Birth of a star
The only people on earth who do not value themselves are small children. They are born and live as they are. And what we call self-esteem appears later – with the first impulses of the educational process. As the psychotherapist of the Insight clinic Igor Lyakh explained, in the modern consumer society there is the concept of baby-cult: this phenomenon, when the very fact of a child’s birth is given a special social significance. But this value is partly consumer: the installation “I have a child prodigy” overstates the child’s self-esteem, often unreasonably, and this is quickly made known by the children’s contemporaries.
This is how the split self-esteem develops: on the one hand, a person has the idea of ”his own grandiosity”, and on the other – reality confirms that grandness as such is absent. This becomes fertile soil for a common neurosis – just knowing what it should be, a woman constantly feels: she does not think so, something does not say that, and in general, her legs could have been more built up. So the desire for the ideal, attempts to match it, turn out to be the underside of self-doubt. Psychologists call this hypercompensation (self-doubt is compensated by a mask of external well-being).
Achieving the ideal appearance, manners and words proving to others that she is all right and even better than anyone else, such a woman tries to convince herself of this at least herself.
In our society, high self-esteem is often equated with “normal”, and the higher it is, the more people are considered happier. But this is not entirely true, and an overestimated self-esteem is no better than an understated one. As Igor Lyakh explained, an inadequately inflated self-esteem is exactly the mask under which a woman hides, fearing that someone will recognize her “real”. A high “normal” assessment of yourself is built on the basis of real evidence of success, first of all – the acknowledgment of the society: the social recognition of your actions is a criterion of adequacy of self-esteem.
This is how the unrecognized geniuses of all stripes are obtained, “Igor Lyakh explains. Those who consider themselves smarter, prettier and more successful than others, know: this is a rather heavy burden. The most important problem of a person with high self-esteem is constant conflicts. Conflicts with themselves (everyone knows how hard it is to fight with each other for every extra kilogram, for example) and conflicts with others. So, an attractive and intelligent girl suffers – why is there no suitable man for her, girlfriends have long since fled, and colleagues are trying to avoid. “Such a person either disparages his or her surroundings, as it too” does not hold out, “or makes high claims to it. Both of these ultimately lead to rejection and loneliness, “says psychotherapist Igor Pozhidaev.
Getting out of the impasse
Women who desperately seek to appear better than they are, usually keep the defense to the last: it is absolutely impossible to admit their own imperfection for them. Keep the defense for life, however, rarely anyone can. Too much effort is required. To save yourself from the collapse of the world view, psychologists advise paying attention to the following.
First. Overestimated self-esteem can be an attempt to compensate for an objectively low personal potential. By the principle “It can not be that I’m such a trifle – just a crowd of fools can not appreciate my greatness” many people unconsciously live.
Tip: Accept the fact that we are all “ordinary” to the same extent as the unique ones. And to prove the opposite, even to myself, is a waste of time and energy.
The second.Overestimated self-esteem is often formed by parents, realizing their hidden needs. Result: a person all his life trying to match something, forced to “keep the mark” and does not separate his desires from those that he absorbed from his parents.
Tip: Separate your needs and desires from non-your own, perhaps you will allow yourself to “come down to earth.”
Third. Overestimated self-esteem is more characteristic of young women. The more mature a person becomes, the more adequately he perceives his possibilities.
Advice: Do not be lazy to engage in self-development and do not be afraid to grow up, so the distortions will go away by themselves.
Fourth. If you doubt whether you adequately assess yourself, the simplest thing is – ask as many different people as possible about what they think about you in reality. Do not be limited only to friends and family. The more “mirrored” opinions you get, the easier it is to understand what other people see in you, and to realize whether you like it or not.