June 17, 2024

Which quarantine cliché are you right now?

She ordered a Kenwood mixer, and the whole Le Creuset set (baby pink, natch). Everything she makes has over 16 ingredients, 15 of which will be unpronounceable and unavailable in most stores. Meredith has requestedfurloughed leaveto learn how to make a baked alaska.

Meredith used to have a novelty slogan coffee cup that read ‘I don’t make dinner, I make reservations. ’ But post-COVID19, Meredith is now Millennial Nigella. It started when she made banana bread because Instagram told her to.

That was a gateway drug to the rest of it; the gluten-free bircher muesli she made from scratch, the five-tiered cake, the home-made burgers, the tuna tartare, the Vietnamese noodle salad, the sourdough bread.

The Meme Maker

Simone used to live online. She was always your go-to gal for Twitter goss and Instagram trends. Since Coronavirus hit, Simone doesn’t speak, she just memes. She has a meme for every moment of self-isolation desolation; from Drag Race imaginings of post-lockdown life, to a Real Housewives of Beverly Hills clip every time it’s 5pm and she wants a drink. Her friends have tried inviting her tozoom calls, but she just responds with the hot dude with a sign meme reading ‘2021 WILL BE OUR YEAR. ’ Her friends know better than to engage with her. Now they just respond with ‘it me. ’

The TikTok Queen

Sarah used to think TikTok was for kids. But since Sarah was furloughed two weeks ago, she’s bored in the house and she’s in the house bored. Now Sarah makes roughly fifteen TikTok videos a day. She knows every dance; from Renegade to Say So. She did the fridge challenge with her cat and now it lives in the neighbour’s house. She’s ‘flipped the switch’ with her husband so many times he is secretly filing for a post-lockdown divorce. Everyone is very worried about Sarah.

The Smugsolator

As soon as COVID19 hit, Annabel packed up the Land Rover and sped off to her second home in the Cotswolds. She heard the government advice, but she didn’t think that would apply to her because daddy is in the House of Lords. Annabel has mostly spent her days picking eggs from the hen house with her angelic children, taking selfies wearing floral maxi dresses, holding vintage baskets filled with freshly-cut tulips and hashtagging #dailywalk as she takes the shetland pony for a stroll down their 45 acre estate. God this is hard, thinks Annabel. No one agrees with Annabel.

The Secret Slob

Lynsey used to work punishing hours in the city. Lynsey never got to relax, or get enough sleep. Now she is taking the opportunity to do everything she could never do before. She works from bed, she orders Deliveroo for lunch, she snacks on Haribo and pick ‘n’ mix all day, she starts drinking at 4pm. Lynsey lives in PJs and that 90s revival tracksuit she ordered in every colour. Lynsey hasn’t brushed or washed her hair in over a week. Lynsey didn’t shower today. Lynsey will not be judged.

The Isolationfluencer

Karla hates her job and always dreamed of being an influencer. Karla sees self-isolation as her chance. Karla has done all the TikTok dances and the online wine tastings, she’s made banana bread and done the 5K challenge in her best Lululemon. Karla ‘Marie Kondo-ed’ her WFH desk and photographed it. She styles her lunches and dinners on intricately detailed tablescapes with paper crane napkins which she shoots with her new Nikon and that light projector she got from Amazon. Karla has made Dalgona coffee everyday and dressed up for black tie zoom dinner parties. Karla has bought silk pJsand posed for lazy day selfies in a full-face of makeup. Karla has started her own #isolatewithKarla IGTV series. None of Karla’s friends are speaking to her anymore.

The Breaking News Doomonger

When Coronavirus first hit China, Tyla ordered a box of masks online and a bumper pack of Carex anti-bac gel. She stockpiled toilet roll before it was trendy. She has enough canned goods in her kitchen to last her three years in lockdown. Tyla subscribes to every global newspaper and science journal in the word. She started a Whataspp group with her friends where she shares every update on the global death toll, and her ‘informed’ opinion on when she thinks lockdown will end, how many will die and her various theories on how you catch it. Tyla’s friends have muted the group.

The Project Master

It started when Sophie organised her sock drawer. It gave her a rush. Then she decided to tackle that massive pile of bills and paperwork on her desk. Then it was the wardrobe detox, then she deep-cleaned her kitchen and donated to her local food bank. Sophie now grows her own vegetables in her shared garden which has really annoyed the couple who live upstairs. She has taken an online painting course where she has mostly been in the shared garden, sketching the vegetable plot, which has also really annoyed the couple upstairs. Sophie is learning Mandarin and how to reupholster her sofa. She has taken up crochet and ordered a drum kit to start a Zoom band with her old colleagues. Sophie’s upstairs neighbours really want her to get her evicted.

The Barely-Functioning Human aka The Working Parent

Natalie runs a small start-up. She also has two small children under eight. Natalie’s husband is a key worker and is still going out to work. Natalie is now WFH full time with the added side hustle of homeschooling, bathing, feeding, holding, burping, de-snotting, cuddling, cajoling, scolding, separating, organising her children. Natalie hasn’t had an uninterrupted zoom meeting in three weeks. She has baby vomit and mushy peas on all her clothes. She has forgotten when she last brushed her teeth, she has forgotten her name is Natalile and not mummy. Natalie hasn’t slept for more than five hours this week. Please can someone help Natalie.

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