Bachelorette with secrets
Strictly speaking, it can not be said that men on average spend less time talking than women. But the very essence of female and male conversations is different. “The peculiarities of the female psyche are that women are more emotional, more focused on the process itself, so most of the conversations of girlfriends do not involve any real help in resolving specific difficulties. Men, on the contrary, begin to offer a concrete solution to the situation. And, strange as it may seem, such a utilitarian approach of a man can offend and annoy a woman, “psychologist Tatyana Skritskaya explains why women like to wear” about nothing “, and men do not share this passion.
However, what seems to men an empty chatter, in fact – not useless.
The psychologist of the Gloris center Natalia Gerasimova explains that, recognizing herself in a strange story, a woman finds answers to her own questions. And since ladies’ gatherings, even with a problematic agenda, do not look like a serious conversation with a psychoanalyst, one can suddenly look at their experiences with humor.
However, even in the closest communication, there are borders that should not be crossed. It is better not to introduce a girlfriend into temptation and not risk friendship by sharing information that – unintentionally and without malicious intent, spreading farther – can harm you, your family members, ruin the relationship at work or turn into a malignant gossip.
All ladies do it
If you ask a man what busy the conspiratorial girls who are bent to each other at a nearby table in a cafe, he will most likely define it in one word: “Gossip!”. That is – they discuss not their own problems, but the problems of those absent from the table – sometimes barely familiar.
“A complicated mechanism is gossiped. They, appearing in communication, help people achieve “we-feeling” – some kind of community against someone. It happens that gossip arises and as a way to get away from talking about yourself, “- says Natalia Gerasimova.
In other words, gossiping, many simply have fun or are protected from intrusion into their own lives. Specialist-psychotherapist of the Insight clinic Konstantin Duplishev believes that the very phenomenon of gossip (as some evaluation, and a negative plan) is typical of people who are not satisfied with their personal lives: having information about others, they rise in their eyes and feel their own importance. “It is often a way to feel” cleaner “,” better “,” happier “, discussing unpleasant people or those who have certain difficulties in life,” explains Natalia Gerasimova.
The mechanism of the appearance of gossip and their ability to bloat beyond recognition brought a scientific degree to not one communications specialist. However, you can not read scientific works, but just remember the stories from life, books and movies to understand that gossip can be dangerous. Sometimes we can make the world better – or at least not exacerbate other people’s problems – just by keeping silent. Agree, this is also a good way to increase self-esteem.
In the final of our confession in the kitchen, the question usually sounds: “And what should I do now?”. Psychologists call it one of the most harmful. After all, you can completely trust only the closest people – a priori biased. The closer you are a person, the more emotionally he is involved in the situation, which means that he is capable of a sober view from the side no more than you yourself.
“It is worth to trust the advice of girlfriends, in behavior and lifestyle which you are comfortable with,” – said Tatiana Skritskaya.
In other words: if you know for sure that a girlfriend follows the advice she gives, and the result is positive, then her offer can be adopted. And if you hear lengthy recommendations from books and magazines, be sure that you will live well without them.
If you are in the opposite situation, when a friend asks for advice, the maximum that you can do is to support and listen. “Do not give advice on important issues relating to relationships with the opposite sex, parents, relationships at work. In such cases, it is much safer for the relations to sympathize and express the hope that she herself is able to choose the right decision for herself, “- warns Tatiana Skritskaya.
The fact is that if a girlfriend insistently demands advice, most likely she is not ready to take responsibility for her further actions and in case of a failure will shift the blame on you.
The best version of advice that friends can exchange is advice-information: for example, contacts of a good gynecologist, a hairdresser, seamstresses.
What can you do if you are alone in a situation where there is no one to share, or are you not sure that conversations can somehow help? The council of psychologists is strict, but it is fair: if the girlfriend is not there, and professional help is not available, it will be necessary to deal with a difficult situation. No wonder there is a saying “the morning is wiser than evening.” If there is such an opportunity, you need to take a time-out, consider all the consequences and prospects for solving the problem. In a word, to consult with yourself – the most experienced and best adviser that only you can have.