“Don’t have YouTube Red? Access it for free by using its shortened URL, redtube. com”
“If the cashier asks you to pay and you don’t have money, just use this card and he will have to pay you instead. ”
“Cutting your tennis balls in half allows you to store two more balls in each can, saving space. ”
“Hate your miserable, boring job? Just develop a home and family life that is so toxic and dysfunctional you prefer being at work. ”
“Instead of expecting your wife to cook for you every night like it’s 1950, man up and develop a cocaine habit so you don’t need to eat. ”
“Got permanent marker on clothes? Got it on the walls? Got it on wood? Be more careful with your stuff dumbass, that shit’s permanent. Learn how to use a marker. ”
“Glue a tiny mirror over the picture of you on your driver’s license so when you hand it to the police, they get confused and arrest themselves instead. ”
“If you have a pregnant wife or girlfriend, give her a boiled egg or other protein source before she gives birth. This will deter her from eating her own babies. ”
“If a public bathroom is locked, don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety. ”
“If you ever text something weird to your girlfriend, just say “sorry wrong person” and she’ll let it go. Works every time. ”
“On death row? Ask for a McDonald’s ice cream as your last meal, they’ll never find a working machine and you’ll get to live. ”
“Apply garlic to a freshly opened cut or wound to immediately intensify the pain. ”
“Smell gas at home? Locate the suspected leak by striking a match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas. ”
“Why pay for pornography when you can just stare up at the sky until you see a cloud that looks like two people having sex? ”
“Always take random pills you find lying around. Drugs aren’t cheap, so you really can’t afford not to. ”
“Pour river water in your socks. It’s quick, it’s easy, and it’s free. ”
“Only a FOOL would buy IKEA furniture. Instead I just download the instructions and keep emailing their service department to say I’m missing a piece, until they ship me all the pieces over a six month period. ”
“Pee standing from a distance of several feet (or more). You will not only better oxygenate the solution, but also urinate all over the bathroom. ”
