What to do if your sexual needs do not coincide with the wishes of the partner

If the ladies after the night of love put up estimates for sex, many representatives of the stronger sex would become inveterate thieves.Evaluation of “unsatisfactory” can be associated with a huge variety of factors – from inexperience to a difference in desires and temperaments.

The lack of harmony in sex becomes, if not the cause of parting, then just a serious problem, which, you will agree, is also unpleasant.

Whether there are sexually incompatible partners and what to do if there is a lack of understanding in the bed, the specialists were found out by SHE correspondents.

So that’s what you are …

Trying to explain their problems in an intimate life, you can refer to stress, burnout syndrome or the birth of children, but that’s not all. Sometimes, difficulties arise soon after marriage, when it is too early to talk about losing interest because of habit and everyday life, and it’s too late to find out where they were before the wedding.

Passionate desire to get married prevents to look at the person from all sides – women are more interested in the ability of men to provide offspring than sexual exploits and desires. Underestimating the sexual component of family life, focusing on the wedding ceremony and grandiose plans for the future, women (and men) reap the rewards.

Calculate in advance how a man will behave in bed, extremely difficult and only an experienced look. According to Yevgeny Aleksandrov, the director of the Amaltea center, there is an old psychological focus – one should look at how a person eats: “Whether he swallows the pieces, getting to the main dish, reluctantly picks up the food with a fork or slowly and with pleasure from the salad turns to hot – and in bed. It is clear that the analogy is artificial, but it is quite indicative. ” To avoid problems in the future, you need to watch not only the partner, but also for yourself. Women tend to substitute concepts, and with this it is better to understand the very beginning of the love path.

“The trouble is that very many girls at the early stages of the development of relations confuse sexual attraction and other processes,” says psychotherapist, sexologist at the Insight clinic Igor Lyakh. 

– They do not quite recognize the sexual interest – they fall in love and are drawn to the man as a father or brother. Naturally, in such conditions, sex will not be normal. ”

What’s the matter? 

A well-known sexologist Alfred Kinsey argued that 75% of divorces are due to the sexual dissatisfaction of one or both spouses. Considering the causes and types of incompatibility, we can distinguish the following:

1. Anatomical

Size still matters – but the anatomical incompatibility of the size of the genitalia is very rare. “By and large these are phobias,” says Igor Poperechny, director of the Center for Medical Sexology and Psychotherapy. – A large genital organ is rare, in addition, every woman during childbirth calmly passes the head of the child. If a woman is faced with such a problem, most likely she is not physically developed. ” Because of fear, women may develop vaginismus (difficulty, pain with vaginal penetration) or problems with arousal. The latter, incidentally, probably in the case of a small size of the male genital organ.

What to do? “If it seems to partners that they have anatomical incompatibility, I recommend going to a therapist and clarifying whether there is a psychological component there,” says Igor Lyakh.

2. Biological

Here it is a question of the lack of attraction of the partner’s biological data – smell, taste or appearance. According to Igor Lyakh, this kind of incompatibility can be formed as a result of a certain negative experience experienced by the partner: “An original” allergy “to the partner is formed – first everything is in order, then she” does not tolerate the spirit “- pseudobiological incompatibility”.

What to do? The choice of necessary actions depends on when the intolerance arose. “If people are young, they have many potential partners, this is a matter of personal choice,” says Igor Lyakh. – To suffer for the sake of no one knows what benefits, most likely, it is not necessary. If the partners have lived together for some time, it is worthwhile to figure out what has changed. ”

3. Physiological

Differences in temperaments often explain any problem in the relationship, just as people “owls” justify their morning laziness with mysterious biorhythms. According to Igor Poperechny, temperament depends on the degree of the sexual constitution, while partners with the same constitution are extremely rare – as a rule, in men it is stronger.

However, some women like to play a sex bomb: “They try to increase their status by the frequency and amount. The exactingness of such a woman is growing, but her behavior is indifferent. “

The problem of the difference in temperaments is relevant at the age of hypersexuality, when the needs of a young man far exceed the needs of the girl. “Therefore, girls find adult partners and adults – younger. Temporytmic relations coincide, when the difference is about ten years “, – says Igor Lyakh.

What to do? If a partner wants you every day, and you are able to have sex once a week, this may be due to poor physical health. In this case, you should do sports – it has a general strengthening effect on the whole body and trains muscles. If you are completely healthy and physically active, there is only one simple and at the same time extremely difficult way – to agree.

4. Psychophysiological

If the previous item was devoted to quantity, then here it will be about quality. Some men neglect long caresses, preludes, moving immediately to the “main dish”, which brings a lot of negative emotions to their partners. In some cases, a woman suffers when a man, referring to fatigue, refuses to have sex in the evening, preferring the morning. If this happens on a regular basis, it may not be a matter of fatigue, but of a problem with potency. “Men with less organized psyche use the morning sexual intercourse, when an erection occurs without problems – it is based on a hormonal background, but not on attraction. Many women do not like it, because it takes time and calm for excitement, “notes Igor Poperechny.

What to do?If the rates and rhythms of the initiation of partners differ, if a man seeks fast sex, then, as Igor Lyakh explains, “there is no physiological incompatibility here – it is corrected through negotiations and agreements.” The same complex and thorny path of discussions and explanations should be chosen by those who want to sleep in the morning and not have sex.

5. Psychological

It’s sad, but our ideas about the beautiful and terrible may not coincide with the ideas of the partner. The same can be said about the threshold of permissible norms. One learns the kamasutra and can not live without role-playing games and sex in the wrong places, and for the other oral sex seems to be the perversion of the perversion, and the missionary posture is the highest bliss.

“Many women, getting married, become” decent “wives, mothers and do not accept the ways that used to be normal for them earlier”, – marks Igor Poperechny. According to him, a categorical refusal in this case indicates a conflict within the pair.

Incompatibility can arise in the consumer attitude towards sex, when it becomes the object of manipulation: “One of the partners refuses sexual activity for one reason or another:” you only need your orgasm “,” do me nice “,” if you do not do that sex will not be at all, “- leads the examples of Igor Lyakh.

What to do?“If you created an image and found that it interferes with you, then you need to try to experiment – to destroy your stereotypes,” advises Igor Lyakh. “Some of them are pathological, some simply superfluous restrictions that come from outside, are reflected in one’s own experience and are not realized.” According to the psychologist, the more often you will depart from the usual roles, the more likely that your sex will be harmonious. But the desire for diversity should not be abused – thanks to fantasy compensation, the effect of bed games and amusements lasts no more than four months.

Transfer responsibility to a partner or quietly mourn unsuccessful sex – absolutely inefficient. According to Igor Lyakh, women often “justify their psychological sloth in various facts of sexual incompatibility.” Therefore, before you make a mournful diagnosis of your union and go in search of a new partner, try to change the situation, yourself or with the help of a specialist.

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