Fifty years ago, an average woman could not even have doubts about who should call first, invite to a date or confess her love. The tradition that a man should be everywhere first, very firmly rooted in the mind.
However, men today do not mind if the activity is shown by a woman. How to be, if a man is passive in solving important issues, the SHE correspondent learned from specialists.
The concept of life
Today, it is commonly believed that there are not enough men for all ladies, statistics confirm this sad fact. In addition, the more progressive the age in the yard, the more men allow themselves to relax in relation to a woman. Some are inclined to blame for this emancipation, others – loving mothers, who pretty spoiled their sons.
However, at the stage of dating, most men stay steadfast. Problems usually begin after you have spent some time together, perhaps even sharing your living space. At some point you find out that on weekdays you go alone to the supermarket, on weekends, you hardly pull out the couch from the arms of the couch and the TV, and you often hear peaceful snoring instead of tender whisperings. What factor will be decisive – irregular sex or regular wars with the TV – depends on your temperament. In any of these cases, you will most likely blame the man for being “completely lazy,” and begin to understand the reasons.
“There is often a substitution of concepts,” said Maxim Zagoruiko, director of the Anti-Stress Center. – The situation when a woman accuses her husband of being passive, usually means a man’s reluctance to do what a woman wants from him. She does not get what he wants and calls it passive. ”
The reasons for which such situations arise, the therapist singles out a few:
1. Non-compliance of interests. A man may not be interested in doing what a woman wants from him. Especially if she is not interested in her husband’s occupation, but it is important for her that he meets her needs. This leads to the accumulation of hidden partner aggression.
To avoid such moments, it is important at the stage of choosing a life partner to pay attention to the fact that his basic interests were similar to yours. The phrase that love is a view in one direction is very appropriate here. If you learned about the true values of the satellite too late, you will have to get used to the idea: you are together, but your half is an independent unit and absolutely not obliged to want the same thing as you.
2. Unbelief of a man in his power. We are used to the fact that a man must be strong, courageous, brave and active. In fact, a man is not always confident in himself and often needs support. If he was brought up in the best traditions of “guys do not cry”, hidden complexes will prevent him from showing aggressiveness in making money or offering hands and hearts. A man can and should be praised and supported.
3. Indirect punishment.Here come the “husbands of eternally dissatisfied wives.” When a man at first tries to please a partner, but too often runs into a response to dissatisfaction, he finds the best option for himself: it is better to do nothing at all than to do bad and cause discontent. In this case, you need to change the focus: to move away from the “negligent” model and use the positive reinforcement mechanism: if you need to achieve something, if you successfully try to show that you are happy. If not – then you just have to tell the man that you do not like. If you sustain a pause between the event and the negative reaction – the “punished” will have time to forget about the undesirable act and subsequently instead of “correcting”, prefer not to be caught.
4. Imbalance of power.It happens that a woman breaks forward in terms of career and begins to command her husband. In his turn, the mechanism works, according to which the only way to maintain a balance in the family is not to obey. Often it is in such families that the husband begins to drink. The woman tries to “save” him from the green snake, and he, continuing to drink alcohol, makes it clear that she will no longer manage to control him.
Solution by attraction
There is a natural question – how do these people converge with each other? Does the principle of attraction of opposites work? As Rimma Efimkina explains, Gestalt psychotherapist of the NSU psychology center, imbalance of power is a frequent problem for active women. With a strong man, she will compete, with the “weak” it is convenient. But over time, it is with respect to the weak man that she will develop dissatisfaction. The fact is that at the subconscious level, each woman expects from a man a traditional pattern of behavior that several generations of her predecessors have adhered to. “Today, a woman has many privileges. She can receive education, provide herself with material support.
The woman is different, but she still has a psychological need for a man to protect her and protect her, she behaves as if she is still weak, “says Rimma Pavlovna.
Such a woman will blame the man for being passive. But the laziness of a partner always means only that he does not spend energy on something that is irrelevant to him. Thus, if you want to change the situation, the first priority is to restore what psychologists call the “take-give” balance.
“A woman who expects something from a man needs to know that there are several traditional expectations of the sexes from each other, which are linked together. It is important for a woman that her husband can provide materially, be a good father, listen to her and support her in expressing feelings. For a man – to satisfy his sexual need, his wife expressed admiration for him, always was attractive, shared his leisure and could provide comfort. If these basic expectations are met from both sides, the partners do not have any claims to each other, otherwise they always start reproaches. ”
What to do?
Perhaps you noticed that experts in the problem of male passivity bear the emphasis on the woman. And it’s no accident: “If from a woman a man gets what he really needs, he will strive to do everything for her. Therefore, if we are talking about a woman, her task is to become irresistible for a man, “Ms Efimkina believes.
According to psychologists, it is one of the most difficult tasks to bring a man to a conversation with whom relations have gone wrong. If you succeed, always start a conversation with your needs and what’s upsetting you. If you start with the accusations of a partner, you will only aggravate the conflict.
The unpleasant truth of life lies in the fact that when we get used to seeing shortcomings in others, we often forget: the only thing we can do in a situation that does not suit us is to change ourselves or change our attitude to this situation. If the partner does not want to change anything in your relationship – this is his right. And your right is to look at everything from the other side.