If every man, as a disk with a computer game, was accompanied by a list of “minimum system requirements”, it would be easier and more fun to live. We met, got acquainted and immediately everything is clear – come up to each other or not.
Psychologists then run the risk of being out of work – there will be no more deception, manipulation, disappointment and unfulfilled expectations. In the meantime, it remains to peer, peer at the men, trying to understand with whom you can be happy – with your full copy or, conversely, the opposite.
The correspondent of SHE considered several scenarios of the relationship and found out why opposites are attracted and how dangerous a relationship with a man so similar to you.
The first scenario of relations formed the basis of many films – artistic and animated. And it’s not only and not so much in the external data as in the different vectors of the movement. Such a pair resembles a battery – if, on the one hand, plus, then on the other, you can rest assured there will be a minus. If she goes ahead, makes a fast career and dreams of escaping for a couple of weeks to the sea, he semenizes behind, is lazy to look for a new job and the Turkish side prefers the evening at the TV.
Or he is the leader, the soul of the company, capable of leading a crowd of pretty jokers, but next to him is a closed-minded quiet who prefers dancing books, and guests silence.
Surrounding such an unequal tandem, as a rule, surprises. In response to puzzled looks and impolite questions, usually comes a banal phrase, uttered with a very mysterious look: “Opposites attract”. People pull this cliche upon themselves like a blanket, trying to show others that they really know exactly how this world works.
“With the help of this common stereotype, one can maintain the image of himself as a person who likes diversity, which welcomes everything new and interesting, in a modern society such image is valued,”
says the psychotherapist Maxim Zagoruiko. “Or to strengthen the illusory hope that if I find myself a partner who will be opposite to me, then he will give me what I lack so much, and I will find happiness without effort.”
Pros:Such couples have a unique opportunity to learn from each other. The weak learns to be stronger, the truthful becomes more delicate, the workaholic allows himself to rest. “If people who are originally opposites have the ability, desire and interest to learn from their partner what they did not know before, this is a good sign,” said psychologist Alain Sagadeeva. True, it is important that this desire was for both partners – because if only one changes, the design will remain vulnerable and, most likely, soon fall apart.
Minuses:Such relations, despite the apparent diversity, are being built quite hard. A stronger partner (or partner) with a pronounced quality can be impatient, realizing that his weaker half does not have this quality. “Half” is also hard – feeling that she is waiting for feats, which she is not capable of, she tirelessly turns the pockets of her soul to at least offer something in return.
The attraction of opposites in the absence of unifying factors, according to experts, will not last long. “A different person can attract attention with their novelty and unusualness, but such relationships are usually short-lived,” Maxim Zagoruiko believes. – Either they can last long enough if the partners are at a distance (do not live together, sometimes meet in order to spice up their lives with a small amount of exotics and novelty) – it’s good to sometimes try exotic food, but it’s hardly possible to eat it every day will want. ”
Tamara and I go in pairs
It is quite logical to look for a person with whom you want to live your whole life, among like-minded people. Together to feed the protein, late to watch old favorite movies, sleep up to 12, and then together to conjure over breakfast. Or send everything to hell and rush off into the snowy distance – skiing and breathing in the freezing air.
“People are inclined to think and say that they are looking for a different partner, in fact, stopping their choice on a similar person,” says Maxim Zagoruiko. – In close and stable relations, partners, as a rule, are quite similar. And over time they become even more similar. ”
Pros:In such unions, wives do not complain about inattention from husbands, and husbands do not try to find “one that understands” – it already exists. Here, in addition to a common space (common friends, common ideas about the family, career, etc.), which is necessary for a harmonious life, there is a pleasant predictability. “It’s easier to live with a predictable person. The excitement and uncertainty of the future and without additional unpredictability of the partner is enough. Who needs it – live like a powder keg and do not know when it’s going to break? “Exclaims psychologist Arina Podchasova.
Minuses:According to Alena Sagadeeva, in such pairs the problem of personal space may arise: “One of two suddenly discovers that he is not free, their common space does not absorb him completely – there is something else. And it’s not necessarily men who want to drink beer with friends, they are increasingly women who want to sing, dance, etc. ”
In any case, it’s better to stay away from extremes, closer to the middle. It’s wonderful if there is a coincidence and a differentness in the relationship.
According to Maxim Zagoruiko, coincidence is important to find in the following areas:
• Values - for example, both partners value self-realization, and the amount of earned money for both is of less importance.
• Interests and hobbies – for example, both love to cook or ski.
• Representations about family functions and responsibilities – for example, both believe that the main task of the family is to raise children, while both agree that the mother is responsible for the children, and the father for organizing the joint leisure of children and parents and for “labor” education .
• Physiology – for example, both husband and wife – “larks”, or spouses have about the same sexual appetites.
If we add to this openness, willingness to compromise and a desire to communicate on both sides, we will get a formula for an almost ideal relationship. As for the dissimilarity, it should not be at the level of “I love to sing, but he to sleep.” “The complementarity is important as a key to the castle, for example: the leader husband, and the wife is ready to obey him,” Maxim Zagoruiko explains.
Stability in relations requires continuous exchange between partners in one coordinate system, both of which should be equally satisfied with what is happening.