband,” the psychologist continues. – This tradition goes back to the past, it means the following: when a girl becomes a woman, she marries, she leaves her family, refuses both her friends, her parents, and her family name. She is a member of her husband’s family and takes it as a reality, as a new life. “
At the NGS forum, SHE correspondent stumbled upon a serious discussion on this topic. “I think that a woman should take her husband’s surname, and it’s even funny to discuss it. There are certain signs of the family, a certain semantic load in changing the name, “says the user with the man’s nickname. “I perceive myself with exactly the same name and surname – and with a different surname – there will be another person, not me. If a man insisted on changing my name to his own – maybe even would not venture to enter into such a marriage: today he destroys me as a person with a certain name and surname, and what will happen tomorrow? “- the user reacts with the female nickname.
According to the All-Russian poll conducted by the sociologists of the Public Opinion Foundation, 49% of our citizens are in favor of the mandatory change of the name of a woman getting married, 27% believe that it is not necessary to do so. According to Tatyana Shumskaya, the head of the department of the Soviet Registry Office of the Soviet district, one can not speak about serious changes, since there are no special changes in the plan to refuse her husband’s surname compared to previous years, most still take her husband’s surname. Nevertheless, the remaining minority has conflicts on this issue. Most often, women refuse to take the husband’s surname under the pretext of red tape related to the change of documents, the ugly name of the husband or the unwillingness to re-imagine others (for example, if a woman contacts a large number of people at work).
“Some refuse because their surname is more attractive, sounds better,” agrees Nikita Lozin, “she carries some kind of image for a woman, if she has achieved some success.”
And as modern women are paying more attention to careers and the tendency of later marriage is growing, the probability of having this success increases. However, whatever the arguments put forward by a woman, according to psychologists, the rejection of her husband’s surname hinders the creation of a strong family. Of course, if we compare it with other things that damage the family, the “family” contribution is extremely small. But an unpleasant sludge, a hidden resentment can grow into a more serious conflict.
The exception is couples who are skeptical of rituals that are tuning for a new life, for them the awareness of family involvement can occur without white dresses, without black limousines, and without other traditions associated with the formation of a family. There are very few such people, but they are. However, if only one tradition is left behind the brackets, and the others are respected, there is some slyness in this.
Is there an exit?
The presence of conflict in itself, according to psychologists, suggests that someone is not ready for family life. “In this case, if the woman rests, then it is she,” comments Nikita Lyozin. “But a man can not make a woman want to fully accept a family, which means that his share of guilt is there.” In any conflict, both are to blame. If one side does not conflict, there will be no conflict. ”
In the event that a man is conscientious and not conservative, or his own name has brought him many unpleasant moments, he can not only allow the spouse to leave everything as is, but also to change his surname to his wife’s surname. According to experts, this is extremely rare and may be due to an attempt by a man to say goodbye to his past.
And yet, if neither the bridegroom nor the bride is willing to yield, there is a way out. “The best option for a woman who does not want to change her surname is a double surname,” considers Nikita Lezin. “This is more acceptable, because a woman leaves her right to her status and at the same time understands that she renounces her previous life in order to have a strong family.”