29.05.2022

This math equation, will change the way you order pizza, and the course, of history as we know it

When I woke up this morning, removed my hand from my penis and crawled out of bed, I had no idea that my life would change forever. But here we are. A brilliant mind who loves pizza and saving money just shared a slice of information that shook me to my core.

Twitter user Fermat’s Library determined that one 18-inch pizza is more pizza than two 12-inch pizzas. Based on the scientific process of “eyeballing it” – the only scientific process I know how to do – that would seem like complete bullshit.

But they backed up their claim with a more reliable process known as “mathematics.”

Behold:

When you think about great moments in math history, you’ve got Newton’s Law of Gravity. Einstein’s Theory of Relativity. The time The Count counted an insane TVENTY bats. And now the 18-inch Pizza Maxim. I don’t understand the math behind those things at all, but while I don’t know the particulars, I do know that if a large manager throws me out the front door of an Applebee’s at a rate of 5-feet per second, I will eventually hit the ground with enough force to completely smush the Fruit Gushers in my pocket. And now I know I’ll never buy two 12-inch pizzas instead of one 18-incher ever again. Thanks, math.

I’m honestly pretty upset that Big Pizza has been lying to me for so many years. Just looking me in the eye and letting me make a horrible financial decision over and over. Shame on pizza places everywhere. As for our number-crunching hero, get them seven Nobel Prizes and an 18-inch pie, stat.

Like the ideas of most world-changing geniuses, people set in their ways are having a hard time believing it:

I’m working on a pizza-related equation of my own. It’s

Pizza = πx^2 + pineapple = 0

Because adding pineapple to any pizza makes it worthless. I call it the Get Out Of My House Theorem. Patent pending.

P.S.: Do we call Pi (the math symbol) Pi because it represents round things and pies (the food) are round? Or do we call pies (the food) pies because of Pi (the math symbol)? Real chicken-or-the-egg situation right there.

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