Christmas. Magical, wonderful, Christmas. As it rolls back around again, with the presents and the tinsel and the sobbing at the John Lewis advert – don’t pretend you didn’t shed a tear at Elton – we’re taking a look at how it’s changed since you were a child…
Christmas as a child: Waking up at 4am bursting with excitement
Christmas as an adult: Waking up at 4am with a hangover
Your head’s pounding and the blue light from your phone stings your eyes as you reach desperately for water. It seemed like a good idea at the time, didn’t it? That Christmas eve get-together with your old school friends. ‘Ok, ok, just one tequila,’ you remember shouting. But now it’s 4am and the hangover to end all hangovers is coming, your Mum’s going to be disappointed and a nap will be needed before lunch time. Oh, to go back to the good old days when the only reason to wake up in the middle of the night was to see if Father Christmas had been…
Christmas as a child: Your Mum gives you money to buy presents
Christmas as an adult: A kindle is HOW MUCH?
Not being funny but Christmas presents are expensive, aren’t they? A perfume here, a wine tasting experience there, before you know it, you’ve blown the best part of a month’s wages and all you’ve got to show for it is the joy on your relative’s faces on Christmas morning. If only you could go back to simpler times when your Mum would pop a crisp £20 note in your pocket and at the end of a full day’s shopping you’d still have money left over.
Christmas as a child: I am an eight-year-old eating machine
Christmas as an adult: Why do I feel so sick?
Where once you’d be able to eat a Cadburys’ selection box before breakfast and not even blink, now you’re strategically having to plan how many cheese and crackers you can have if you also want to fit in dessert. You’ve ever considered going… for a walk? To, you know… burn some of it off? You don’t even know who you are anymore.
This is what it’s really like to be a size 28 woman who has to ask for a seatbelt extender on an aeroplane
Christmas as a child: Nope, I’m no taking these pyjamas off, Mum
Christmas as an adult: Just an extra £50 to spend on the perfect Christmas outfit
‘What are you going to wear on Christmas day?,’ your Mum texts you, sending you a blurry picture of the sparkling frock she’s picked up in M&S. You’d forgotten about this, hadn’t you? Christmas as a child meant sitting in your pyjamas for as long as humanly possible – all day if you could – but now it’s a veritable fashion-fest. And you can’t be the one to ignore it because you’ll only be left full of regret when your siblings inevitably post a huge selection of pictures of you on the ‘gram come boxing day morning. Best get shopping again, hadn’t you!
Christmas as a child: Unbridled outrage at not receiving the gifts you wanted
Christmas as an adult: Polite smiling as you unwrap another pair of socks
How long have you been dropping hints about what you want for Christmas? Be honest with yourself. It’s been about six months, hasn’t it? But when the day rolls around and you scan the pile under the tree you can’t see anything that looks like that coffee maker you’ve been lusting after. As a child you would have stamped and screamed, but you’re an adult now. So you quietly smile, thank your family for their thoughtful gifts and get on your phone to have a good old bitch to your mates.
Christmas as a child: Say thank you to Aunt Mary for that bath bomb
Christmas as an adult: Say thank you to Aunt Mary for that bath bomb
One thing that never changes, no matter what age you are, is that you can expect to walk away from December 25th, year in, year out, with enough Lavender scented bath products to see you through until your deathbed.