According to statistics, in Russia every second marriage ends. There are many reasons for the divorce, but there is one, which is not taken into account in the tables. Unprepared partners for family life, according to psychologists, is often found.
And in men more often than in women. Some psychologists even consider: unlike women, for the stronger sex, marriage always becomes a kind of coercion, and men are never ready for marriage to the end.
But if you do not go to extremes, you can understand how ready for marriage a man with whom you meet. What to look for in order to find out, the correspondent of SHE learned.
1. Age and distribution of roles
If you want a husband who could become a reliable rear and did not rest against your desire to become pregnant and give birth to a child, you need to find out “on the shore” (to retrain the husband after the stamp will not work). And you need to wait.
“A man can not be considered ready for marriage, if he does not have an idea about the future family and understanding why he marries, what is expected of the family, what kind of relationship he wants to build. Most often this idea develops later than women of the same age, “- psychologist of the Gloris center Natalia Gerasimova recalls that the development of men within the values of” children-home, the master-husband “usually lags behind.
Important:According to psychologists, a certain proprietary position (not to be confused with blind jealousy), when a man is interested in what you put on work and what impression you make with your appearance on others, he says: he began to identify himself with you, and he sees you as a potential spouse and the mother of his children. Just lovers usually care more about the depth of your neckline.
2. Common Plans
Lovers tend to fantasize about a happy future: it seems to be a distant and not tainted problem. The reality makes adjustments, and it’s important for the man to accept them and be ready to discuss them. Natalia Gerasimova emphasizes: it is especially important to discuss those plans that cause disagreement.
If your version of “desire” a man reveals his own and raptures about it, without even listening to your arguments, then this is an alarming sign.
Important: To distinguish the real plans from the fantasies of the male talker, the Krasnoyarsk psychotherapist Andrei Zberovsky recommends observing what the man does for the realization of desires. With ecstasy dreams, how it would be good to move away from parents, or save money for an apartment? Does he paint the vacation in the colors next year or have he actually found the right tickets and hotels?
3. Material security
Ambiguous paragraph. Financial mutual aid (in our realities it is still primarily a man’s help) is an important attribute of the seriousness of intentions. The killer is always in demand – it’s almost an archetype. On the other hand, today there are men who can give each mistress a flat, but they will not think of marrying any of them.
Important: Andrei Zberovsky noted that the ability of a man to financially support a woman today is not a criterion by itself, it is worth noting whether his “financial injections” are comparable to his own spending with his own expenses, and the cost of gifts to you is with his own things.
4. Sex without claims
Intimacy, suiting both – seems to be the most obvious criterion. After all, you still live together for a long time (and happily, as expected). Sexual relations, which bring pleasure to spouses, perform many functions in the family: joint recreation, relaxation, unity. However, in assessing the importance of sex as such, the main thing is not to overdo it.
Important:In principle, that the partners do not have bans to each other, and there was not one unrealized desire – psychologists accent. Simply put: by the time of marriage, you should not be aces in all possible aspects of sex. But if you have already asked for something, and the desire has not been fulfilled, this is not the best option.
5. The desire for paternity
The desire to have joint children, a willingness to participate in upbringing and be responsible for this is the most important (and in the opinion of some psychologists, the only one) criterion of the seriousness of a man’s intentions. Of course, those who do not want children also marry. But if a man has started talking about children, then there is no doubt.
Important:Well, if a man himself initiates conversations about children, and not languidly supports your thinking that “everyone around has already given birth.”
“Only if the man himself clearly and aloud asks the question:” When we start a child, “that is, the initiative comes from him, this is the criterion of readiness,” – says Andrei Zberovsky.
6. Acquaintance with parents
He brought you to his parents and introduced him as his girlfriend. This, of course, is not an indicator of readiness for marriage in itself, but can say a lot. “Getting acquainted with parents or friends, you can for yourself make certain conclusions, learn a person much better. The man, in turn, shows that he lets you into a more intimate part of his life, “- says Natalia Gerasimova.
Important: Make a discount on the current realities – today the acquaintance with the older generation for many is a much less formal occupation than 50 years ago. This really says a lot, only if you became the first girl he, despite the rich experience of the relationship, brought to show the parents.
7. Tolerance and ability to break out of conflicts
Ideal characters are not found often, and even if you come to each other as half of the worldview, goals and plans for the future, then the roughness of the character will have to be adjusted in any case.
“Tolerance to annoying personality traits, the desire for a person to be near was comfortable, willing to give in and sometimes even obey a partner,” Andrei Zberovsky explains. So in a marriage you will sometimes have to watch the movie that you like, and go where you want.
Important:If you quarrel (and without quarrels only book characters live from fairy tales), it is not the intensity of quarrels that is important, but the ability to forgive. In the opinion of psychologists, the problem is when the offended parties pout at each other for 2-3 days or more. This means that they are irritated in each other much more than they found out in a quarrel. And reticence is the main enemy of love, perhaps the most important and truly valuable motive for marriage.