Real love stories of Francesco Petrarca to Laura, Dante Alighieri to Beatrice, the fruit of the imagination – the love of Don Quixote to Dulcine, Quasimodo to Esmeralda – all these feelings that were not destined to become reciprocal. The list can be continued – in the literature there were many sufferers who did not find reciprocal love. Although both suffer, the reader’s sympathetic gaze is more focused on the enamored than on the object of love, which he is pleased to refuse. But as studies show, those who can not reciprocate, suffer no less.
According to a survey conducted by SHE, only 9% of our readers have never experienced unrequited love, others are more or less familiar with it: almost 70% fell in love themselves, and 21% acted as those who could not respond in the same way.
From friendship to love
Friendship relationships often become the starting point for unrequited feelings. The scenario, when one of the friends is secretly in love, and the second one does not suspect about it, is known to all. Another way leading to the path of unhappy love is feelings towards the fabulous handsome, favorite of the opposite sex, possessing intelligence and ingenuity. Most often in this case, the object of love has comparative advantages in something (for example, external beauty) or in certain qualities far exceeds the sufferer-lover. In this case, the object seems close and attainable, the imagination draws magical pictures from a happy future, and the probability of lack of reciprocity is not taken into account. According to psychologists, we often evaluate ourselves higher than those around us (knowing about virtues, others are not known), even if we do not openly admit it. Therefore,
Who is suffering more?
According to statistics, men fall in love more often than women. The ratio is about three to two. Most likely, the fault is the external female attractiveness, which is mentioned first of all in opinion polls by impressionable men. Many representatives of the stronger sex, according to psychologists from the Center for the Study of Women (Los Angeles), want to meet a fantastic woman, whose image is inspired by erotic magazines. Choosing unattainable objects, such men are doomed to fall in love without reciprocity. To those who are unrequited love are those who are too concerned with the question of being loved. By their demands and obsession, they are capable of alienating people who previously had romantic feelings for them.
The reasons for unrequited love
“All you need is love” – ”All you need is love.” For a man in love, these words are not just the love lyrics of the Beatles group. Unrequited love is a manifestation of emotional dependence, the so-called one-sided addiction. “We all know about cases when on the basis of a short acquaintance and a few misinterpreted signals one person falls in love with another and imagines that his feelings are mutual,” write S.Pil and A. Brodsky in the book “Love and dependence”. –
Insanely in love rebuilds his inner world, preparing a leading role for this new man, who in reality is not more a part of his life than a figure from a dream. ”
Like other types of psychological dependence, one-sided addiction, if digested, will lead us into childhood. Children whose needs are not recognized or ignored, try to learn to limit their expectations to avoid pain and frustration. The unfulfilled need for love remains and makes itself felt in adulthood. Just as, after giving himself up to a man, a woman expects the development of relationships after sex, the lover brings his feelings to the desired object, involuntarily imposing the need to reciprocate him.
If you are in love with you
“We rarely hear about the torment of those who became the object of lovers,” writes psychologist Roy Baumeister of the University of the Western Reserve University (Case Western Reserve University), investigating the phenomenon of unrequited love. – Books and films almost always tell stories of love from the perspective of a rejected lover. But those who reject, and those who are rejected, can eventually become victims. ”
In the diary of a lover, before his heart breaks to pieces, one can find passion, a hope for reciprocity, and attempts to achieve favoritism. In turn, the object of love, too, hopes, but on the other – that his soft attempts to give the gate a turn will be interpreted correctly.
Studies of cases of unrequited love have shown that feelings of dissatisfaction, guilt, anger and anxiety are inherent more to those they love than to those who desperately seek reciprocity.
Psychologists talk about a typical scenario of unrequited love. Nobody likes him, but she feels sorry for him, and somehow she invites a single person to join the company, go to dinner together or take a walk before going to bed. This kindness and sympathy is instantly interpreted as a romantic interest in his humble person, and soon he does not move away from her, talking about his feelings. Being a well-bred girl and not wanting to offend an ardent lover, she does not say that he is not interested in her and that his confessions do not please her at all. Unable to say “no”, continuing to communicate, hoping that everything will pass by itself, it only fuels his romantic fantasies and hopes for reciprocity.
If you are wondering why you are still hounded by a fan in love, take a good look at how you behave with him. People, without noticing it themselves, say rather ambiguous things, something like: “You are a wonderful person, and I would like to be friends with you, but I’m not ready for closer relations now.” “Even saying such terrible things for a man in love, people manage to sweeten the pill and give hope,” notes psychologist Baumeister. It is not surprising that the lover catches at the saving straw, seeing only temporary difficulties and not noticing desperate hints at the unreality of relations.
Before you go somewhere, you need to understand where you ultimately want to go. In our context, this is the realization of what you want – to get rid of the mania of love or to achieve reciprocity. Look at your life not as you are used to – from the point of view of an unrequited love man, but from the outside. Do you have friends, close people, interests? Do you have a purpose in life or with the help of a lover you are trying to fill the inner void and gain confidence? Remember that love is the complete opposite of dependence. Its basis is the integrity and sense of security of people entering into relations.
Look around – how much interesting and exciting you are missing, reveling in a maniacal feeling and indifference to the world around you. “If a person loves only one person and is indifferent to the others,” wrote Erich Fromm, “his love is not love, but symbiotic affection, or extended egoism.”
But be careful: the path of substitution of one dependency for another is very tempting, but dangerous, and it does not matter if it’s a round-the-clock work, alcohol or in a hurry the relationships found.
“Almost every one of us knows people who replace romantic relationships with other types of escape, including narcotic, at least until other relationships arise,” the authors of the book Love and Addiction write. Therefore, the “wedge-shaped wedge” path is not always effective. Recollect, what hobbies and interests were at you before love? Maybe now is the time to switch to them?
“Equal happiness is to be a victor or defeated in the battles of love,” the French literary Claude Adrian Helvetius wisely noted. Regardless of whether you love or allow yourself to love, a new emotional experience will certainly teach you something.