27.10.2020

Return of the Prodigal Parrot

Attempts to renew relations with the former boyfriend are almost doomed

Sometimes already completed relationships are perceived by us as a severed leg: it is no longer there, and phantom pains continue to bother. Fiction and cinema, TV series and Cosmopolitan are teeming with stories about how they broke up, but remembered each other for years, and then met again – and healed for a long time and happily.Nutrition for prolonging suffering is not sickly. Yes, and the former guys, even if they are far away, in our age of speed and technology continue to loom in the list of friends “VKontakte”, vague hope of taking wounds. And then one fine (or terrible) moment they come back. Whether it is worth renewing past relationships and what his return can in general mean years later – SHE understands together with specialists. 

Why are they coming back?
Accidental night SMS or a meeting on the street followed by a heart-wrenching conversation on the topic “Why did it happen so?” And you are already calling your girl-friends: “At last he understood everything, compared me to others and realized that I’m no better!” . However, do not entertain yourself with illusion. “Most likely, he just temporarily remained alone and does not want to spend energy on the conquest of a new object – it’s easier to use the” old love “while it’s still used up, – Elena Kuzmina, director of the Center for Modern Psychotechnologies” Success Formula “, is chilling enthusiastic fervor.

The habit can easily explain too much in our lives. Famous American family psychotherapist Virginia Satyr holds the phrase: “There is an instinct that is stronger than the instinct of self-preservation: people want to do what they are used to doing.” “No matter how long a couple lives together, they are used to doing something together – and often come back just because they are used to it. The strongest attraction that a person can have is to do what he already knows, “explains Alexander Pesterev, a business trainer and consultant in male-female relations. 

Sometimes a partner comes back not because he is sure that you are the same, but because he just wants to make sure that you do not suit him.

“He wants to come back to understand that this is definitely not his person,” says Nina Aizman, director of the Center for Practical Psychology at the National Pedagogical University. If, after the resumption of the relationship, the disgusting disassembly and routine begin again, the “returnee” will leave this time with a calm heart, finding inner balance, putting in place a comma instead of a point, ready to begin a new life. “A person is being pulled by former relationships: like a stone that is already lying on the bottom, and circles are still diverge,” psychologist Nina Aizman notes that this happens if the reasons for the break were not clearly stated during the break-up. 

Why are we ready to accept them?
First, of course, because of the same habit. After all, sometimes we remember with melancholy even those moments that did not initially seem so pleasant to us, and over the years acquired a romantic fleur. Secondly, if we are talking about the suddenly announced first sexual partner, then for a long time it is no longer a secret for women to be attached to the first man, especially if the experience was positive. It happens that a girl with enthusiasm is ready to return to the guy she met in her youth, even if it did not come to sex. Curiosity takes its toll, at a more mature age, women sometimes subconsciously want to check: and what is he – the one with whom you just walked by the hand and kissed at the entrance?

If it concerns the first love that looms on the horizon for a rather adult woman, then the cause of enthusiasm is often not the strong, sleeping all these years and waiting for their time feelings, and banal longing for their own youth. 

“She thinks that her feelings will return from him young years. But this is self-deception, people change, fifteen years do not go in vain, “- says Nina Aizman. 

Is there a second chance? 
They say that you can enter the same water twice, you will not stick a broken cup … They say – and they continue to hope. And what in the end? “In reality, 99% of the cases of renewed relationships are a disappointment and wasted time and nerves. If you have not approached each other last time, what has changed now? Usually, people do not change very much by themselves, “says Elena Kuzmina.

Successful relationships from the second attempt are rare cases, which form the basis of screenplays and stories in women’s magazines.

“It often happens that a girl of about thirty meets her first love, and feelings break out, but they quickly come to naught, because she realizes that the person is no longer the same, and those feelings are no longer there,” draws conclusions from her many years of practice, Nina Aizman .

If you have on the threshold suddenly appeared in the fog of temptations and doubt old love, you need to analyze the situation sensibly. First of all, answer yourself to the main questions. Because of what you broke up? What qualities did you like about him before and continue to be valuable now? What qualities in principle should be your “ideal man” and do most of them have this man? What are the qualities that were unacceptable or strongly hampered in the past – and has something changed now?

Work on errors
If you still came to the conclusion that you can try to glue a broken cup, you need to understand that by itself everything is not formed. It is important to talk about what caused the gap. Alexander Pesterev advises using for this purpose a scheme of “I-sayings” known in psychology, with its help one can express one’s desires without offending the second side and expressing reproaches directly: 
• the description of the fact is not “you looked at me angrily,” but “I I noticed a facial expression on your face “; 
• a description of your emotions – not “you insulted me and upset me,” but “I feel offended, I was upset”; 
• Describe your desires– not “you have to stop doing something”, but “I would like, I would be pleased if you …”. 

This is one of the win-win ways of conflict-free communication. In general, of course, sooner or later it’s time to listen to the sages who whisper to us through the ages: “All human attachments cause incomparably more grief than bring joy” (Arthur Schopenhauer). So just enjoy real relationships and emotions, those that you have now, and not what was left only in the past and in dreams. 

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