July 23, 2024

We tried colonics, martini baths and sex bark in the pursuit of better wellness

How do you like your eggs in the morning? Poached, scrambled, fried? Not if you’re wellness warrior, Gwyneth Paltrow, who has previously recommended popping them in your vagina. Apologies if you are, in fact, reading this over your morning eggs.

This quirky little wellness recommendation is by no means Gwyneth’s sole piece of advice. She’s also lauded the benefits of crystal healing, colonic irrigation, goat’s milk cleanses, ‘sex bark’ to make you horny and submerging yourself in a lake to wash away your worries.

We don’t shy away from a challenge here at GLAMOUR HQ so to celebrate Gwyneth Paltrow’s starring role as our debut digital cover star, we decided to try Gwyneth’s beloved health and wellness tips out. Here’s how we got on…

How the wellness industry went from hippy to hip

I tried the sex bark that promises to make you horny

Gwyneth sure doesn’t shy away from embracing female sexuality and while there’s no shame for men when it comes to popping a viagra, what about us ladies? Sex guru Gwyneth is here to help, of course.

On Goop, she shared a recipe for ‘sex bark’ – a virtuous chocolate bar that’s meant to get you in the mood.

Made with Moon Juice’s Sex Dust, an aphrodisiac warming potion, Goop hails this chocolate recipe as ‘perfect for a sweet bite after a romantic dinner. ’

Gwyneth The Great: GLAMOUR’s first-ever digital cover star on female sexuality, second-time marriage and being a wellness warrior

OK, let me set the scene. It’s Tuesday night and my dinner (pasta with a side of sweet-smelling garlic bread) on the sofa is far from romantic. Plus, who wants a ‘sweet bite’ on a Tuesday night? Not my boyfriend, that’s for sure. It’s hard enough convincing him at the weekend, let alone bloated after too much pasta on arguably the most depressing day of the week. Wish me luck…

The recipe advises combining coconut oil and ghee in a glass bowl set over a simmering pot of water before whisking in cacao (a healthier version of chocolate for those of you who thought I’d switched into Spanish), Ho shou wu powders, and the sweetener of your choice. After sprinkling with cacao nibs (yes, nibbly little versions of the aforementioned healthy chocolate), and freezing for about 20 minutes, you simply break it with a knife and tuck in.

Ho shou wu is a herb tonic that’s been used for centuries to enhance youthfulness, reproductive function, and sex drive. Allegedly.

I can confirm Gwynnie’s ‘bark’ tastes absolutely delicious but did it get me in the mood?

Luckily for my long-suffering boyfriend, absolutely not.

I am sure he’d thank you if he could, Gwyneth.

I tried a colonic irrigation

Have you ever thought about having colonic irrigation but wimped out? Think it’s too embarrassing, invasive and, quite frankly a bit, eww? I get it. They’re aren’t many people who jump with joy at the the idea of having their colon filled up like a water balloon but there are serious health benefits.

Gwyneth swears by them and gut health is BIG news at the moment. Cleansing your bowels is considered to be a brilliant way to tackle digestive problems and help you feel less sluggish. Good gut health is also linked to glowing skin so, in aid of research, I decided to give it a go and here is exactly what happened.

I started by lying on a bed. Yes, I saw the big machine with a tube coming out of it and it was a little #distracting but I kept my thoughts firmly on the benefits I’d read about. Next, I was asked to move into a fetal position onto my left side, with my legs up by my boobs – a position that should be reserved for inside your mother’s womb. I was then asked to breath heavily, because as the lady explained, as you breathe out, your anus contracts and a small tube is inserted inside. Eeek. On my next breath, the tube was pulled in a little further so it was in the correct position. I was then asked to lie on my back with my knees up by my chest, before water was slowly pumped inside my colon. It’s an odd sensation, but not uncomfortable – until, that is, the nurse clamps down on the tube and your bowel starts to feel like it might just explode. But the grip is swiftly released, letting gravity do its thing. This is done multiple times for around half an hour and each time gets easier to endure.

During the procedure, the nurse asked me to massage my stomach in a clockwise motion (this is the way your colon pushes out waste), which helped release any blockages. Once the irrigation was finished, the nurse removed the tube and allowed me to go to the bathroom in case I needed to release some of the water (which I most definitely did, gross).
Don’t expect to see instant results because you won’t magically feel lighter. In fact, at least six to eight colonics are recommended for you to really feel and see the benefits.

So, now you know…

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I tried the martini bath salts Gwyneth loves to bathe in

I’m not typically a bath kinda girl, and when I do have my annual splash in the tub, I tend to make it a quick one. But trying out bath salts formulated by Goop had me thinking, if it’s good enough for Gwyneth Paltrow’s daily bathe, then maybe I should give it a fair shot.

And if I was going to give it a fair shot, I was going all out. I had candles, Spotify’s finest ‘Mood Booster’ playlist and even a mini pool float to hold myself a drink. Gwyneth, who?

The Martini Bath Salts, infused with Himalayan pink salt and chia seed oil, are supposed to be an ‘emotional detox’ and Gwyneth relies on it as a wind-down daily.

The instructions do state that you should ‘soak for 20 minutes’ – difficult for someone who likes to wash and go – but alas, I sat there and it turned out to be surprisingly relaxing. The packaging also suggests that you ‘meditate or chant’ but I decided to give that one a miss for the sake of accidentally scaring the people I live with.

However, the fresh, fruity smell of the salts out-scented the candles in the room, and knowing the natural ingredients I was lying in did make me feel detoxed. At the time I wasn’t feeling majorly religious, but getting into bed afterwards was divine and I fell into an amazing sleep within minutes (a rare occasion), which I put solely down to the magical pink dust.

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