27.10.2020

Allow me to take my leave

Delaying parting with a partner, a woman gives him hope and risks his health

About how to properly find a partner, so that later it was not painfully painful, women learn much more willingly than about how to go correctly, if the awareness of aimlessly lived years still came. Despite the fact that the ladies in the matter of parting are more merciful than the gentlemen, and they rarely report the decision to leave by SMS or a note on the kitchen table, this process usually starts out on its own.As a result, full of determination, a woman dumbfounded by the hysterics and threats of the once silent partner, simply does not know what to do: to conceive or unpack the suitcase and stay with the unloved but deeply unhappy man. SHE correspondents learned about how to properly leave. 

Together closely
Previously, due to women’s attachment to the family hearth, even long gone out, and the economic dependence on her husband, women abandoning their spouse met infrequently and were seriously condemned by society. “More often the initiator of the break was a man. This was due to the fear of a woman before the society in its various manifestations: the fear of condemning “divorce,” “a good wife will not leave a good wife”, fear of lack of money, loneliness. Now the situation has changed, women are no longer ready to tolerate unacceptable living conditions for themselves and are more willing to take risks and look for a worthy partner than to leave everything as is, “says psychologist Alena Sagadeyeva, founder of the Institute of Counseling. According to her, changes have occurred with men – they are increasingly beginning to appreciate the comfort and the opportunity to relax, which give them permanent partners, and more and more often choose a short stay at home with communication relating to household issues. In this situation, in the event of conflict, it is easier for a man to evade an open questioning of relations. Women are ready to clarify, but the decision to leave is often given to them with great difficulty.

Thoughts about a man-loser who “completely disappeared” or about children who have to “grow up without a father” are often stopped from a desperate step, even if it’s time to do it long ago. 

“Some people do not part, even if all the signs are there. The main sign of problems in relations is the loss of interest to each other, frequent conflicts related to this, – says the director of the Harmony center Nikita Lozin. “In principle, conflicts help a person to understand something, to get rid of something, unless it is a constant quibbling about what a person is annoying – it is a sign that it’s time to part.” 

“If you want to be together less than to be alone, this is a serious reason for parting,” adds Alain Sagadeeva. 

If to be yourself in the presence of a partner does not work or is unsafe, this is also a significant sign. If the relationship is more costly than resourceful, it is necessary to part with accuracy. If it is impossible to answer exactly the question “why do I need this”, it is worthwhile to think whether relations are held in fear “.

Dear compassion
It is much more pleasant to give gifts than to receive them. The same story with parting. Sometimes it’s easier to survive your sudden loneliness than to leave yourself. “A woman takes a more responsible attitude toward the family, even if she wants to leave. Even if there are no children in the family, the woman has a maternal origin, and it often happens that a woman takes patronage over a man, in this case separation for her becomes painful, “- says Nikita Lozin. In addition, many women know what it’s like to be abandoned, lost and unprepared for a new life. Hence the feeling of guilt, which is sometimes used by men. “The one who leaves, takes responsibility for what is happening. The one from whom they leave, is in the role of a victim, unhappy and all pity-supported. Therefore, many are inclined to wait, when the partner will not stand,

According to her, a sense of guilt is the best way to do nothing. If you feel an acute sense of guilt, you should ask yourself – under what conditions you can forgive yourself: “The answer will show the degree of adequacy. If the answer is “there is no forgiveness for me!”, Then this is a topic for the therapist. If the conditions are quite acceptable, they should be fulfilled and see what has changed. ” The same strategy should be used if you are in doubt about the correctness of the decision. Ask yourself what will happen if you stay, and what if you leave. If the answers are honest and accurate, soon there will be clarity and certainty. 

Delay in making a final decision can also affect a woman’s physical health:

“If a woman makes a decision about the need for parting and at the same time does not go away in connection with some responsibility, then she can start to get sick, that is, in a situation where there is no need to make a decision,” notes Nikita Lyozin. 

Well, what can I say?
Of course, the question “how to report?” Appears after the decision is made. In our time, the person who brought the bad news is not being killed. But squeeze out a few words that will make you suffer, in fact, innocent (who is to blame for feeling cold?) Of the person with whom much is connected, is still difficult. Especially if he, for fear or naivety, does not suspect about the coming changes. “For someone it is easier to leave gradually, with a trial separate living and constant discussion of what is happening,” says Alain Sagadeeva, “and for someone, a sharp break with the termination of communication in general until the moment of restoring both desire and the possibility of a calm and, most importantly, constructive interaction “.

As for the conversation itself, very rarely people can be adequate in the conflict, keeping calm and choosing the right words. Psychologists recommend not to touch upon past grievances, but to discuss specific things concerning the future. In the event that the partner has hope, it is important to show that your decision is final and can not be discussed. 

“A partner can behave in the most unpleasant way. The calmer the reaction, the sooner it will end, – says Alain Sagadeeva. –

In this case, it is more merciful not to respond to manipulation, but to calmly maintain one’s behavior, thus helping a partner to survive. More often people behave like the owner of a dog who loved her very much and therefore cut off her tail gradually, in pieces. “

Not everyone is able to maintain friendly relations after parting, so do not strive for it at any cost. “If people have exhausted relations, but have not exhausted common interests, they both understand that it’s better to leave, and only then to continue communication,” Nikita Lozin points out. “But there are not many such unions – only 15% of couples keep normal relations after parting.” 

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