Sometimes the greatest thing to come out of terrible movies are the hilariously scathing reviews. Case in point…
Howard The Duck
“The story has no center; the duck is not likable, and the costly, overwrought, laser-filled special effects that conclude the movie are less impressive than a sparkler on a birthday cake. George ‘Star Wars’ Lucas supervised the production of this film, and maybe it’s time he went back to making low-budget films like his best picture, ‘American Graffiti.’” – Gene Siskel, The Chicago Tribune.
“I’ve had mosquito bites that were more passionate than this undead, unrequited, and altogether unfun pseudo-romantic riff on ‘Romeo and Juliet.’” – Marc Salov, The Austin Chronicle.
The Emoji Movie
“This is a movie about how words aren’t cool, but you can still expect a girl to fall at your feet in response to mild wordplay. Please keep up. Or throw whatever device you’re reading this on into the ocean. Send me a postcard … tell me what it’s like to be free.” – Kaitlyn Tiffany and Lizzie Plaugic, The Verge.
“‘Battlefield Earth’ saves its scariest moment for the end: a virtual guarantee that there will be a sequel.” – Desson Howe, The Washington Post.
Freddy Got Fingered
“This movie doesn’t scrape the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn’t the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn’t below the bottom of the barrel. This movie doesn’t deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence with barrels.” – Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times.
Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice
“An even less charitable way to put it is that a clearly excited 7- or 8-year-old kid sitting in front of me busted out crying and had to be whisked out of the theater by his father within the first five minutes. Perhaps he was unnerved by the harsh, operatic violence of Bruce Wayne’s parents getting murdered – the mom’s pearls get tangled around the gun, somehow, which allows for some very tight and poignant slow motion – or maybe he was offended by the notion that a 2016 Batman movie felt it necessary to depict Bruce Wayne’s parents getting murdered. Either way, this kid bounced.” – Rob Harvilla, Deadspin.
Sex and the City 2
“When viewed as a rom-com, ‘Sex and the City 2’ is terrible and crappy and a horrific inversion of everything the show once was. But when viewed as a science fiction film, ‘SATC2’ is subversive, stylish and chilling. Like The Island from ‘Lost,’ we may never know The City’s true identity – Is it a VR computer program? A malevolent interdimensional god? Satan?” – Cyriaque Lamar, i09.
The Adventures of Pluto Nash
“It’s good to know that, if we have to leave Earth someday, we won’t have to go without our kitsch. Forensics experts will be digging through the rubble of this fiasco for a long time, trying to reconstruct the accident. How did so many lines fall flat? Why were the action scenes so corny and unconvincing? Who put the stink on this?” – Jack Mathews, New York Daily News.
“With emotions as sincere as the soap flake snow on its sets, ‘Jack Frost’ goes on to show how much fun it is to have a snowman as a loving, though dead, father … As one more Hollywood effort to look on the sunny side of fatality, ‘Jack Frost’ is so sugarcoated that it makes other recent efforts in this genre look blisteringly honest.” – Janet Maslin, The New York Times.
“Even making a little game of it, and trying to pinpoint the exact moment when Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez fell in love, stops being fun after a while. Perhaps it’s when he says, in an attempt to seduce her, ‘I’m the bull, you’re the cow.’ Or when she beckons him into foreplay by lying back in bed and purring, ‘Gobble, gobble’ – which could forever change the way you view your Thanksgiving turkey.” – Christy Lemire, The Associated Press.
“The film could have turned out worse, but only via the addition of a Tom Green cameo, or an accident in which the actors caught on fire.” – Keith Phipps, The AV Club
From Justin to Kelly?
“How bad is ‘From Justin to Kelly?’ Set in Miami during spring break, it’s like ‘Grease: The Next Generation’ acted out by the food-court staff at SeaWorld.” – Owen Gleiberman, Entertainment Weekly.
Transformers: The Last Knight
“I’ll admit, I’ve been dreading the thought of trying to at all explain the plot of this movie – even in broad, simple terms. I honestly had anxiety dreams last night about this moment. It’s like staring at a projected kaleidoscope for two and a half hours and then trying to tell someone about the plot.” – Mike Ryan, Uproxx.
“‘Valentine’s Day’ is being marketed as a Date Movie. I think it’s more of a First-Date Movie. If your date likes it, do not date that person again. And if you like it, there may not be a second date.” – Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times.
“The movie is symptomatic of a social attitude that might be called the security of incompetence. There’s something reassuring about a bad movie that doesn’t ask you to think or feel or even pay attention … we can all be happy D-minus students huddled together in communal self-disgust in a D-minus world.” – Stephen Holden, The New York Times.
“In the end, though the metaphor of mental institution as battleground is an interesting one to explore, that is not the analysis at the heart of this movie. Nope, ‘Sucker Punch’ is a two-hour $82 million fetish film examining how hot sad schoolgirls look when holding weapons. Snyder should have just made a porn movie – it might have been better, and it definitely would have been cheaper and more honest.” – Dodai Stewart, Jezebel.
“I’m curious about who would go to see this movie. Obviously moviegoers with a low opinion of their own taste. It’s so obviously what it is that you would require a positive desire to throw away money in order to lose two hours of your life. ‘Sorority Boys’ will be the worst movie playing in any multiplex in America this weekend, and, yes, I realize ‘Crossroads’ is still out there.” – Roger Ebert, The Chicago Sun-Times.
“I’d rather wake up next to a severed horse head than ever watch ‘Gotti’ again. The worst movie of the year so far, the long-awaited biopic about the Gambino crime boss’ rise from made man to top dog took four directors, 44 producers and eight years to make. It shows. The finished product belongs in a cement bucket at the bottom of the river.” – Johnny Oleksinski, New York Post.
Jaws: The Revenge
“In the just-released ‘Jaws: The Revenge’ the shark’s main course is intended to be Roy Scheider’s widow, Ellen Brody, a frumpy middle-aged woman played by boring actress Lorraine Gary, who happens to be married to the president of MCA Universal, which finances the ‘Jaws’ films and which explains her lead role. Let’s put it this way: When you see and hear the nasal Lorraine Gary on screen you want the shark to eat her.” – Gene Siskel, Chicago Tribune.
“You absolutely can fault [George Clooney] for wrongheadedness in making a movie that condemns racism, and specifically segregation in the postwar housing boom, albeit in the most broad, perfunctory, awareness-ribbon-wearing way while barely allowing its black characters to speak. ‘Suburbicon’ might be the biggest embarrassment to pious Hollywood liberalism since ‘Crash’ won best picture in 2006.” – Chris Klimek, NPR.
“‘Avatar’ isn’t about actors or characters or even about story; it’s about special effects, which is fine as far as it goes. But for a movie that stresses how important it is for us to stay connected with nature, to keep our ponytails plugged into the life force, ‘Avatar’ is peculiarly bloodless. It’s a remote-control movie experience, a high-tech ‘wish you were here’ scribbled on a very expensive postcard. You don’t have to be fully present to experience ‘Avatar’; all you have to do is show up.” – Stephanie Zacharek, Salon.
The Other Woman
“I know what you’re thinking … ‘Enough beating around the bush. Just tell us whether you liked it.’ Consider this, which I will say in terms this movie would understand, if you were on an airplane, ‘The Other Woman’ might not be preferable to simply staring into your empty airsick bag, but it has enough nicely executed physical comedy that in the event you become ill, it is definitely preferable to staring into your occupied airsick bag.” – Linda Holmes, NPR.
The Human Centipede
“This is one of those movies where victims repeatedly have opportunities to escape but choose not to, guaranteeing still more grotesque degradation, full of gore, torture, and sexual humiliation – and contains not an iota of wit or intelligence to justify any of it.” – Michael Ordoña, The Los Angeles Times.
Fifty Shades Freed
“Universal has had some fun with its marketing campaign, using the tag-line, ‘Don’t miss the climax.’ It’s a shame, though, that the posters exhibit considerably more ingenuity than the film itself.” – Brian Lowery, CNN.
Mac and Me
“‘Mac and Me,’ which opened yesterday at the Guild and other theaters, has a final police shootout and a fiery explosion in which Eric is the victim. When a doctor announced that Eric was gone, a small boy behind me said, ‘He ain’t dead,’ with all the calm assurance of an experienced moviegoer who knows perfectly well that if E.T. came back, so would Eric. Cloning is a dangerous thing.” – Caryn James, The New York Times.
“[M. Night Shyamalan] directs the material as if he’d written it (which he did), and not a single friend dared tell him the truth.” – Mick LaSalle, SFGate.
“My notebook usually remains near my lap, but at this movie, it made involuntary trips over my mouth to cover all of my gasping. The entire experience is shameful – for us, for the filmmakers, for whoever at the studio had the job of creating the ads, in which the cast appear to be starring in hostage posters.” – Wesley Morris, Grantland.
“‘The Snowman’ is like if aliens studied humanity and tried to make their own movie in an attempt to communicate with us. This simulacrum contains all the requisite pieces of a movie, but humanity got lost in translation.” – Barbara VanDenburgh, The Arizona Republic.
“The plot of Michael Grais’ and Mark Victor’s screenplay is even more nonsensical than it needs to be, revolving around frequent unmotivated trips between parallel cartoon and live-action universes, and around the question of whether cartoon women will have sex with human men.” – Janet Maslin, The New York Times.
Batman & Robin
“The people who made this movie – which, as always, is set up for a sequel – will be laughing all the way to the bank. But isn’t there someone in that bank who can lock them all inside a safety-deposit vault and throw away the key?” – Peter Rainer, The Phoenix New Times.