01.03.2021

Mother in law says that we owe her

We with husband have been living separately from his mother, but every encounter with her ends in scandal. She is convinced that we need to nourish it, to pay bills, to fulfill every request, to agree in everything. It offends my son and me if we do not agree with it. She does not recognize personal boundaries, envious of our life, always repeating: “you’re well settled”. For helping never says thank you. Its consumer attitude is impossible to make. Is it possible to establish a relationship with such a person?

Maria, 30 years

Свекровь считает, что мы ей обязаны

No one can to manipulate us, if we do not agree. Mother-in-law, obviously, does not recognize any rights except their own, no private areas except their own. She does not recognize and your family. For her the war for influence, the struggle for the son – in fact, as a man, husband. She wishes them to wield, to influence psychologically to assign, it is first and foremost a woman, the only woman in his life.

And if this war continues for her, then your husband admits, maybe unconsciously, such an invasion. She nurtured in him a sense of guilt, for example, and he can’t handle it. No need to comfort her, do not help too much. Your husband and good attitude that you have, for example, pay for her content (or any services, medical care, food, etc.). It is pointless to educate the elderly person who hysterically demands and consumes. That it is possible to establish when all the enemies and you are the enemy? Don’t need to play her game. No need to wait “thank you.” To understand anything she does not want.

You can’t force someone to be psychologically healthy if he doesn’t want that. She wants the other. Let wants. With your hand (more precisely – on the part of the husband) it is important to set boundaries and assistance, preferably in the distance. If it is an older man and the mother of the husband, this does not mean that you have become a hostage to its aggression and envy. It is her personal problem. And for her to solve (or not solve). Not you and her husband.

So do not put yourself knowingly impossible task. Protect yourself and protect yourself from negativity and depression. If she needs psychological help, she can always consult a specialist (which she will not do, of course, since her choice is to reach out to you and your husband and shake more energy and strength to you symbolically left her, but for themselves and each other miss you). The kind of behavior parents need to themselves be able to protect.

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