My little world
The situation, similar to that described in the folk tale, by the majority is perceived unambiguously negatively, is regarded as an invasion of personal space. In addition, deprives us of one of the most important elements of life – the ability to have a territory, to walk on which we have the right only ourselves and no one else. “Everyone should have moments about which others do not know, maybe even secrets. But with one condition: these are secrets that do not touch the second half. Work, friends, hobbies, but not topics that affect the relationship of the couple “, – commented Tatiana Skritskaya, a psychologist at the perinatal center. She also recalls that in families where the spouses completely “dissolve” in each other, what is called the boredom of the relationship comes much faster.
“The feeling of personal space is absolutely necessary for the formation of one’s own identity, which a person builds all his life. It happens through creativity, communication with friends, in all those situations where a person does not fulfill certain roles – the spouse, the parent, the subordinate, “says Marina Markutun, a psychotherapist, director of the medical center” Markatun “, thereby confirming: our secrets – this is not a whim, but an urgent necessity.
In the modern world, the personal space of a person narrows sharply. Forming your “I”, or, as psychologists say, your own identity, is becoming more complicated. That is why many begin to parasitize at the expense of the personal space of relatives, especially spouses and children.
“If a mature person has an unfinished identity, he will unconsciously try to fill the void with the space of another person,” continues Marina Markutun. This is especially characteristic of women – because of their psychobiological characteristics: they are oriented toward building a “nest”, that is, a closed space.
Men initially have more space, they are, in fact, outward oriented, to conquer the world. Therefore, the tendency to crouch in other people’s things, justifying their “curiosity”, is peculiar first of all to the ladies.
The desire to control, which is expressed in the questions “Who did you call?” And “Where did you go?”, Flows from the parent family. So, for example, if the parent replaced the child’s space with his own (“You behaved badly and your mother got a headache”), a stereotype is formed: “Everything that happens to me depends on you, and therefore you should behave yourself well.” As a result, the girl, becoming a wife, begins to control her husband to feel comfortable, she does not know about the existence of free relationships, and psychologists consider this a big problem.
The Council in such a situation is this: from the very beginning it is necessary to clearly state the division of the spheres of access. So, if computers are really personal, and working conversations are done behind closed doors, then this should be respected. If you are worried about what the husband is talking about on the phone in his room, this is a matter of trust, and he decides only by talking, but by no means secretly overhearing with far-fetched conclusions.
“If the partner does not receive support and attention, to which he is accustomed, he is inclined to think that there is an external reason, some secret of the partner, because of which the changes began, – says Marina Markutun. “In such a situation, there may be any person when he feels vulnerable, then he begins to suspect a partner of treason.” He (or she) begins to look for “evidence” and in the end finds: after all almost any “evidence” can come under this definition.
Psychologists recommend: do not make hasty conclusions, but make the right conversation. “At the same time, you need to refer not to the fact of the find, but to those changes that disturbed you, that is, to formulate what exactly in the partner’s behavior you ceased to arrange,” Tatyana Skritskaya said. After all, to formalize feelings in words is more difficult than to throw a tantrum over the discovered female hair on the seat of the car.
And finally a useful idea for those who still play in Sherlock Holmes: psychologists believe that distrust in the relationship arises when a partner feels pressure, begins to try to win back his space. And the control of one is stronger, the more sophisticated is the “escape” of the second. That’s why there are situations where a woman, believing that she controls all the processes in the family, turns out to be the last one who finds out about the true state of things. For example, that the husband meets with another, and the child skips lessons.
In other words, it is those women who want to control each step of their men, often overlook the main thing. Maybe it’s time to stop looking for trivialities and fishing for small secrets?