Addiction is a horrible, horrible thing. I’ve never ever had any dependencies prior to, such as cigarettes, drugs, or alcohol, but I found out how bad they are when I got addicted to my ex-boyfriend who was hazardous for me.
We started seeing each various other delicately and also rapidly we became addicted and also codependent on each various other. I was doing every little thing for him. I was accommodating his demands as well as demands which weren’t little. As well as nothing I did was ever enough for him.
I didn’t realize exactly how much I’ve let him control me. If I am absolutely nothing without him, he made me really feel as. I falsely believed that I needed him like I require air to breathe and also despite the fact that he was asphyxiating me, I could not live without him.
The most embarrassing as well as scary point that I’ve ever had to admit to myself was that I was in love with a man who abused me as well as treated me like crap.
Prior to we even got into a “committed” partnership, there was an inkling sensation within me that something’s not right. Every fiber of my being was informing me to run and save myself, however I selected to disregard my instincts.
The Addiction Behind Push & & Pull Relationships
I’ve come to be an addict. I was addicted to my ‘torturer’. I was addicted to the pain he was giving me everyday. I was addicted to the harmful cycles of separating and also coming back with each other. I remained in a hellish rollercoaster where the highs were delighted, and also the lows were heart squashing.
Psychologically talking, this harmful cycle is one of the most difficult ones to break mainly since every single time your ‘tormentor’ draws you back in, the reward component of your mind is triggered. This leaves you hopeless as well as miserable to claw your way back into their arms each time they push you away.
Discovering To Say ‘NO’ When You Want To Say ‘YES‘
Addiction is indisputably among the most awful feelings. You realize that you are killing yourself by remaining with him, and yet, you can not say ‘no’ as well as close the door on him for life.
Why? Because unconsciously, you still believe you can not locate any individual like him which he is your real love.
The same point took place to me. Whenever I decided to leave him, there he was– acting like I was all to him as well as saying he will transform for me. It never ever took place. His behavior was getting worse and also even worse.
Burning Down The Bridges
I restrained myself from seeing him. I changed my number. I also transformed my address for some time up until I had the ability to claim ‘no’ to him on my very own.
He told everybody that I was the one that was insane. As time passed by, individuals saw that he was the insane one after seeing every lady leaving him since of his manipulative and also disloyalty nature.
And I am happy for refuting all the bridges in between us and ultimately breaking down the vicious cycle we remained in. Naturally, my heart is still hurting, however I am gradually healing.
Since I understand I’ve made the best choice, as well as I am at tranquility. I was brave sufficient to choose myself and also allow him go.
Currently I Know Better
Before my experience with a toxic connection, I couldn’t recognize those that were claiming they can’t leave their abusive companion. That was because I have not had the ability to comprehend the ‘magic’ and the appeal of a poisonous connection until I entered into one. This shit is really like a drug.
But now, I understand far better. I know just how qualified my heart is of offering and receiving true love and also dedication. And also I recognize that I do not deserve to have a poisonous companion in my life. Not any longer.