Before expressing consent and happily breathing out a “yes” to the question of the employee of the registry office, it would not hurt to ask several questions to the groom herself.
Often, with the pleasure of putting on rose-colored glasses of love, future spouses miss important things that get out at the most inopportune moment. It turns out that the soul of a man who lives next to you for so many years is absolute darkness, and it’s not clear what happened to that nice nice man for whom you got married.
What is worth paying attention to, before you buy a wedding dress, and what questions should be asked the future wife, found out the correspondents SHE.
Marry not to attack
If you marry of your own free will, you are unlikely to experience anything other than euphoria and anticipation of a happy life. However, a huge percentage of divorces suggests that people who marry are still not sufficiently informed about family life. According to the family psychologist of the Novosibirsk city perinatal center Tatiana Skritskaya, the time that the couple meets before going to the registry office matters: the optimal period is two to three years, during which time you can finally understand whether you want to live with a person or not.
“At the end of a year or three, the novelty of relations is dulled, and the heat and feelings can change,” Tatyana explains. “It happens to everyone, but there are people more sensitive to their emotional state and the state of others – the more a person is emotionally sensitive, the more painful it will be for him to change. ”
Unpleasant discoveries are connected with overestimated expectations. Very often, women in love (and sometimes men) play telepaths, making a mysterious face and implying that the partner will guess what the other half wants.
“Excessive expectations are an expectation that there will be an understanding without words, it is common to all people. They think so: if he likes, he understands, feels and knows what I want. This is one of the biggest disappointments,
“says Marina Markutun, director of the psychological center” Markatun “.
Silence of the Lambs
After a bright period of courtship, with flowers and ardent confessions, everyday life begins with a discussion of everyday issues that do not cause either euphoria or emotional uplift. He does not close the blind in the bathroom, does not congratulate your mother on his birthday and generally does not behave like the prince you’ve been waiting for all your life. The fault is not global changes in the human psyche.
According to Marina Markutun, people either do not face similar problems before (who could have known then about the curtain? ), Or they are in firm confidence that they will not be touched: “For example, a man with someone is talking rudely, and a woman thinks that she will never talk to her like that. But if it is for him, then he will restrain himself only during courtship. ” Despite the fact that at the stage of falling in love there is only you and he, take a closer look,
However, unpleasant discoveries also occur in the candy-bouquet period. One of the biggest misconceptions is that the partner will surely change. Do not trust. He will be late for a date and drink beer on Fridays.
“The main illusion is that everything will settle down. People do not pronounce their claims and hope that the second side will guess. But this does not happen – another person may not know about your needs. ”
The reason for silence is in the euphoria of falling in love and in fear of conflict. “Here comes another illusion,” says Marina Markutun, “that the quarrel is bad. But conflicts are inevitable – this is a normal period of adaptation. During the quarrel, you say what is important to you. “
Thank you parents
Your perception of the family can be affected by different things. But there is one driving force, irresistible and natural, as a natural element – these are parents. Each favorably served fork and each dish broken in hearts with a small dotted line will settle in the child’s subconscious, from which then a curve or straight line of behavior of the future husband or wife will come out.
“Why do people become like parents? They have experience, how to behave in certain situations, – explains Marina Markutun. “And in a situation of stress or tension, they will think the stereotypes embedded in them, unconsciously repeating the parent scenario. ”The parental script works not only in books on psychology, but also in real life, so visit your parents’ parents and listen carefully to family stories, which are not sparingly talkative grandmother.
Husband and wife, one of Satan
What is better – when the spouses are similar in everything or complement each other with their differences? There is no unequivocal answer to this question, but according to psychologists, in families where the husband and wife are similar in matters of principle (age, level of education, parents’ families), there are fewer conflicts and contradictions. “If the leader and the slave couple, they get on well with the complement principle. The aggressor and the victim also fit together, but this does not mean that such a union will be fruitful, “- says Tatiana Skritskaya.
Important points
Questions that can become a stumbling block in the family are mass. Psychologists identified several of the most important points that need to be discussed before the joyous screams “Bitter! ”.
•Who washes the dishes? Household issues cause the most disputes. “In any pair there is such a tendency,” says Tatyana Skritskaya, “in the process of family life, a woman is increasingly beginning to deal with everyday issues. And if she at first takes care of the whole house, while enjoying it, then in the end it bothers, causes irritation and is a frequent cause of quarrels. ”
•How many children? You want a close family with three children, and he wants to live for himself, without pampers and sleepless nights. In addition to the very fact of having children, it is worth discussing their number. According to Tatyana Skritskaya, this problem is usually solved by the spouses, coming to some average number of children, minimally suited both: for example, if the wife wants three, and the husband of one – most likely will be one or two.
• Who makes a career? It is important to find out what the career value for each spouse matters, what time you are willing to devote to work and what your partner thinks about it. “Now there is misunderstanding. Previously, a man made a career, but now a man can be indignant that a woman does not want to make a career, but wants to work as a librarian. This should all be discussed, “advises Marina Markutun.
•What are we going to do? You want to take a walk in the shopping center, and he wants to go to the bath. Find out in advance what interests the man had before meeting you, and how you will agree if they do not match. “Misunderstanding occurs because earlier people did not face this situation at all,” explains Tatiana Skritskaya. “They spent all their free time before the wedding together, if possible. ”The following is inseparably connected with this point.
•Maybe to my mother? Relations with relatives and friends often cause conflict situations. According to Tatiana Skritskaya, men protest against the fact that they are forced to go only to where it is interesting to the wife, since the woman takes this matter under her control and seeks to choose where and when to visit.
•Maybe enough? Abuse of alcohol, drugs, game addiction. Is there such a problem and how will you solve it? “When we get married, we must understand that it is impossible to change the character, and you can change the bad habit only to the person himself – there is no magic power of love. The common mistake of a woman before marriage is that I’m so good, and he’ll be all right next to me, “Tatyana Skritskaya dispels the illusions, but finally encourages them.
According to her, American psychologists investigated this issue and came to the conclusion that those couples who had conflicts during the courtship and found out the relationship, but nevertheless decided to create a family as a result, are more likely to create a stronger pair than those who had everything is perfect, because they did not have the experience of conflict resolution.
