Despite the incredible craving of a woman of the 21st century for independence, there are still things in this life that I would like to leave to men. Coat, for example, to file, bring the bag, offer to do.
If, having a live, healthy man at hand, all this woman will do herself, she will not be understood. They will condemn, sympathize, give advice – how to contrive and marry him to himself. Before trying to drag a man into the registry office, the correspondent of SHE suggests to understand the reasons – why the man is not in a hurry to make you happy with the offer to become his wife.
Not so long ago we received a letter from our reader, in which she tells her story and calls for help:
“We meet a young man for a year, four months we live together. I love him and he too, but he does not hurry to make an offer. Argumented by the fact that these are all conventions that you can live without any registration. On the one hand, I understand it, but on the other – it is very important for me that our relations are legal and the child that we will have was born into a normal family. And I think it’s humiliating to get married when I’m pregnant. “
Often men underestimate the role of “conventions” and stereotypes, forgetting that they themselves are guided by the status rather than by other criteria when choosing a job or car. Marriage for a woman is a very important status, and although the times are not right now, the absence of a ring on a finger at the age of 30 is still a bad sign. “This is a consequence of the existence of a traditional female stereotype, where the” value “of a woman for society was determined by the presence of family and children, as there were simply no other ways of social realization for women,” explains psychologist Natalya Gulina, Insight Clinic.
Stereotypes are a very violent phenomenon, and despite serious social changes, they still want to meet and marry “on time”, in white dress and before the birth of children.
I do not want to marry
The reasons for which a man evades from the official registration of relations, a great many – from the most unpleasant option, when you do not see in the role of a wife, until the situation when a man is so serious about the issue of marriage that he wants to properly prepare for this difficult event.
1. And it’s so good
Scientists from the University of Rutgers, USA, asked the same question as the correspondent of SHE, and conducted a study in which they concluded that men are not in a hurry to get married, as the modern world provides them with a lot of opportunities for a good life without a family. Lack of strong influence from outside (yet mother’s griefs about grandsons can be experienced), sexual availability of women before marriage and a lot of opportunities to spend time with like-minded people allow you to postpone marriage until better times.
2. I’m free
Persuasion from a series of stereotypes – a successful man always has a lot of women. The presence of a stamp in the passport, despite all its conventionality, is a deterrent. Some, of course, continue to win and mark themselves after marriage, but in this case it is connected with additional difficulties and threatens with troubles. The lack of registration calms a man with the above beliefs – he can count on his freedom, even if he never uses it.
“If a man is not married, but is in a long relationship, he still thinks himself free and keeps in his own eyes the opportunity to” continue “at any time, and in most cases the marriage interrupts the intensive process of accumulating” victories “, primarily for him “, Explains Natalia Gulina.
3. I’m stuck
One of the most coveted types is a man who has everything. He likes to enjoy life and rarely thinks about the family. He also does not hurry up with children – there are deeds and more important. According to experts, he does the right thing, and he should not be rushed.
“Throughout life, a man goes through certain stages of development. If you refer to the archetypes of Jung, he first Prince, then Trickster (Magician), after – Warrior and Boss, – says psychologist Alena Sagadeeva. – A modern man goes through the stage of the Prince with love sufferings and loneliness, but gets stuck in the Trickster stage – when he feels that he can do a lot of things and enjoys implicit power. He does the right thing, if he does not marry, because such marriages are doomed to failure. ” A successful marriage, according to the psychologist, can happen only when a man overcomes the stage of a warrior, resolute, courageous, willing to defend, and becomes a responsible boss who realizes the need to start a family.
4. My mother’s fault
One of the reasons why men are not in a hurry to part with their freedom is a special relationship with their mother. Aggression from the parent – and the female image loses attraction in the eyes of a man, a hyperope – in this case the wife is not able to replace her mother. “If the mother of a man, regardless of his age, tries unobtrusively to protect him from the encroachments of other women, he can safely exist with his mother, depicting attempts to get married, but in fact absolutely not wanting to do it, because my mother is the best,” says the psychotherapist center “Neuromed” Igor Pozhidaev.
4. Anxiety, anxiety!
Perhaps the most common phenomenon is the fear of obligations. A man does not refuse to bring prey to the house and take out a trash can – simply by going to the registry office, he actually agrees with witnesses to do this for the rest of his life!
“Since marriage is a social phenomenon, it means that spouses take social obligations in front of a lot of people. Any additional obligations cause alarm – “I will manage, I can not manage”.
The very word “commitment” causes a feeling of extra burden, heaviness. If the perception remains so one-sided, then the stresses are greater than the pleasures, which provokes avoidance, delaying the decision, “comments Natalia Gulina.
What to do?
With this question, the SHE correspondent turned to specialists. The answers are very different, there are plenty to choose from.
Igor Pozhidaev:“Of the irreplaceable people there was only one person, his name was Adam. You can be happy with enough people, there is not only one in the whole world. If the satellite evades, it is necessary to understand that a person simply does not want to take responsibility and pushes the second half to the decision that he does not want to voice. ”
Alain Sagadeeva: “You must build your own life, not hoping that the prince will come and you will live happily ever after. This tale is very poisonous – we have many generations do not bring up princes who want to become kings. ”
Natalia Gulina:“Speak. Explain what is happening to you, what does it mean for you to refuse to marry. But do not press or scandal. This is a bad start to life together. And remember – you always have the right to decide that such relationships do not suit you. “