The main thing is to be – and the point. This motto seems to be guided by some ladies in choosing a partner. From the outside, such couples can look prosperous, and they may even be jealous of – for example, those who wait for the prince or live by the principle “I’m better off alone than being with anyone.”
Meanwhile, women who are used to being with someone can not always call themselves lucky: many of them for some reason can not escape from a man whose relationship with them has long ceased to bring fluttering of the soul.
What holds these women, the correspondent recognized SHE.
Portrait in the interior
Do you know a lot of women who like to complain about their choice? And those who periodically leave him, and then come back? If you answer these questions, you may even find something in common between them. The general really is.
The doctor-psychotherapist Maxim Zagoruiko notes that it is possible to single out the general psychological features of women who suffer an unwanted man, but they can not get away from him or not gather at all.
1. Women who have an inferiority complex. They think that they do not need anyone, they deserve a bad attitude, and the very fact that there is a man nearby is already happiness. The image appears absurdly tragic, but, of course, these processes usually pass the consciousness, and few women can claim that the inferiority complex is its main trouble. The roots of this behavior lie in childhood and are usually associated with the presence of an authoritarian father.
2. Women in victim position, tend to think that little depends on them in this life: everything happens because of fateful circumstances, and they themselves are little helpless girls who can not take responsibility for what happens in their lives. Often this inverted inferiority complex: disappointed in the ineffectiveness of self-flagellation, they suddenly decide that everything is to blame for everything, the world is cruel, and men are cowards.
3. Unable to differentiate their feelings– these are those who experience some kind of constant discomfort in the relationship, but can not realize what is the real reason. Such a woman does not understand what she needs, and is disoriented. According to Maxim Zagoruiko, there are a lot of such women at the reception, and this is due to the fact that in childhood and adolescence they did not learn to understand their feelings, to separate them, and instead of experiencing a single conglomeration of dissatisfaction, to understand in which place a critical error occurred.
4. Women who deny the existence of a problem. These are those who smile in public, and cry at night in a pillow, trying to get to sleep, though. These are women who are afraid to be alone with the objectionable truth and prefer to think that the problem itself will resolve, if it does not stir. If they finally recognize the existence of a gap in the relationship, then they turn into the category of “victims” – they switch all their energy to the search for the guilty.
Changing of the Guard
“A woman who can not decide to break unsatisfactory relationships, the strongest deep emotion is the fear of being alone, which covers even the threat emanating from her own family (for example, if the husband behaves aggressively). This is a type of woman who can build life normally only when she knows that she has a man behind her back, and no matter what, and until she has a real candidate for replacement – she will tolerate, “psychotherapist Igor Poperechny commented.
However, the new choice of such a woman is likely to be similar to the previous one, because already in the choice of a partner lies what experts call “a dysfunctional family dance”.
If the father played the leading role in the girl’s family and all the attention of the family was directed to his state of health, mood or condition (this is often the case in dependent families – the whole rhythm of the family’s life is subordinated to the arrival of the father), then she will subsequently select partners of the same type – , that he knows how to behave with them. On the one hand, it sounds trite, on the other – it’s paradoxical, but it’s impossible to underestimate the role of habitual behavior stereotypes – most of us tend to reduce the number of unfamiliar manipulations of all kinds to a minimum.
When the thunder hits
Of course, critical disagreements do not arise from scratch, and at the beginning of their married life, they are either satisfied with passion in tender impulses, or they close their eyes to certain things, or simply do not know about them. Point X, after which suddenly everything starts to crumble, is not calculated by a mathematical equation. One can only talk about one thing: an irresistible desire to part is arising in those families that face a situation unfamiliar before and not necessarily negative.
Most often, crises occur in families at the stage of transition to a new stage – for example, when the family passes from the simple couple stage to a new role – the parents at the time of the birth of the child or when the children, on the contrary, grew up and the couple again faced each other tete-a- but already changed. And if the spouses have not learned a competent interaction, they are increasingly being visited by thoughts of parting. True, no expert will recommend divorce as a universal remedy. And before you understand where your individual limit is, when patience no longer makes any sense, try to take three steps towards:
• Talking. As a rule, at the moment when the couple is on the border of parting, it’s silly to assume that the couple did not talk. Igor transverse warns against the main mistake of the conflicting parties and advises you to talk about what you consider your problem in the relationship, and ask the partner which problem is most important for him .
To conduct a conversation you need only from your face, and not translate into your favorite formulation “You were wrong.” “In a relationship, everyone should change their fifty percent,” says Igor Poperechny.
• Live separately . This is certainly not a panacea, but living outside the hearth of family conflict will help to soberly assess what is happening. However, as noted by psychotherapists, this option is suitable only for free people. Unfortunately, there are very few equal marriages today, and so it is not an option for many, especially if the woman depends on her husband financially.
• Recognize co-dependency. Any dysfunctional family rests on the efforts of the two sides. So, if a woman desperately tries to save a marriage, then usually by her sacrifice she achieves a state of things that would suit her. In other words, it is paradoxical, but the fact: the more persevering a woman seeks to preserve a marriage, the greater the role she plays in the destructive behavior of her husband. “Often, especially in young families, spouses are interested in getting more, not giving. It often happens that one of the spouses seeks to control the other.
Many women have an implicit conviction that the husband does not understand what he really needs, she does not perceive him as a free person, but as an extension and a part of herself, and the deviation of his behavior from the usual – as a delusion,
– says Maxim Zagoruiko. Igor transverse supplements that women can start manipulating sex, depriving the husband of bed pleasures, but this method will not bring any results, except, perhaps, that the husband will leave you first – the initiators of divorce in such families are usually men.
If your actions for the preservation of marriage in fact have a basis for manipulation – no attempt to save it will not be effective. Perhaps it makes sense to admit to yourself this before it becomes too late?