“Here children run around and stop sleeping, there’s no time to think, there’s nothing to read here, here in this hotel called” Marriage. “From the window is often not the same view, and the restaurant is not allowed, the buffet is closed, and each carries a load of insults … “.
Listening to this song in the performance of the group “Zoo”, which lists numerous hardships and disgusting conditions for living together, the desire to get married temporarily weakens. Impressions coincide with the sad stories of “experienced” about the lost passion, bytovuhe, which kills all life, and sex, which is boring and becomes nosy. Where does the love after the wedding go and how to maintain a harmonious relationship, the correspondent of SE explained.
When young maidens fantasize and dream of marriage, no one represents an unshaven wife in training, a sobbing child and arguments about who will wash the dishes. And by the way, in vain. Glossy photos with happy faces, frozen in a kiss, you want to keep forever, but this happens rarely.
More often after a lavish celebration (in a week, a month or a year) with a white dress, flowers and pigeons, there come severe weekdays – with conflicts over trifles and everyday problems.
Books, movies, magazines teach us that quarreling is bad, that a good relationship is an ideal relationship where no one raises his voice and all help each other. However, in real life things are very different: people with established attitudes and outlook on life, based on their own experience and taken from their own family, marry. In addition, new experiences, life changes (the birth of a child, new work, etc.) make it possible to recognize a person from a new angle, and these discoveries are not always encouraging. It seems that some kind of magical transformation of the prince into a frog has happened. There is quite reasonable question “why the best man in the world has changed so much?”.
“People who get married often do not know each other well,” explains psychologist Elena Gutenberg. – Sometimes their union is based on sexual attraction, which is often not enough for everyday marital relations. Sexual attraction does not guarantee the compatibility of character or friendship. ”
In addition, at the beginning of the relationship, lovers turn a blind eye to minor shortcomings or hope that they will be able to change them. “There may be an illusion,” Elena continues, “that he will change with me or my love” will create a miracle. ” But the miracle does not happen, because the family is hard work, with inevitable disappointment, misunderstanding, pain, resentment. The fewer future spouses know each other, the more may be shocks and disappointments to each other from living together! ”
Reference:according to a survey conducted by SHE, 36% of our readers complain of lack of attention, and 20% quarrel with their beloved on household issues.
Most often it’s about this tell your friends and in large letters write on the forums. Before the wedding, your personal communication was denser, and the phone – longer, small surprises pleased the eye, the desires were guessed, and things were done by themselves. After the wedding it turned out that, apart from you, the beloved beloved has plenty of deeds and other interests. “If one of the spouses has a low self-esteem, he needs constant attention from the other,” explains Elena Gutenberg, “and a reminder that he is the best that does everything right, that is, confirmation of goodness by any means. If there is no such attention or less, it seems that they stopped loving him, they have a lover. ”
When a critical mass of claims and grievances accumulates, relations deteriorate, and urgent matters become even greater.
Another feature – we sometimes think that the beloved (since he’s a lover!) Must show miracles of telepathy. “The stumbling block of family relations may be the illusion that if he loves me, he must himself guess about my desires and wants. So there can be mutual disagreements and misunderstandings, which gradually turn life into a nightmare. ” There is a way out, the psychologist continues, to talk about one’s desires. Nobody knows better than the man himself what he wants and what is better for him. And if you yourself do not know what you want, then what to ask of an unhappy man?
The metaphor of the boat of love, which broke about life, sticks to the teeth like eastern sweets. However, as practice shows, lack of money and unwashed floors can destroy the most tender feelings. “Life does not kill love right away, but gradually – not at all encouraging Elena Gutenberg. – At first it looks like little things, for example, some dirty cups left in the sink, an unscrewed tube with toothpaste or pants “standing” in the middle of the room. Accumulating, these little things grow in a snowball, which leads to major scandals, strife. ” Therefore, if something really annoys you, you should not endure with clenched teeth, discuss all the details at once, but in a respectful tone.
Where is the romance?
Evenings under the moon gave way to the evenings at the stove, amorous SMS-ki – shopping list? “Indeed, romance, passion and just sexual desire are gradually giving way to everyday worries and fatigue.
Stress, overload affect and sexual relations. Perhaps you should reconsider your life, find out what exactly takes away your energy.
And then try to change your life accordingly! “- Elena Gutenberg recommends. Do not be shy or afraid that you will not understand. “The fear of unpredictable consequences keeps many from recognizing the partner in their unfulfilled desires,” the psychologist continues. “But if you do not talk about it, nothing will change.”
Up the stairs
Each marriage, psychologists say, goes through certain stages. Of course, not all couples synchronously and consistently go through these periods, crises and conflicts can be thrown back.
1. Candy-bouquets. This is a period of unrestrained sex and breakfast in bed. There is no place to find out who was where and why he did not call. Differences in character and habits seem insignificant or even funny: he is touched by your cleanliness, and you are amused by his touching love for computer games.
2. Who is here? You already hate computer games, and he does not want to clean up his things. And in general, where sex disappeared twice a day, with gentle looks up to and purring after? It is during this period that particularly impressionable individuals are terribly frightened that they made a mistake and are resolved to divorce.
3. Wake up and look around.If you survived the ups and downs of previous stages, reminiscent of roller coaster, the relationship goes to the next step. Finally, you understand that it is useless to fight, and try to influence the situation in other ways – by changing yourself or a partner. The last is to his great displeasure. If the partners want to keep the relationship, they will have to start from scratch – to hear other people’s needs, to put up with computer games and the desire to instantly fall asleep after intimacy.
4. Beware of the crisis!It was bound to happen sooner or later. The child does not obey, the mother-in-law considers herself fatally ill, and you are offered to quit. A rare luck, when all this happens simultaneously. It’s no wonder that you knock it out of the rut, and the carefully laid out bricks of the relationship crash down with a roar. Although troubles do not warn you of your arrival, your task is to prepare for them in advance. If by this time you will learn to appreciate and respect each other, overcoming the crisis will not kill you, but will make you stronger. Otherwise, you will have to solve your problems alone.
5. Quiet and smooth.You already experienced so much together that the relationship of density became similar to cement. By ten years of living together, one can understand their true value. Some goals set at the beginning of a life together are thrown aside, their place was taken by others. In the relations reign silence and peace. It is a pity that this is not for long.
6. The crisis number 2. And he is not the last. Perhaps, it will coincide with the crisis of middle age, when an aging man wants to confirm his sexuality with the help of feats on the side. And not only man is capable of such feats … Whether the family will survive or not depends on you. Heavy psychological work, full communication and lack of illusions – this is something that can help.
7. We are partners.Only the most persistent people get here. Your family already has its long history – with the sorrows and joys that you have experienced together. By this time you already appreciate those qualities in the partner that you do not possess, and with shortcomings stopped fighting and learned how to calmly accept them.
If you have not yet managed to cement the relationship by marriage, be more careful. After all, when from the window is not the kind of feeling of pain on the soul, the “hotel” in which you are going to spend the rest of your life can be completely irrelevant.