When we look at the bullfighter who raised the red cloth, we know that the bull is going to throw at him now. In the relationship it happens the same way: saying some things, we seem to give a signal to the battle, and the results of this battle are always disappointing.
What questions most often serve for men such a red rag and why they should not be asked too often, the correspondent of SHE explained.
Do you love me?
This phrase is a recognized hit of all times and peoples. After all, every woman so wants to hear from the sweet words of love more often.
Problem: an aggressive position.
One hundred percent of men hate to answer this question, in the morning looking for clean socks or sipping beer with a roach at the TV in the evening. And in other situations, this issue, according to popular belief, the most annoying. It contains a clear threat, so a man must respond to it positively. Probably, it is obvious that to feel a threat in his own chair with his own beer is extremely unpleasant even for a brave man.
When we get married?
Hit number two. Perhaps, this question is worried by the vast majority of the country’s neo-ringed female population. The question finds the man, as in the first case, usually not on time, sounds menacingly.
Problem: a man is deprived of the opportunity to make a decision.
“In our culture, the offer of the hand and heart is still made by a man,” recalls Rimma Yefimkin, psychologist at the NGO Psychology Center, recalling that you are depriving him of the right of the first role in this important matter. An uncomfortable outsider feel uncomfortable.
Will you buy me this fur coat?
It is customary to listen to similar stories from girlfriends: they say, I just pointed with my finger, but he took it and bought it. It’s nice to say: gold, not her husband.
The problem is: speculation on feelings, demanding promise, regardless of opportunities and desires.
In the normal scenario, a man wants a woman to create emotional comfort in the house, and he himself played the role of earner. In this scenario, he can play the role of donor, but not a sponsor. Especially harmful is the manipulation in the spirit: “Oh, there will not be a fur coat? We’ll talk at night. ” Men feel tricks and do not like them very much.
What are you thinking about?
Knowing what is happening to the husband is vital, besides, you’ve been telling him about the squabbles at work for two hours already!
Problem: unwillingness to be weak.
“Women have a need for a man to be predictable and reliable – it is important for her to know what he feels and thinks,” Rimma Efimkina explains. The man is arranged differently: the less he speaks, the greater the sense of his strength, power and control. Too much to say means to become weaker. Who wants to be weak? In addition, at home, in addition to discussing harmful colleagues, there are lessons more interesting. For example, eat. Or have sex.
Why did not you take out the garbage?
Household issues do not spare anybody, and because of household quarrels even couples with more experience of marriage are divorced.
Problem: the mother’s position.
Men are weak in conjectures and half-hints. If you need something from your husband at home, there is only one universal advice: write a paper with clear instructions, if the request was not – blame her husband. “If a man does not want to do anything, a similar question is perceived as a parental requirement. Respond to him – then, to justify himself, “- recalls the therapist Alain Sagadeev. Than it is fraught? Do you think many men want to feel like a little boy? And have sex with “mom”?
Did you notice that I had my hair cut?
Men are so slow-witted: while you do not stick a finger, they may not notice a new lipstick, the shade of which you chose an hour with a hook. And even a new jacket can not notice. It is necessary to remind!
Problem: difference of perception.
“A woman subconsciously always seeks reasons for a compliment – to have a feedback: does it correspond to its standard of attractiveness,” Rimma Efimkina explains. But the male perception is integral, the female is in the details. So, if you “hit” the target and the man liked your appearance, he will compliment himself. By the way, do not wait for something in the spirit of “this skirt from the new collection well emphasizes the line of the hips”, rather it will be – “look good”. If there is no compliment, then he simply did not notice. And any requirement of feedback – strains.
Who called you? (as an option: “Where are you?”)
Even the most patient and loving wife from time to time suspiciously looked over his shoulder in a fit of curiosity. And it’s a sacred matter to write a SMS to a lagging man.
Problem:restriction of freedom.
And any restriction for a man is unbearable. First, it is perceived as a control of the mother, what is fraught with, said above. Secondly, the rigid formulation of the question irritates in itself: if a woman does not sit in a cave hungry and does not wait for food for herself and children from her husband-hunter, then why should he report about each step? You have nothing to do? Or is there no trust? Both questions require very different measures.
My head hurts, let’s go tomorrow?
A textbook option of refusing to have sex in the evening.
Refusal of sex in the form of an excuse is an obvious lie (it’s silly to deny it), and it irritates men even more than a hundredfold. “Do you love me?”. Sexual component in relation to a man to a woman always comes first (just as for a woman – the need for care and affection). A man is deprived of sex – in itself a crime (so say sexologists, but many know this from their own experience). And lying in this most important issue is a double insult. What prevents you from telling the truth?
I am fat?
There is not a single woman in the world who would not beg for herself a compliment at least once.
Here everything is clear: “To pay attention to men’s shortcomings, especially to do it persistently and often – means to imprint in his brain the knowledge that his woman is not good enough (which is unpleasant for any man),” says Alain Sagadeeva. “The normal reaction of a healthy organism is to protect your vision from negative influences.” In other words, assuring yourself of your shortcomings, a man, without realizing himself, is detached from you.
Do you communicate with your ex?
The reminder of his former and the realization that he has parted with her, increases your value in your own eyes.
Problem: disrespect for the past.
The mistake here is in the desire to compete with the former, in fact the best feeling for his past is respect. “The previous woman has an advantage in status, she was before, her status is higher. And the next, that is, you are higher in emotional status. Thus, for a man, both the past and the real woman are important “, – Rimma Efimkin exposed the cunning insubordination of the psyche of men. If you constantly start talking about his past, then you make him make an unequal choice, which causes irritation. Why add additional stress to the relationship? It’s already in our lives a lot.