The love of women for chatter was in vain for a million anecdotes: all too often, we do not say what we need, not when we need to, or simply too much that we should keep with ourselves.
A critical situation becomes, if this is not what we say to our men. The list of the most harmful topics for discussion with men was made up by the correspondent of SHE together with psychologists.
“I hate your mother”
This includes any criticism of his parents, and, in the first place, criticism of his mother. As Elena Melnikova, coach-psychologist of the Verona Center, explained, negative statements about the family turn to our deep unconscious. When we are born, our mother is the first guarantor of our vitality. And suddenly someone appears who with his criticism wants to deprive you of this habitual deep security. Absolutely irrational mechanisms are involved here, but the security motive is so powerful that aggression is the only true answer for a man to your criticism.
If your irritation is strong, but the desire to keep your husband even stronger, you will have to learn diplomacy.
Instead of “your mother is climbing into our lives” it’s better to say: “I do not like it when your mother controls our finances. In our family, none of the elders do this to themselves. ”
So you put an equal sign between the traditions of his family and yours, do not undermine his respect for the foundations, but gently insist on his own.
“I spend half a salary on cosmetics”
In families, sincerity is appreciated, it is true. However, sincerity should not be confused with littering of the brain. The thing is this: men do not notice trifles, they are not allowed by nature. As Gestalt psychotherapist of the Center of Psychology of the Novosibirsk State University Rimma Efimkin recalled, according to the laws of social functioning, a man acts as a getter, and a woman is a mistress of the hearth. He thinks about the global, it’s about the little things. If you begin to incorporate into your head all the items of the current expenses of the family, including your appearance and the house where you live, his psyche, perhaps, will fail. Downloading and forcing a man to figure out how much it costs what he used to take for granted (and a clean house and grooming for him is a given), you can deprive him of resources and time for global strategic goals.
Innocent cunning about the true cost of all “trifles” is quite appropriate if your main goal is to maintain the atmosphere of the family. And, of course, you should not confuse it with outright lies.
“I had ten lovers” It
is hard to imagine more unnecessary information for a partner. These details are hardly important to anyone except you.
“A man theoretically knows that you had someone, but he does not want to know this at the unconscious level and wants to be the only alpha male, his stereotype is to be the first and only,” says Rimma Efimkina.
Women, on the whole, are not stupid and usually remember that “everyone who is not the first, we have the second”, but sometimes they even think of lovers. If a woman feels that she loses her partner’s habitual attention, she “pulls up” the unconscious resources of past admiration. Nothing good, really, she will not receive such a method, except aggression poured on her head.
“I used to go to restaurants …”
We can not stammer about lovers, but about the past partner, no, no, let’s remember, especially in a harmless context “we went for walks with him on weekends”. But saying “I miss my past actions” (conditionally), you tell a man “I’m bored with you”. As Rimma Yefimkina thinks, such attacks of nostalgia in translation mean “entertain me, I’m bored” (in contrast to memories of lovers, when a woman means “I am desirable – appreciate me”) and talk about the inability of a woman to structure her time, about its immaturity.
If you strongly want something that you did before and do not do now, the easiest way is to say directly: “I lack tenderness” or “I need to visit once a week”.
“Your friends are fucking manipulators”
Indeed, with them, he spent all his youth, why they again a whole day off? But criticism of his friends is the best way to inflate the conflict. First, it reminds Elena Melnikova, his friends most often come from childhood and adolescence, and they appeared long before you. Secondly, men have many topics that they can discuss only with their own kind. Finally, no matter how much we want to, the man is a conqueror and explorer of space, he has little family circle. His evolutionary tasks are different, and he is oriented outward.
Psychologists have counted: to spouses for normal interaction with interest there is enough 15 hours per week. It’s only 2 hours a day.
Constantly to be near to relatives it is necessary only to kids. Children grow up and learn how to build their own leisure, regardless of either mother or husband. If you are strongly annoyed by his friends, maybe you just have nothing to do in your spare time?
“A colleague is openly flirting with me”
Devoting her man to the details of the interest of other men, a woman has only one goal – to awaken jealousy at any cost and get feedback. What does a man experience in this situation? Of course, a sense of inferiority (after all, he is not flirting). “The reproach is indirect, but you need to react. But how? After all, it is unclear whether she likes this attention? What to do? Go to stuff his face? Or should she tell her to spin a tail less? “- Elena Melnikova describes the scheme of a man’s thought process in such a situation.
According to Rimma Efimkina, acting by manipulative methods, the only thing that a woman will receive is an indirect reaction. In the form of anger. Muzzle to beat the “offender”, he probably will not.
“Everything is boring, life has failed”
The man’s shoulder is strong and always near. Who, if not her husband, can complain about the problems with colleagues, the incompetence of the doctor, the constant headache and general weakness? However, psychologists warn: the propensity of his wife to “ponyt” – a difficult test for husbands, and not all endure it. This behavior of the woman echoes the child’s behavior: she wants care and attention and demands it more and more, the man plays the role of the father, but the relationship goes to nothing. And that’s why.
Love comes, reminds Rimma Efimkin, when the two are experiencing bright joint emotions under the slogan “life can be beautiful.” At an unconscious level, a person thinks: “At last I have found someone with whom I can experience joy all my life.” The less real living together is similar to that first experience, the more powerful the disappointment. And the tendency to whining is the main method of transforming the joy of marriage into a heavy burden of barge haulers.
Some men complain that the only thing that their beloved woman can not do is stop talking once more.