29.10.2020

Scandal under the palm trees

Old grievances spoil family rest and can lead to a divorce

For a long time, Novosibirskians with such lust did not wait for the summer sun and summer holidays. Rare luck to the one who has the second to match the first. But the most important coincidences are yet to come – it is important that your idea of ​​a joint rest coincides with the vision of your beloved man. However, this does not guarantee holiday idyll – 24 hours a day alone, in one tent or hotel room, can turn the rest in a wonderful place next to a beautiful person in a nightmare. How to use the holiday with the benefit for the relationship and how the separate rest affects them, the correspondent of SE learned.

The controversy about what is better – rafting across the Katun or staying horizontally on the beach in Sochi – is useless and will lead to nothing. Anyway, everyone will stay with his own – he will cling to his tent, and you will press a brand-new swimsuit to your heart. It is unlikely that you will be comforted, but you are not alone. Every year, thousands of couples are tormented by the question of how to spend a vacation so that all family members are happy and happy (it is even desirable that the family budget is not ruthlessly plundered). Someone finds such a solution, but someone complains to a friend that earlier the husband was more sensitive and attentive, and such problems did not arise. There is an explanation for that. 

“In the beginning, when people meet, fall in love, they try to fit their interests in order to be together. After some time after the marriage, many people have a desire to relax from the other, says Evgeni Alexandrov, director of the center of psychological care “Amalthea”. And then, as a result of the conflict of interests, quarrels and scandals occur, accompanied by nervous smoking, slamming doors and shouting “You do not love me!”

According to psychologists, the reasons for the contradictions in relation to joint recreation indicate the discrepancy between the needs of the spouses: “On the one hand, this may be due to inaccurate choice of a partner, on the other – with the need and the desire to restore their personal strengths. Vacation – a time when you can and need to recover. And nothing should interfere with this “, – commented psychologist, the founder of the Institute of Counseling Alain Sagadeeva. Gathered with the forces, the partners re-enter the relationship, and not always the same relationship that was earlier – it is because of the fear of such changes that many couples are afraid to part with their vacation. 

It is spelled separately
And yet there are families in which the husband and wife kiss each other at parting, get on different train-planes and leave-fly away in different directions. What awaits them next? According to Alena Sagadeeva, it is necessary to have a rest from each other, because over time, the routine eats up relationships, and people cease to feel as keenly as they did at the beginning. In this case, switching attention to something else helps to refresh the relationship. “If everything suits the partner’s family, a separate holiday only strengthens mutual attraction, simultaneously revealing what other zones of relations can be enriched and diversified,” Alain Sagadeeva says. ” 

If the family is difficult to maintain, and the tensions are rising, a separate rest can lead to unpredictable results.”

However, it is quite difficult to independently diagnose your relationship – who knows what lies behind the dispute because of the unopened paste paste – bad disposition or deep misunderstanding and rejection of each other? 

Not all psychologists share the view that rest from each other in the family is necessary. “We must, of course, rest – well, an hour, a half, and then you’re already bored! – reflects Eugene Alexandrov.

A person on vacation is in a relaxed, calm state, this is a certain holiday. And here in this holiday there is no loved one. In such a situation, another loved one can easily start. “

The consequences of a separate rest depend on the viability of the family and the maturity of people – for a person immature, lack of attention on the part of a partner can lead not only to new acquaintances on the beach or to joint chants around the fire, but also to sexual relations and even more serious relationships. While a man who is able to manage his desires, aware of the actions, is unlikely to run after every skirt, to rest one hundred percent. 

Together cheerfully to walk
According to the research of psychologists, every third application for divorce in Germany and every second in Italy is submitted after the summer vacation (unfortunately, the Russians in this study did not participate). It would seem that the sun, air, water, the lack of a cautious chef and bored cleaning – pleasant holiday attributes suggest peaceful coexistence and dissolution in each other. But in the life of many couples, conflicts are added to the usual vacation list of attributes. Conflict can arise from scratch, there are lots of options – she wants to go shopping, he insists on an excursion, he needs two more hours to sleep, and she wants to eat and needs a shish kebab. “During the holiday, the habitual way of life changes, and the peculiarities of relations and behavior that are inconspicuous in everyday life are manifested,” explains Alain Sagadeeva. – An additional factor is the opportunity to correlate your family life with the unusual environment that surrounds the couple during the holidays. Imperfection becomes more visible. “

“People can not switch over, they are dragging old grievances on holiday,” adds Evgeni Aleksandrov. – As a result, there is an explosion of emotions over a trifling matter. After all, very often a person does not realize that he is annoyed. ” In addition, being in eternal haste at work and solving everyday affairs, the spouses spend very little time together and communicate with each other. Once in a small space, but with a lot of time, they just do not know what to talk about and how to interact with each other.

It’s time to shake up.
Based on personal concerns and the above warnings of experts, a quite reasonable question arises – how can we contrive so that rest improves not only our body, but also relationships with a beloved man? “Psychologists have a joke that a compromise is when both are equally disgusted. One should not try to draw another of his dreams into his own, but honestly find the best option for himself and communicate it to his partner so that there is no unnecessary tension. In this case, he has the opportunity to independently and voluntarily relate his wishes to the proposed option for consideration. And in case, if possible, he will propose a suitable solution to him, “says Alain Sagadeeva.

“A joint relationship rest or renews, or poisons. Periodically, the family should be shaken, – Evgeni Aleksandrov is sure, – as a pillow, so it was softer. A trip to a new place, new information, other people, a different language – this is shaking. “

It does not matter where you go – to Bali or to the Altai Mountains, the main thing is to choose a holiday that will allow each partner to get positive emotions. In addition, psychologists recommend taking care of bodily pleasure, whatever it is manifested. “Brightness, diversity and richness of pleasant joint states and experiences” burn out “negative memories from family history, – Alena Sagadeeva is sure. – And against the background of joint pleasures, even long-standing family problems can be resolved. For this, it is necessary to remember the purpose of joint recreation and strive to be not so much right, as happy “. 

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