Each of us has a skeleton in the closet, or even a few – these are secrets that are not supposed to be known to others: some not the most pleasant episode from the past or very intimate moments of your life.
The problem is that sometimes it’s hard to figure out what it’s worth talking about, but where it’s really better to remain silent. She learned about how to find a balance between preserving personal space and at the same time not being a “black sheep” among the people around you.
In today’s society, which has no restrictions whatsoever, the topic for conversation can be chosen any – from the birth of a cat before the divorce of the former wife of the first husband. And yet to discuss a hot topic, like problems in the family, for many is more interesting than talking about kittens.
Why is this connected and why sometimes we women are tempted to tell others something secret?
1. The circle of the elect. According to the psychologist Tatyana Skritskaya, a person who has some kind of secret feels himself to some extent elected. And he has a very good way to raise his status in the eyes of others – to share his inmost knowledge with others. Thus, we kill two birds with one stone: we position ourselves and show to others that they, by gaining access to certain information, become kind of “approximate” to us. So we build relationships and strengthen our positions.
2. Load of the past. There are secrets that we guard very carefully from outsiders and at the same time we do not experience the best feelings. Remember the so-called companion’s syndrome on the train: when can we tell the stranger about the strongest experiences of the past? “As a rule, real tragedies for a person are traumatic situations of the past, which are psychologically loaded with a sense of guilt. When a person reveals his secret, he partially gets rid of it and gets relief, “explains psychoanalyst Inna Artyukhova.
3. Elimination of surplus. If a person tells a lot of other people’s secrets, this can mean that he has something to hide about himself. This is a kind of psychological screen: the temptation to talk about others is all the more great, the less this has to do with you. If a person talks a lot, but only himself and too frankly, this is a signal that he has stopped coping with the burden of personal responsibility: the unworked situations of the past are so much worrying him that he is trying in every possible way to shift their part to others.
Silence of the Lambs
Molchunov, people who prefer to hide the details of their lives, are often considered to be complex individuals who have fenced themselves off from the world with a shell of silence. This really happens – if a person internally does not trust others. But, as the psychologist Sergey Odnoval observes, one more factor needs to be taken into account: the need for self-expression through personal conversations. In other words, a person can trust others, but simply does not consider it necessary to tell them about the important things of his life.
Well, what can I say …
The first thing that most often worries us is what it is worth to hide in a close relationship with a man.
According to psychologists, one should never talk about adultery, past sexual experiences and things that the partner does not in principle accept, for example, the topic of drugs in the past or the abortions made in the youth.
There are no topics that could not be talked about in principle. There are topics that will hurt your half, cause tension and conflict. For example, a woman’s memories of her first marriage can show that she does not like something in the current relationship. That is why the recommendation is never to talk about past relationships the most stable: few people are able to realize what exactly he wants to achieve when he shares the past.
From the advice of specialists, the following can be noted:
• When referring to past experience, never resort to accepting a comparison, but to talk only aboutyourfeelings, thoughts, and experiences.
• From the very beginning, understand for yourself the limits of the possible tolerance of the partner. If there are things for him that he can not accept for one reason or another, one should never wear a mask of piety and say, “Yes, I’m such and say only the truth” -you do not do it better to yourself, nor to him, and strengthen relations, and you can easily destroy it.
• In personal relationships, one should never lie “for good”. If the partner asks questions that you do not want to answer, do not come up with a neutral answer. It is better to let know that this topic is for you in the past and raise you do not want it.
Work and wolves
But where to lie for good you can and even need – this is your work collective. To be more precise, not even to lie, but to invent a certain legend.
According to Tatiana Skritskaya, you need to have a “cover” at work – a certain story about yourself, a set of facts about which you will tell.
The true state of things on your personal front is of little concern, as well as the state of health, so it is not necessary or not necessary to talk about them at all. One can talk about mother-in-law, husband and children, but only in the ritual context of such conversations. It is at work that mother-in-law has the right to be conditionally grumpy, children are hooligans, and her husband to visit a bath with friends, which makes you very sad.
According to psychologists, the problem of some people is that they do not know how to wear what is called a social mask. They desperately seek to be “themselves” everywhere, not realizing that this does not do them any good. So, the ritual question of weather should be answered, that it is nasty, when asked about health, that it is excellent. This is called recognizing your different roles in such a diverse world.
