Nikki Pennington, a mom and blogger at Grief to Hope, lost her mother to brain cancer five years ago. Although that may seem like a long time to some, anyone who’s lost their mom knows it feels like it was yesterday, regardless if it’s been just a few weeks or 20 years.
Nikki recently shared her personal experience with loss in a now-viral Facebook post, and it’s gut-wrenching.
“And when she dies you’ll search for her no matter how long she’s been gone,” she said. “You’ll search for her the minute she leaves in that very room. You’ll search the sky. You’ll search online. You’ll search group forums. You’ll search old messages. You’ll search old text messages. You’ll search old letters. You’ll search old cards. You’ll search for her. You’ll search old high school yearbooks. You’ll search old photo albums. You’ll search the memories of old friends. You’ll search her things. You’ll even search the crowds.”
She explained that even though you know your mom is no longer with you, coming to terms with her absence can take a very long time.
“You’ll find her in the gentle breeze. You’ll find her in the words to your favorite song. You’ll find her in your child’s smile.”
“Even though someone told you she’s gone, you’ll still search for her,” wrote Nikki. “And when you are walking down the aisle, when your baby is born and when the holidays come around, you’ll search the room for her. When the days are hard and when they are good. When the times are difficult and when they are so good that pure joy is filling your soul. When you are sitting on your back porch trying to sort out all your problems you’ll look over because even if for a minute you’ll be searching for her.”
Nikki then goes on to talk about how we accept loss. She sees her mom manifest in other parts of her life, and that brings her tremendous comfort.
“Then one day you won’t have to search any longer because you’ll find her,” she said. “You’ll find her in the gentle breeze. You’ll find her in the words to your favorite song. You’ll find her in your child’s smile. You’ll find her more and more as the days pass and then one day you’ll realize she’s been there all along.”
Although Nikki knows going through the stages of grief is completely natural when you lose someone you love, she’s learned that a part of her mom will always live in her and her children: “You didn’t need to search far to find her because you are her daughter and that means a part of her is always with you.”