26.10.2020

Sex with an ex-lover is based on fear and secret hope that he will return

It takes a lot of effort and a certain amount of luck to part with a man without tears and suffering (yours or him). I want to step into the future, leaving behind an old relationship with his toothbrush and joint photos in the past. However, this is not always possible – a plume of resentment, understatement or an irresistible desire to start over again makes you come back again and again. How to build a relationship with a former lover to feel comfortable, the correspondent of SE explained. 

What happened, what will happen?
As well as meetings, partings take place under different circumstances and lead to various consequences. Someone bypasses the side streets, which once wandered together, someone in the hearts tears pictures, and someone continues to call up and “make friends at home.” Of course, a woman who was deceived and abandoned, is unlikely to want to hear the name of her abuser, not to mention the preservation of friendly relations. However, if you parted “amicably”, there is nothing surprising in that you can translate relations into a different direction.

How the relationship will develop after the separation, depends on various factors. “The main thing is the true purpose of the meeting of the two, how the understanding of the discrepancy between the desired and the actual occurred, how the two usually resolve the conflicts, and then, whether there are points of intersection of interests other than unfulfilled hopes,” says psychologist Alena Sagadeeva.

According to a foreign study, the feelings that accompany your thoughts about a former partner, and the epithets that you mentally reward, do not matter for your well-being. The most important thing is how much you are absorbed in thinking about the old days. Women, who were still attached to a former partner and thought only of good, suffered not much less than those who felt dislike towards the partner. The whole fault is the psychological dependence on the man and the unrealizable dreams of reunion. 

Those who do not think about the former lover suffer least of all and are at the same time attuned to him positively. 

However, according to researchers, women who consider the former a bastard, but do not cycle on him, do not lag far behind their positively-minded girlfriends for misfortune.

One step
He changed, cheated, left or left, leaving you with a broken heart and a mountain of memories. Any trifle is a tearful song with plain text or his gifts, which you will still stumble upon in an empty apartment, reminds him of a man who hurt you. Do not be frightened if anger is replaced by sadness. But is it worth pouring your righteous anger on the offender? “If there is a need to say something to a partner, it is worth starting to think about what exactly and, most importantly, why you want to say. What result are you waiting for and how much is this result likely, “- recommends Alena Sagadeeva. If after the “introspection session” you still want to tell him everything in person, you can talk, but you should carefully monitor your condition – not for what your offender says or does, but whether it becomes better for you. If it does not get better, stop talking. Perhaps someday you will return to him.

“You do not have to put all the eggs in one basket. This is usually forgotten, concentrating all their pleasures in one place and in one person,  says Alain Sagadeeva. – It is necessary to remember what pleasures are in life yet. At first it is not easy. But it is important to remember that the most subtle way of revenge is forgiveness. ” 

Let’s be friends
The creators of American films love idyllic pictures, where former lovers, laughing, remember the past and congratulate their already new families on Christmas. On the one hand, to maintain a friendly relationship with a man who has seen you naked hundreds of times is much easier than with someone who would like to see it. But is it possible to count on real friendship with someone with whom you shared a bed more recently?

“Former lovers can remain friends if they have no mutual claims and if there are other mutual interests in addition to unfulfilled hopes,

” said Alain Sagadeeva. “In this case, the level of trust is very high, and it becomes possible to communicate at a much deeper level.” If in the relationship there were problems in the form of deception, disregard, distrust, most likely they will remain an insurmountable obstacle to the continuation of relations, even platonic. In some cases, if there is a close connection between the partners, it is possible to realize the mistakes made together, but, as a rule, both need time to forgive offenses and restore emotional balance.

You should not try to maintain friendly relations at any cost (in this case, we are not talking about unions in which common children are present). In the transition to the category of “former” people have the opportunity to look at each other from the side – while you can find in each other unacceptable personality characteristics.

Return of the Prodigal

New love does not always arise on the horizon soon after the separation. In such cases, lonely evenings in front of the TV can end with dreary thoughts about the old times and a phone call to a former lover. According to statistics, about 62% of the women interviewed would like to resume their relationship with the former lover. It is not necessary to wash floors together and prepare breakfast together – tiring everyday rituals can be replaced by old kind sex, without obligations and plans for the future. The new and the unknown scare and frighten, but the familiar relaxes and soothes. 

“Sex with the ex is a way to hide from the world. On the one hand, this is the possibility of safe sexual relaxation with the secret hope that he will come to his senses, or without such hope, on the other hand, this is a very impractical waste of his forces,

– explains Alain Sagadeeva. According to her, lack of sex for 45 days gives a transforming effect – a woman has a chance to become much more attractive. But to check this in practice is usually hampered by fear and habit of behaving in a certain way.

The same fear makes you believe that you can start all over again and urgently need to return the man. Often this desire arises when there is a psychological dependence in the relationship. In this scenario, one of the partners periodically leaves the other to return to the portion of love and warmth. It is easier for a dependent person to return to a relationship that has become obsolete than to find new ones. “Usually the attempt to return the former is associated with a low self-esteem. Even if the former is a victim, he can return only if the woman regains a sense of her own worth, “said Alena Sagadeeva, adding that one of the indispensable qualities of a beloved man is the desire to be with you, not with anyone else. 

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