People meet, people fall in love, get married … It is at this moment that all fairy tales and melodramas end. But after all comes the most interesting and far from such a cloudless period, as we would like.
And even if lovers do not marry, but simply live together, their union is inevitable, being a developing system, meets with complex transitions from one stage of development to another. These complex transitions are considered inherent in any pair and are called crises of family life. The correspondent of SE found out what they are and what to do with them.
In Chinese, the icon “crisis” consists of two hieroglyphs. The first means “risk, danger”, the second – “possibility”. This suggests that, being a powerful stress, a kind of shake-up, the crisis bears the opportunity to strengthen the family and move into a new quality of relations, otherwise the pair is waiting for stagnation. Crises are experienced by all couples without exception, only the degree of brightness of this process remains different.
Rimma Efimkina, Ph.D., leading female psychotherapeutic groups, believes that the so-called immature marriages are the most susceptible to crises: “A mature marriage can not begin in the beginning, since an early marriage is unconsciously created with the goal of emancipating itself from parents and gaining autonomy.
Spouses (again unconsciously) will involuntarily make a parent out of a partner. When the partners take responsibility for the relationship, they stop remaking the partner, the stage of a mature marriage begins. In mature marriage, partners look for this way of building relationships, so that everyone can develop their “I” while staying together. ”
In the process of maturity, the unions will meet the following crises:
1. The crisis of the first year: “Who are you?”
Having played the wedding, the newlyweds begin to arrange their life and through the bright light of their love to consider who really became their companion of life. The division of household duties begins, there are discrepancies in expectations from each other, start to irritate small and seemingly insignificant habits … Such lapping may well end with the phrase “the love boat broke about life.” Especially today, when old standards of marriage are no longer relevant, because women work on a par with men, and new ones are not yet formed. And indeed, the lion’s share of marriages fall apart in the first year.
What to do:(recommends Anastasia Radaeva, psychologist-consultant) Decide what kind of desire is more important for you – to be with this person or, for example, to see an apartment clean. And if the first desire is more important, then one can calmly look at once irritating little things and appreciate the presence of a loved one.
2. The crisis of three to five years: “The third is not superfluous”
This crisis is connected with the appearance of the first-born. Even before his birth, the woman was absorbed in pregnancy, and now she can not take her eyes off the little angel. The husband becomes the only breadwinner, is deprived of attention of the wife, is jealous of the child and experiences sexual dissatisfaction. Shocked by such changes, the couple are trying to become parents, they recognize the hitherto unknown sense of responsibility for the life and health of a small miracle. And all this is often in conditions of fatigue, lack of sleep, housing and material problems.
What to do:If a man joins in his father’s position, he will calmly and with support treat the increased attention of the wife to the child. Explain how important you are to help him, and if possible, try to pay attention to him, often spend time either alone (while the child has a grandmother), or three together on walks.
3. The crisis of seven or nine years: “I’m bored with grief”
Usually by this time, many couples have children, have financial independence. All habits, character and behavior of the partner are well studied. You can tell how the spouse will behave in any situation, you understand each other halfway. Everything seems to be fine, but it seems that love is gone, there is no interest and romance, as in the first years of marriage. The husband and wife are already fed up with each other. Most men complain that wives have ceased to share their passions, ignore romantic impulses.
What to do: In this period, in order for the relationship to remain bright and interesting, the pair must necessarily have a common cause, interest, passion that they can discuss, which unites and fills with enthusiasm.
4. The crisis of 14-17 years: “The rebellion of the 40-year-olds”
This crisis is among the most difficult, because it is caused by the teenage crisis in the child and the crisis of forty years in the parents. The teenager aspires to separate from the parents, becomes aggressive and uncontrollable. At this time, parents begin to understand that very soon they will remain together again, but often they do not find grounds for this and find a complete lack of joint interests. And if earlier they gave the main amount of energy to the child, now he does not need it, and they have a difficult task to find a new application for it.
In addition, at the age of forty, people have a well-known crisis in the middle of life, when awareness of approaching old age and death occurs. Since it is often difficult to accept this, the spouses try to overcome this crisis by changing external circumstances: the woman is in every way young, and the man seeks to confirm the yet-extinct sexual attraction, which is called “gray beard – a demon to the rib.” All this leads to tension within the relationship, there is a reassessment of the values acquired during the life together and the results of conformity or inconsistency of the desired in youth and acquired to maturity.
What to do:for a woman this is a very difficult period, since the basic social task – the birth and upbringing of the child – is fulfilled, it begins to feel unnecessary. The consequence of this is the fading interest in her from her husband. Therefore, the best thing that she can do to save a marriage is to start living for yourself, for your own pleasure: to look after yourself, to travel, to do what you love. This will revive the fire in her eyes and return the attention and love of the spouse.
As already mentioned above, the crisis has two sides, and, knowing this and the essence of the crises, one can prepare for them as an important transition to a new quality of relations. Because the crisis will still come, and it can be experienced in different ways. This is said by Alexander Zhukov, psychotherapist of the unified register of professional psychotherapists in Europe. He believes that to pass crises gently and treat them as a growth opportunity is helped by an understanding of the different nature of the male and female, the understanding that men from Mars, women are from Venus, and that they are called upon to complement each other, rather than compete and compete with each other with friend.
Therefore, the answer to the question of ways to go through the crisis is not so acute is the list of capital truths of partnership relations, the essence of which is respecting each other, accepting the partner as he is, in the ability to hear and understand it, care and support. Many couples dream that one day long-awaited family happiness will come, there will be peace and prosperity. But the relationship, like any organism, is constant only when in continuous changes. Therefore, we wish you to make your marriage a good thing, and not as in a well-known saying.