Define the concepts
Over the last millennium, little has changed: men still appreciate the external appeal, and women – the status and financial situation. In both cases, ancient instincts play: attractiveness indicates that the offspring will be healthy, and a tight purse – that it will survive.
“Contingency is an adult healthy woman who is financially supported by a man who does not belong to her in kinship ties (not a husband, not a father),” the psychotherapist Maxim Zagoruyko defines. “At the same time, she does not do any work for him for this, and does not have any other significant sources of income.” The housewives are often called housekeepers, who are also on the maintenance of a man (in this case a legitimate spouse), but while the husband does his job, they make their own – they are actively engaged in housekeeping and raise children.
looking for a sponsor
For a long time the attitude towards the keepers has changed. In Soviet times, the woman was a comrade, and all the comrades had to work, so this behavior was not approved. “The largest number of content in Russia appeared in the late 90’s,” says Maxim Zagoruiko. – This is due to the fact that the time was hungry and gangster, many women were hard to provide for themselves.
In addition, there were wealthy men who wanted to show their steepness and start a harem. Civilized to spend money then they have not yet learned and spent it on “rags, cars, cars, grub and drink.”
At present, the attitude towards the keepers is complex. On the one hand, rejection and disregard – the growth of well-being and activity of feminists have done their job, and everyone can find a place under the sun, and if there is intelligence and wit, this will be a place of increased comfort. On the other hand, there is jealousy on the part of women (usually covered up by reasoning about morality): smart fur coats-jewelry, donated for beautiful eyes, go against the idea of equality and brotherhood. “Of course, there is envy,” acknowledges the psychologist at the NGO psychology center, Rimma Efimkin, “there is money that does not need to be earned by excessive labor, and there is free time. This is what we all strive for – that we have free time and money. But those women who love their work, the keepers do not exactly envy. “
Who are you?
In addition to women victims who complain about their dependent position to their girlfriends, but they do not realize much of their contribution to the current situation, among the detainees there are “conscientious” – according to Maxim Zagoruiko, they perfectly understand what they are doing, so they do not want to change anything. However, their position is ashamed and try not to advertise. “Unscrupulous”, on the contrary, are often proud that they are so well settled: “According to the values of glamor, it is very important to be attractive and seductive,” the therapist continues. “And if a woman managed to unleash a man to keep it, this is seen as clear evidence of her seductiveness and female power.”
There are also “chronic” keepers – they are not able to love, do not trust people and, fearing to be used, try to use men themselves through charisma and sexuality. Or the second option is when a woman feels weak and helpless and seeks support from a strong man who will protect and provide it. “If such a woman finds support, she often uses it ineptly – easily despairs, falls into depression. Naturally, strong men want to protect and provide it, “explains Maxim Zagoruiko.
The Maid in the Greenhouse
Specialists admit that women-keepers are frequent guests in the psychologist’s office. They do not come from a good life. Most often, they are under the constant supervision of their sponsor, regularly report on their actions and expenses, feeling both resentment and fear that it will stop. It is fear that pushes them to choose the path of least resistance, but it does not allow them to leave the vicious circle. “In some people, the process of growing up is delayed. And the reason for this – the fear of being untenable, the fear of oneself, – says Rimma Efimkina. – Most women still want to combine motherhood, career, and relationships. It speaks of maturity, of adulthood.
And the unconscious desire to prolong childhood leads to such forms: the woman is a frightened child in an adult body. “
To frighten a child can only parents – parents in this case, as a rule, are so caring that they do not allow to make extra efforts for the child. At the exit, we get a dependent and shy woman who is looking for a new greenhouse, where she will be full and warm.
What for she to men?
The benefit of a woman is clear – she gets custody with financial reinforcement. But what do men get from such unions? If you exclude those who have not learned to spend money civilized, the remaining sponsors are not at all like the joke characters about crimson jackets. They differ from each other, but, according to Rimma Yefimkina, they all have one psychological flaw – a low self-esteem: “If a man has a high self-esteem – he is calm and confident that he will always have a partner – not one, but the other.
Relations with the keepers are chosen by a man who would like to protect himself from competition. If there is a free and independent woman next to him, she will have to constantly fight for her so that she voluntarily was nearby.
Contingency is involuntary, and therefore it is easier to manage. ” Such relationships are mutually beneficial: a woman receives money and a sense of security, and a man – a confirmation of his status and a sense of power. “Not only keep women use men, but men also use the same in content. This is a transaction, sometimes unconscious, and each party in this transaction receives its dividends, “says Maxim Zagoruiko.
It is always difficult to refuse a bargain. That is why, without external serious changes, the woman will not change her life on her own. “While the cock does not bite, the woman will not move,” Rimma Yefimkin shares her observations. – Usually, such women either find another man, or become successful business woman. In the stories of many successful women, there are times when they lived on the maintenance of a man. ”