A Tumblr post called Shit My Wife Has Said To Our Cat is making the rounds online and you don’t need to own a cat to find it funny. Her creative insults leave us to only imagine what sort of debauchery her feline friend had caused, and her existential ramblings remind us that despite the trouble they cause, pets are truly the best listeners.
-You are the cause of all entropy.
-I don’t know how, but I’m going to blame you for all my problems.
-Life on this earth is brief.
-What do you think about the plight of the Jewish people, Miss Kitty?
-You have to ask yourself, Miss Kitty, would your rather be comforted by a lie or strengthened by the truth?
-You occupy a very small space in a very large world, but your conscience is ever the umbrella. You also have a cute kitty butt.
– (after the cat ate a ribbon and threw it up) You wanted to be beautiful on the inside, didn’t you?
-You understand that life is meaningless and we must take pleasure where we can. And for you that is on this blue blanket.
-I will fight you in hell upon a mound of bones, Miss Kitty.
-You are a single bead in the string of lives that I hold together.
-You can get used to a certain kind of poison, Miss Kitty
-Sometimes that little light escapes the darkness of your heart, and then you cage it again.
I… am SO PROUD to have a cat that would murder her children.
-(justifying it) Come on! She’d be a terrible mother!
– We can’t be equals until you get a job, you goddamn freeloader.
– You and your eight nipples are shit.
– You have just enough common sense to not piss on your tail, Miss Kitty.