“I could make a whole book of promises that men gave me in bed,” said Barbara Streisand. I must admit that there really is a category of men who generously give out promises, and they do not limit themselves to the bedroom: “I’ll call you / Of course, we’ll get married! / Yes, I’ll buy you a fur coat / I’ll definitely come to dinner / Today I’ll hang this picture. “
Hit of all times and peoples: “I promise, this will not happen again”. Why men do not keep their word and whether to wait for the promised three years, the correspondent of SHE learned.
In the data we promise, we begin to believe since childhood – when the pope promises a beautiful doll for the New Year, and Father Frost guarantees that next year will necessarily reappear. When Santa Claus does not come, and instead of a doll under the Christmas tree, a tiny puppet sits, disappointment comes. It is noteworthy that the analogue of the phrase “a peasant said – a man made” about a woman does not exist.
Specialists explain the specific attitude to the word given by a man by sociocultural norms. “A man is a structuring beginning, he is building the structure of the world. And the structure is what you can rely on, “the psychologist Alain Sagadeeva philosophizes. “These are traditionally social and gender roles, according to which boys and girls are brought up,” adds psychotherapist of the Sibneymore Center Igor Pozhidaev. “People are expected from people,
But some, apparently, still inspired something else. Conventionally, men who make empty promises can be divided into three categories.
• Liar, a liar. This is a real liar, manipulator and cunning. He knows what he wants, and achieves it in every possible way, including giving out promises that he expects from him and which he will never fulfill.
• Aspiring.The second category is men who do it unconsciously. “Such men want to look better than they are. They are aspiring, but not moving, “- says Alena Sagadeeva. They make promises not because they want to deceive – they just want it to be so, so they themselves start to believe it sincerely, infecting their interlocutors with their faith. If you convict such a man in the inconsistency of the word and deed, he will sadly spread his hands, apologize and promise that this time he will try to do everything right.
• Offended.The most amazing character. From the previous one it is characterized by excessive resentment and demonstrative removal of responsibility. “Why are not you looking for work? You promised “- the fifth time they are interested in him. And he explodes with righteous anger, managing to bring a dozen arguments in favor of the fact that he has nothing to do and in general is deeply offended by the very formulation of the question.
Between word and deed
If you delve into the male head, most often the reasons for such irresponsibility are connected with an attempt to escape – fear of punishment, a desire to avoid scandal, or to calm someone who is deceived himself.
“The most important thing is that inside this person there is a conflict between what he really wants and what the people around him expect of him,”says Alain Sagadeeva. He may know that he wants something different, but he can sincerely believe that he wants the same thing as they, although in fact it is not. In the end, in order not to create excessive tension in the relationship, he promises something that he really does not want.
And what does he really want then? According to Ms. Sagadeeva, unlike a woman who wants stability, a man first of all is looking for freedom. How he will react to the restriction in the most basic need, depends on upbringing and strength of mind, but the reaction in one form or another will follow immediately. Empty promises are one of them.
The second need, which must necessarily be met (here already regardless of gender), is the need for love, acceptance and respect.
In response to his promise, the man receives certain bonuses: the fur coat has not been bought yet, the nail is not yet clogged – and the woman is already smiling, is already grateful in advance and inspires further verbal exploits.
Also, show me a woman who does not want to hear that everything will be all right and all desires will come true? Even if it’s hard to believe, even if all of the previous experience suggests the opposite – you still want very much.
What to do?
It’s hard to resist the question “Why did not you warn again?” It’s hard to keep from irony in response to another promise of a man who does not keep his word. The only thing that can be done in this situation is to try to sound again what you feel: in some cases the quantity factor works. And most importantly – for yourself to understand what you personally do in order to get the attitude that you get. This is probably outrageous for many women, but it happens that they themselves insist regularly, push their desires, not allowing the man to manifest himself the way he wants.
Analyzing in which column of merits you made a mistake, you can find the cherished key, which will open the veil of secrecy and put everything in its place.
“As a rule, the problem of the mismatch of values - for a man, something is valuable, but for a woman, they are different, and they do not overlap.
On the other hand, if a man makes promises on a regular basis, but does not fulfill them, then this is not the man – that’s especially hard to believe, “- says Alena Sagadeeva. To change the current model of behavior, according to experts, it is possible, but difficult. “This requires quite a lot of effort,” says Igor Pozhidaev. “And here we must properly assess the situation, understand – whether to fight for their own happiness or just find it in the form in which it already exists.”
If you do not want to tear a relationship, it’s worth asking yourself again – what will happen if he never fulfills what he promises? Do you want to be with him in this case? If not, then it’s worth stopping to amuse yourself with illusions. And if so, then the devil with her, with a fur coat, and with an un-nailed nail.