Who does not dream of idyllic relationships, where they love one and the same, read the same thing and strive for the same thing? Perhaps, somewhere there are lucky ones who live like that, but they are obviously hiding in their holes and are not shown in public. Those who are accessible to the eye, from time to time conflicts, revealing different needs and values. But in this there is nothing strange: due to different life experiences, upbringing, temperament, we differ from each other. And as soon as our desires or needs do not coincide, there is a conflict.
According to the psychologist Alena Sagadeeva, it is not the presence of a quarrel that is important, but whether the partners know what wishes they are really upholding. “It’s normal to designate your borders, voice your desires, and act to satisfy your desires. Problems begin when people do not know what they want. Behind care and attention are often hidden fear and desire to control, for request to go to the store – the desire of the authorities, and for failure – the fear of losing freedom, “says Sagadeeva.
According to a survey conducted at SHE, most often quarrels due to lack of attention (35%), second place – household issues (20%) and closes the top three leaders jealousy (13%).
In search of power
The struggle for power is one of the most common causes of family conflicts, but it’s not easy to admit it. Meanwhile, disputes about the amount of attention, about who needs to be cleaned, how to bring up children and whether it is possible to have friends of the opposite sex, are most often connected precisely with the struggle for power in the family. And the struggle, according to psychologists, begins when there is not enough love and the desire to accept another person. Different values and aspirations also often cause family quarrels. They can be expressed both in serious decisions (disparity in desires to have children, different ideas about the role of women and men in the family), and in less global ones (different preferences in types of recreation and leisure).
“Most often people do not even think about why they should live together,” Alain Sagadeeva notes. – Their goals can vary greatly. This may be a desire for power or compliance with social norms. Few people deeply peer into themselves. And often people decide to be together for fear of loneliness. ”
Complex situations or abrupt changes in life can be an additional reason for quarrels. For example, the birth of a child, an unfamiliar situation when moving to another city or another country, forced separation for long business trips.
Mistake 1. Avoidance of conflict
Some couples do not argue. At all. The fear of conflict is so great that they try to prevent any confrontation. For outsiders, these are happy people, but differences are ignored and not discussed only when there is no mechanism for settling differences. And although outwardly nothing foretells troubles, such “quiet happiness” can lead to a sudden break in relations.
Error 2. Personal insults
Often, when discussing a specific situation, there is a great temptation to go beyond it and recall past negative aspects. Then give a capacious offensive characteristic.
Mistake 3. The “winner-loser” model
In a critical situation, under the influence of emotions, a close person turns into an opponent who wants to win in any way. However, the pair will win only when there are no losers.
Any quarrel can harm the relationship, as well as benefit. Whether the conflict is the beginning of a war or a step toward solving a problem depends on the behavior during the quarrel.
2. Calm, just calm.If a person has a pain in the leg, and has been attacked by it, it reacts. Someone is adequate to the situation, someone is too stormy. If you see that the partner is wound up, if he yells at you, do not try to convince him not to do it – it’s too late. Silence can also become an annoying factor. Instead, fill in the pauses, asking leading questions and rephrasing the received requirements, explanations and comments. Do it in the correct form: “if I understood correctly …”, “you wanted to say that …”. Soon the partner will “let out steam” and will understand, that it have heard.
3. Discuss one problem.The fact that her husband forgot about your anniversary is in no way connected with the fact that a week ago he stayed at work and did not warn. Be kind, solve the problems as they come. Gathering together all past grievances, it may seem that there is no way out, and your life is one continuous nightmare.
4. Save the face. And not only his own. Do not strive to prove yourself right. Look for a mechanism of behavior that will allow both to move on, and not leave someone humiliated and offended. The criterion of the constructiveness of the conflict – in the sensations after it, says psychologist Alain Sagadeev: “If both are satisfied and feel more trust in each other, it means they have not in vain strained.”
Do not be discouraged if your conflicts are too violent: the main thing is not the intensity, but the frequency. Although some experts recommend restraint during a family quarrel, scientists at the University of Michigan found that the rash clarification of relationships relieve tension and improve health, while the desire to restrain their emotions shortens life. So quarrel and make good on your health!