Respect for someone else’s territory is usually brought up in childhood: it’s not good to fumble around other people’s pockets, it is unethical to read other people’s letters.
However, saying goodbye to childhood, these rules somehow forget, in addition, they do not apply to a loved one – he is not a stranger! And now you have already encroached on the holy, rummaging in his phone, an electronic box or a diary, in order to armed with information, make a claim.
Is it worth keeping a distance in a relationship or you can safely break into its territory, the correspondent of SHE found out.
Who needs it?
While the males of the chimpanzee expel potential competitors from their vast territory, and marble frogs frighten randomly wandering strangers, swelling like a ball, the males and females of Homo sapiens contrive to swear at each other about their personal space. Personal space is not only a snack in the corner or under a sofa, where dirty socks or a box where old letters from adorers are stored are easily placed.
According to the therapist Maxim Zagoruiko, this is the amount of time you spend separately from a partner, and the number of contacts with other people in the absence of a partner.
“Personal space is necessary in order to relax from a relationship with a partner, feel self-sufficient, self-sufficient person –
explains the therapist. – In the personal space we all need, but everyone has different appetites. It depends on the psychological characteristics of a person, on the characteristics of the culture in which he grew up. ”
In our culture and language there is no analogue of the English word privacy, which is probably why many are sure that they have the right to violate the inviolability of personal space. “Man is not only a collective being,” recalls Olga Shamsutdinova, a psychologist at the Gloris Center, but also an individual. And if he will always open his borders to other people, he as a person can not be stable. ” In other words, if you keep the front door open all the time, it threatens with trouble, any person should regularly close in his shell to stay with himself.
In the series, such relationships develop between businessmen and their wives. The standard cliche: the husband has his own affairs, friends and acquaintances, his wife – tearful loneliness, which eventually gives way to a novel with a poor but pretty driver. Another option is the union of two creative people who so rarely come together that manage to get bored of each other.
What is dangerous: “Such relations can be stable if” separation “suits both partners and there are important factors for them that unite them: a common cause, love, interest to each other, children. In this case it can be quite comfortable in such relations, the partners are realized both in the relations and outside, “says Maxim Zagoruiko. In the absence of unifying factors or their small number, such relations die – people simply do not have to be together.
Problem:It happens that space is required only for one partner – this indicates that one of the partners is ready for separation (not parting, but healthy solitude), and the second is not yet. If you can not conquer an impregnable fortress in any way, this is an occasion for reflection. “Perhaps it is difficult for a man to talk about his feelings – men in general are usually more reserved than women.
Maybe he does not want or can not build a close relationship with this woman.Well, it is likely that he perceives interrogation as an attempt to control himself, “says the therapist Zagoruiko.
There is another reason why one of the partners does not allow to enter its territory and prefers to share it with other people. “This can be called the difference of intellects,” says Olga Shamsutdinova, “when in principle a person accepts another, communicates on everyday issues, experiences sexual attraction. But in the intellectual sphere he is bored, he does not have enough of this person. And then he is looking for other communication, other outlets of his energy. And the second feels that it is insufficient, and expresses displeasure, requires attention to itself. ” In this case, the only thing that can be done is to grow and develop, trying to reach the level of a partner.
Too much love
Along with the relations in which it is so free that it is possible to get lost, there are also those where it is closely in the literal sense of the word. “Close” girls piously believe in the theory of the half and are not ready to part with a partner even for a day. Moreover, they are sure that without him the world will collapse, that’s why they are trying all their might to be there to prevent the apocalypse. Here everything is like in teenage dreams: there is no place for secrets and personal life, everything in common is friends, interests, leisure, “and rains, and snowflakes, in half, in half …”.
Than dangerous: Such a relationship is good only in the beginning, but if you get bogged down in love affair for a long time, one of the partners may begin to suffocate. “At a certain stage, when the relationship is just beginning, such a healthy merger is the norm. But when the pair has already existed for a while, it is better if people know how to move away and approach each other, “Olga Shamsutdinova says. According to experts, the obvious interdependence is rare, often one is dependent, and the other is trying to break free.
“Psychologically, not quite mature people usually come into such relations, who at heart have an experience of their own inferiority, inferiority and hope to find a” second half “that will fill this cure and cure –
says Maxim Zagoruiko. – Such people can talk about their partner: “I do not feel that I live when it is not around.”
Problem: If a man does not let his beloved pass and comes to her heels, demanding that personal space become common, it is important to understand why he behaves this way, why he needs it. “Maybe he thinks:” If we love each other, then everything should be common to us. And the wife does not want to tell me in detail how she spent the day. So she does not love me! “. And maybe he does it on the basis of some other motives, “Maxim Zagoruiko reflects. In addition, it is worthwhile to understand why you yourself are protecting your space from encroachments.
Recommendations on how to build relationships in which one freely breathes and there is no lack of attention is familiar to everyone. True, it is much easier to formulate them than to apply them in real life. Experts recommend closely monitor their preferences and preferences of the partner, discuss their observations. “It is necessary to recognize the right of the partner to have those preferences regarding proximity, which he has,” says Maxim Zagoruiko. “It’s stupid to think that he should not be himself, but someone else.” In addition, one must learn to endure loneliness. In marriage, it makes sense to join someone who has learned to be alone. “