Why people who can’t be bothered to put a piece of fabric over their goddamn nose

Now this, to me, is very simple and salient advice. You should probably be living by this mantra already, but on the remote chance you think a global pandemic means you can get a free pass on empathy, think again – especially after Boris’ stark warning today.

The tenets of not being a d*ck are easy. Rule number one means having some compassion and consideration for others. Now, if you are the kind of person who thinks it is appropriate to play your music WITHOUT HEADPHONES out loud on the bus and/or tube; you are perhaps a lost cause, since you clearly think this is your world and we are just living in it/suffering in silence as our mind numbing rage is soundtracked by your terrible taste in music.

Would you like to return to normal life? Would you like to not worry about you or your loved ones being knocked off by a devastating virus?

If that sounds like you, I have this message:

Don’t be a d*ck.

Much like assuming you can be the de facto DJ of the Northern Line, not wearing a face mask on there is a d*ck move. It is, in fact, perhaps the d*ckiest flex of 2020. What exactly are you trying to prove here? That your libertarian spirit cannot be quashed by something as irritating as common courtesy for others? Or that you have some Marvel-superhero-levels of immunity and you would like to brag about it?

Either way, all you are proving is that you are being a d*ck.

Because if I was on the lookout for someone being a d*ck, I would find you immediately. You would either be naked-of-face or (potentially worse) either wearing your mask under your nose (useless) or strung around your neck (cynical); both of which are nonsensical, and cripplingly selfish.

Or perhaps you are someone who thinks social distancing is a joke. Maybe you think getting up close and personal with a stranger in the checkout queue at Aldi is cute and not unnerving and dangerous. Let’s be clear; invading someone’s personal space in 2019 was not a cute move. Doing so in 2020 is an invitation for me to spray my anti-bac in your eyes. Would you like that? No? BACK OFF THEN.

There is, of course, the off-chance that you have thrown a big fat party in 2020, a party with more than 30 people; maybe a full-on rave. Did you think this was cool and edgy? If so, I regret to inform you that it was about as cool and edgy as making a hot tub out of nuclear waste. Dangerous and pointless.

If you decided to go away on holiday- wahoo! Good for you! Think quarantining-when-you-get back is for suckers? Oh dear, you were so close to not being a d*ck…

You may be nodding along to all of this but then saying- but what about the government? You would be right, for d*ckishness is not confined to us mere mortals, but is alive and kicking in our overlords in Westminster too.

Taking a happy meal of Corona to Barnard Castle like Dominic Cummings? Ranks very highly on the d*ckometer. Trashing a whole generation’s chances for further education and social mobility a la Gavin Williamson? Ding ding ding, we have a d*ck. Blaming rising R numbers and the collapse of testing facilities on the fact that we followed governmental advice and both ate out and got tested, as Matt Hancock has? Survey says; d*ck.

Yes, it has all become coronafarcical. Yes, the government’s flustering attempt to get a hold of this is getting worrying and illogical. But that doesn’t mean we can all become protest d*cks and toss away our masks and human decency.

The government has a responsibility to not be a d*ck, but so do we. It starts small; wear a mask, anti bac and wash your hands, remain a safe distance from others. It gets bigger: don’t think your social life is going to get anywhere near 2019 levels; don’t even try to make it so. Don’t go to a mass rave, don’t throw a huge party. Don’t – if in doubt – be a d*ck.

Your own risk levels are all well and good but, unfortunately, this is not just about you. You share the air you breathe with millions of people who don’t want to end up on a ventilator or in an early grave all because you couldn’t wait a few months to rave it up with your mates or put a piece of fabric on a string over your goddamn nose.

Get a grip people, this is not a drill, this is our literal path out of a dystopian year.

It’s not rocket science.

Don’t be a d*ck.

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