Judgments about finicky modern women and the infantilism of modern men have already become commonplace. And the more prominent the first, the harder the second respond.
Sometimes young girls do not want to wait for the spiritual, physical and financial maturity of their companions and look their eyes at men much older than they. However, a suspicious society often does not believe in the sincerity of relations in unequal marriages, scornfully calling husbands papits. What makes women choose a man who suits her fathers, and what are such relationships?
In fact, if you look at history, marriages with a large age difference were common. Perhaps, because of the fact that the desire of the young bride simply was not interested? According to the ancient Greek philosopher Aristotle, a husband must be older than his wife for seventeen years – no more, no less.
In ancient Rome, age did not play any role, marriages between elderly widowers and formalized teenage girls were perceived calmly. The difference in age 26, described in the Old Testament of Isaac and Rivka, had no effect.
Evolutionary psychologists pragmatically state that the reason for such alliances is extremely simple.
A young girl is interesting as a female capable of conceiving, and a carrier of genes for healthy offspring, and an adult man has more opportunities (not only material ones) to protect the family and take care of it.
Psychologists who trust Freud more than Darwin, speak of deeper reasons. The lack of a father or lack of his attention in childhood can lead to marriage with a man who can compensate for lost time.
“In any case, the choice of a spouse who is much older than himself often means an unfinished relationship with his father,” says Alena Sagadeeva, a psychotherapist at the Single Register of Professional Psychotherapists in Europe. – And this phenomenon is much more widespread than it is customary to think. It’s not good or bad, you just need to know exactly what you want, and whether the optimal way to achieve the goal is chosen. ”
There is an opinion that female daughters choose a male father because of their infantility and lack of autonomy. However, firstly, the feminist moods have calmed down a bit, and women no longer want to be a dray horse – it is much more pleasant to be a gentle flower, which is regularly taken care of. And secondly, the biological age does not always coincide with the psychological age: in 20 years you can have life experience and inner peace for all 40.
And if you just want a family nest with two fluffy chicks, and peers are still hanging out in a disco, then maybe be married with a man for 30 or 40 – is this a way out?
“Choosing a spouse with a big age difference,” answers Alena Sagadeeva, “can mean both infantilism and fear of adulthood, and the desire for reliability and stability that are key factors in the birth of children.”
Getting married or just tying new relationships, we expect to win in some area. It’s a shame when desires are not justified, it’s nice when you get a win without even counting on it. What can we expect from a marriage with a man-father?
Children. As a rule, marriages, where a man is much older, are created not only for love and spiritual intimacy, children are an integral part of such a family. Many experts say that the age of conscious paternity comes closer to 40 years. A young man who became a dad at the age of 20 does not always enjoy his new status – he is more concerned with how to provide food and life for his offspring. An adult man who has materially held, does not perceive the child as a heavy burden, is not afraid of responsibility and gladly assumes the role of the pope. In this case, not only the child wins, but also a woman who does not have to take on all the worries about the baby.
Sex. Often the “first time” happens to partners who are older and more experienced. In this there is nothing surprising – experience causes trust. With age in the male body, certain changes occur, as a result of which the excitation is slower. You can not be afraid that the action will end before the time, and indulge in love games.
Do you remember the anecdote about the old and young bulls that stand on the mountain and covetously look at a herd of cows grazing below? So, mature “slow-slow” in matters of sex is much more appropriate than a youthful “quick-quick”.
As for the ability to procreate, communication with a young girl is a kind of dope for a mature man, he returns to the past when he was fresh, young and sexy. The enamored look of a young wife makes the eagle shabby to spread feathers and enjoy life. In conditions of harmony and understanding, on the assurances of experts, men for a long time retain sexual activity: a young wife makes a man to keep himself in tone. “Imagine,” says psychologist Vit Tsenev, “a man is 40-45 years old, children have grown up, and he has only one thing ahead: a pension, grandchildren and old age. And a young wife is like starting a life from the age of twenty. This mentally distances the feeling of the approaching old age by 15-20. ”
The social side of the relationship. Be ready to misunderstand and even condemn the society, whether it be friends or close relatives. “In our culture, it is considered that a happy family is one in which one wants to calmly meet old age,” explains psychologist Alain Sagadeyev, the reason for the misunderstanding. “Given a significant age difference, this becomes problematic.” It is worth noting that over the years the difference in age is smoothed out: if 12 years of difference in 18 and 30 years causes concern and alertness, then the same 12 years in 33 and 45 are perceived calmer.
Proceeding from this, sociologists deduced a magic formula by which one can predict the reaction of others around your marriage. The formula is simple: divide the age of the senior partner into two, and then add to the result.
For example, your partner is 42 years old. 42 divide by 2 and add 7, it turns out 28. If you are 28 or more, your relationship should not cause emotions in the surrounding storms. If less – be prepared for surprised looks and whispers.
However, overcoming stereotypes and prejudices, a woman wins in the social plan. Unlike the “young” marriage, where both spouses are studying or just starting to work, a woman in unequal marriage gets certain advantages. Most often, she does not need to sacrifice her studies to earn a piece of bread. Therefore, she can finish her studies in favorable conditions or, without grabbing for the first job she has found, slowly choose the sphere of activity in which she wants to realize herself.
Communication. Of course, a big age difference implies some disconnection. But similar education, formed life values can unite much more than interest in jazz or “DOM-2.” However, even if you read each other’s thoughts or if your man has forgotten his past and started life with you from scratch, one thing should be kept in mind. A clean sheet will be in this case you, and what to write, how and when the man will decide. It is he who has a higher status in the family and it is he who makes decisions. “But it will be so until then,” warned Alena Sagadeeva, “while the younger of the spouses will not rise to their feet.”
The elder by this time usually gradually moves away from social activity. And there is a so-called relationship inversion. The younger spouse starts to treat the elder as at the beginning of their joint way the senior was related to the younger. ”
But it will be later, but for now the principle “who is older – that and right” will work. It extends to all aspects of your life – from breakfast to child-rearing.
You can treat unequal marriages differently. This was demonstrated by a survey conducted by the SHE portal. 15.5% of our readers believe that marriage with a man older than 10 years or more is more often a material calculation, 3.5% are sure that this is the right way to divorce, 2.2% are suspicious of such unions, trusting more peers. However, 27.2% of respondents believe that such marriage is the embodiment of harmony, and the overwhelming majority, 51.4%, believes that age is not the main thing, the presence of love is important. Of course, love is a key factor, as well as an accurate understanding and discussion of their expectations from marriage. If wishes are voiced, agreements are reached and you enjoy life, then neither the statement about demons in the ribs nor the bewilderment of girlfriends will spoil your mood.