If you’re concerned that your friend or partner is a narcissist and potentially subjecting you to narc abuse, here are Dr Paglia’s 10 warning signs to look out for…
“They have often been a victim of chronic relational trauma in childhood, and now lack empathy because their caregivers – for whatever reason and circumstance – did not meet their emotional needs when they were children,” explains Dr Paglia.
“Hence they developed their narcissism as a defence against loss and feeling vulnerable. ”
1. Charming, but for their own good
At the start, they will come across incredibly charming with their charismatic personality. They will try their best to win you over with their charm. They will make you feel special.
While there is nothing wrong with being an attentive friend or partner, it soon starts to wear off with narcissists. Or worse, they will keep using their charm to use and manipulate you. They extract whatever they want from you and be done with it.
2. Instant gratification required
You will find them self-absorbed and self-centred all the time and they expect you to fulfil their needs instantly. They might fight with you if you don’t do what they want, answer their call and texts immediately or you don’t do the things their way. Just try to say ‘no’ for once, and if they go off the rails, then that’s a strong narcissistic trait.
3. Entitlement is their go-to
They often expect exceptional treatment from others. In their minds, the world revolves just around them. To spot this, try and observe their behaviour when they visit a restaurant with you –see how they behave with the waiters and other staff members. If they are all about picking mistakes and making them embarrassed, then that’s a sign of narcissism.
4. Love to talk about themselves
One of the easiest ways to track a narcissistic personality? See if they want to talk or listen. A narcissist loves to talk about themselves exaggeratedly and excitedly. If they dominate the conversation every time you talk about something, then that’s a strong sign of narcissism. They always focus and give extra value to their issues and life more than yours.
5. They’re unreliable
Another way to spot a narcissist is to see how much they act according to their words. Many of them don’t follow through on what they say they’ll do. They will break promises, not stick to appointments, and fail in fulfilling any agreements. This can also mean that they are emotionally available one time and are gone the next.
6. They manipulate and feel no guilt at all
Some narcissists use their partners, friends and co-workers to fulfil their personal needs, fulfil their ambitions and cover up their flaws. For example, they might say things like: “I can’t wait for you to meet my friends so that they can be jealous”, or “I get to live with my girlfriend rent-free and use her car”. They don’t see anything wrong with this, since they lack empathy, and some narcissists even have what we call ‘cognitive empathy’ – they understand at an intellectual level how others feel and use this to manipulate them.
7. There are consequences when their demands are not met
They can’t stand disappointments or rejection at any stake. If they want you to do things their way, you must. Otherwise, there are consequences. They become rude, fight with you, or worse, might torture you emotionally. These are all the tactics they use to make you do whatever they want.
8. They don’t ‘do’ commitment
You might have fallen in love with their charming and charismatic personality, but you won’t get a serious relationship out of it. They often have commitment issues. They often take advantage of their relationship with you but keep an eye on the options outside, and you might catch them looking at other people intimately.
