The fact that after the wedding there are some amazing changes in the relationship, everyone has heard. But the majority continue to shrug their shoulders in perplexity, remembering with longing that at the beginning of the relationship everything was quite different. However, it is at the very beginning of the relationship, when the feelings are clouded by the eyes, that it is important to discern the true desires of the person behind the flowers and compliments. It is necessary to hear and understand what values he has, what goals he sets before him, how he imagines a happy life, what he puts into the concept of “happiness.” “It is important that these meanings and goals coincide with yours,” says the psychologist, founder of the Institute of Counseling Alain Sagadeev, “otherwise one can suddenly find next to a stranger and an unpleasant person with whom he already binds much firmly and reliably.” According to her,
Another important point – before choosing a partner, you need to mature: “The secret of happy couples is that in a couple people are not much happier than single. Unite in a couple makes sense only then and for those who have already learned to take care of themselves, “- says Alain Sagadeeva.
A breath of freedom
After watching romantic romance and reading books about love, women often think that lovers should stay together 24 hours a day. Soon one of the partners starts to choke and tries to break free. A sip of freedom is not a deliberate parting for weeks or months in order to strengthen relations. This right for a day or even an hour for yourself – to collect your thoughts or do what you love. Despite the desire for love and the desire to find a couple, the need for solitude remains – from time to time any person wants to be alone with himself. And this does not mean that he fell out of love or found another.
“If partners keep their interests and these interests do not contradict family ones, such a couple has a chance to live not only for a long time, but also happily,” Alain Sagadeeva is sure. – Accordingly, the alternation of leisure activities increases the value of the relationship.And the life expectancy of the family. “
According to the psychologist Alexander Zhukov, the director of the “LAD” center, those who are able to dissolve into each other are happy, but at the same time to retain their individuality. This happens when a person is mentally stable, self-confident and self-sufficient: “He is able to merge with another, but can easily get out of a relationship without fear of losing them. Where there is fear – there is no love, only dependence. ” “Dependent relationships lead to a divorce” in a broken trough, “adds Alain Sagadeeva. “This process is difficult to control, and in any case, the relationship delivers a little joy.”
Build your love
The desire to find your love attends to many, the desire to build it – except that the participants of the “House-2”. Why build something that already exists? Is there any need for additional efforts, if there is already something you wanted so much? However, love (in the conventional sense) is a necessary, but not sufficient condition for a happy life together. An excursion into the past, a comparison of the real relationship with those that were during the candy-bouquet period, is a thankless task. “The presence of love is a progressive factor in the formation of happiness,” says Alexander Zhukov. – But we must remember that everything is changing – both circumstances and people. Therefore, a happy family is not something frozen and frozen, it is a constantly changing system where people change themselves, accept the changes of the other and adapt to them. ” Actually,
“Love can become a seed, from it grows (or does not grow) a joint Space of Love, called the family, – confirms Alain Sagadeeva. – It is necessary to constantly monitor and discuss what and how it is happening, and by joint efforts to grow your own Happiness. The resulting stresses are the beacons, which necessarily need to pay attention to your partner. But do not blame, but discuss and negotiate. ”
Even if it seems to you that you and your lover are very similar, sooner or later there will be questions in which you will adhere to different points of view. In the minds of the majority, the conflict is associated with shouts, mutual insults and smashing of dishes. However, conflict is first and foremost a natural contradiction of interests, the question is how you will use it.
“A healthy family is not a family in which there are no conflicts, it is a sick family where people pretend and ignore reality. In the present relationship there are no hundred percent coincidences, as there are no identical fingerprints, believes Alexander Zhukov. In the opinion of psychologists, the presence of conflicts is a sign of healthy relations, but those couples who see in the conflict a way of communication and reaching consensus, and not a way of establishing someone’s rightness, are happy. “If you do not bring to the boiling point, and immediately identify conflict zones and openly discuss them, focusing their attention not on grievances and troubles, but on the desired results, the family lives longer and happier,” says Alain Sagadeeva.
The fact of misunderstanding, she said, is not the cause, but the result: “First, inaccurate arrangements against the background of excessive desires, then – inability to meet their needs and even inability to determine them. And only then – the inability to understand what the partner wants, especially if he himself does not understand what is happening. ”
Praise for boredom
Routine in family life (household or intimate) is considered a bad sign. They try to get rid of it at any cost. “This is due to the saturation of the need. For example, sexual interest decreases when sexual hunger is met. This is a normal trend, – says Alexander Zhukov. – There are artificial ways to support the need – various stimulants that bring about changes: in an intimate life – erotic films, in everyday life – travel, furniture relocation. ” “In fact, there is nothing wrong with turning life into a permanent search for alternatives, leapfrog work, spouses, entourage, etc., provided that you can afford alimony and confusion in your memories,” writes Joseph Brodsky in ” Praise boredom. ” – … The catch, however, is that soon this search turns into the main occupation, and your need for an alternative becomes equal to the daily dose of the addict. ” Most of our life consists of quite predictable and not the most exciting activities. If you think that the life of happy couples consists of daily surprises and fireworks, then this is a mistake – they simply refer to routine as a respite before the next active action.