03.12.2021

Romantic reconciliation is part of a vicious cycle of violence

When we hear about “domestic violence” or “family violence,” our imagination draws a picture of newspaper crime reports: in a crouching hut in the private sector, the cohabitant of an unemployed citizen, N., injured her after drinking alcohol together … The world is collapsing , when a successful lady, without a five minute candidate of science or a big boss, again and again explains that she received another black eye, “again falling down the stairs.” The correspondent of SE tried to understand why men resort to assault, and women do not leave the house in which they are beaten? 

Why does he hit me?
Behind the beatings there may be a low self-esteem that leads to the humiliation and depreciation of the partner, and the weakness that causes the offending not to be the one who inflicted them, but on the one who can not answer, and a certain value system (for example, family) … “Family violence is not directly related to the level of education and material well-being,” commented the psychotherapist of the Insight clinic Igor Lyakh. – You can talk about the communicative failure of the one who uses violence: he can not find other arguments. And we must not forget that such behavior can be a manifestation of mental ill health, as a result of which a cultural ban on violence is lost. This happens, for example, in the case of alcoholic personality degradation. ” 

Why do I endure it?
Anchors that hold a woman in a marriage, which from the outside seems to be humiliating and simply dangerous – material dependence (“there is nowhere to go”), the presence of children (“the child must have a father”), patriarchal notions of the family (“better than completely without a man “,” a man is the master in the house “) and in the end love. 

As the director of the Amalthea Center for Psychological Aid, Evgeni Aleksandrov, Ph.D., explains, family violence is a vicious circle of three phases. The first phase is the growth of aggression and irritation. The second is an outbreak of violence. In the third phase, the aggressor experiences a sense of guilt and tries to make up for his misdeed by word and deed. Beatings are followed by beautiful and passionate, like in the cinema, reconciliation with remorse, a million of scarlet roses and vows “Nevermore!”. 

It is the third phase – a small honeymoon (true, with a veiled facial cream bruised under the eye) – often keeps the woman on the hook, giving her the opportunity to console herself with the fact that “in fact, he is kind.” 

But the circle closes with the next phase – the irritation starts to accumulate again, communication takes place on high tones and aggression grows to splash out onto the wife. And even if she finds such a relationship “romantic”, do not forget that the impact of a “hot guy” blinded by rage or simply not calculated his strength can leave consequences for the rest of his life or even be the last. All the same criminal statistics confirm this possibility. 

Even stronger on the hook is a woman with a child. Firstly, it has a stronger material dependence, and secondly, “some kind of, but still a dad.” Although it is not worth counting on the fact that the child will forget what he has seen and heard during family fights. 

“Children who grew up in families where they resorted to violence acquire either a model of a passive victim who considers such treatment quite acceptable, or the opposite model” the best defense is an attack, “commented Mr. Alexandrov. “And then they themselves in marriage will take the position of the aggressor.”

“We were approached by a retired woman who realized how abnormal her marriage was, only after her two daughters grew up. One of them categorically refuses to marry, the second one repeats the fate of the mother and is also subjected to violence in her own family, “says Nadezhda Latrygina, president of the NGO Women’s Initiative Creative Association, which, among other projects, helps women who suffer from beatings family. 

What to do? 
Today at the girls’ party it is hardly possible to hear the pathetic “beats – it means they love.” It was replaced by another female wisdom: if you were deliberately hit once, it means that they will continue to beat, most likely, stronger and stronger. Psychologists confirm this thesis with some reservations.

“To hit your beloved woman, a person must go over some side,” says Evgeni Alexandrov. “And by itself this problem will not go anywhere.”

“There are no universal councils,” says psychotherapist and psychoanalyst of the Insight clinic Igor Lyakh. – It happens that violence continues and worsens, and it happens that after one breakdown, partners manage to learn to avoid such situations. In any case, if such a breakdown has occurred, it does not matter in what situation – this is the reason for consulting a specialist on marital problems. ” 

However, joint consultations with a psychologist are possible only when the possibility of dialogue remains, and the aggressor – at least in the moments of “enlightenment” – remembers that it is impossible to beat girls at all. If the situation has gone further, it’s time to think about your own safety.

“The woman exacerbates the threat by hiding the facts of violence,” comments Nadezhda Latrygina. – And it is necessary, on the contrary, to warn friends, relatives, possibly even neighbors, about what is happening. If such situations are repeated, you can warn the precinct militiaman, write a statement in advance. And be ready in case of danger to leave the house immediately – to carry documents in your purse, and the most necessary things are ready. ” 

The main reason why a woman hides the fact of beatings is shame. A woman more patriarchal warehouse is ashamed for the fact that she “did not please herself and is to blame”, a woman more progressive is embarrassed to admit that she has plunged into “primitive” relations. In fact, it is a shame not to be a woman at all. Anyone can make a mistake in the person (although if the “mistake” is repeated regularly, and the surrounding people are interested in “Where do you find them?”, It is worthwhile to think about increasing your own self-esteem). A textbook example for all humiliated and insulted women was Tina Turner, who risked a musical career, leaving the beating her husband, the producer. So what? Hayk Turner today remember only advanced music lovers, and Tina know everything ..

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