Officers share the most effed up sh*t to happen in their squad cars

“My buddy works a different section than me. Anyways, he books a guy for Public Intox, homeless dude acting a fool. While driving to the magistrates, he sees the dude hunched over crying from the backseat camera. He asked him whats wrong and the guy says he doesn’t feel well and he needs EMS.

My buddy stops and opens the back seat and blood in running down his leg. My buddy, thinking this dude has a laceration or something starts to get out his tourniquet for his leg. Unbuckles him, and tries to get his pants off only to see that its no cut and blood is discharging from his dick. My buddy is in shock and calls for EMS immediately.

Turns out the dude had a really bad case of chlamydia.”

“My brother is a cop. Had a female stash her iPhone in her vagina so they couldn’t go through her call records (I forget why) while in his car. She was on ice. Took a female officer an hour to retrieve it. Suspect sneezed and it went skidding across the floor. Was bagged for evidence.”

“Sheriff Deputy here. I arrested a one arm prostitute and forgot to take her phone away so while on our way to jail she called 911 to say she was being kidnapped. Dispatch told the entire county what’s up (while laughing) and that was embarrassing to explain to everyone after I got back.”

“I have a patient who is a cop. Apparently there’s a lot of pooping happening in the back of police cars.”

“I used to take old squad cars apart and reinstall the equipment in new cars. The best part was taking out the back seat. I’ve found $143 in cash over the years and a shitload of weed and pills.”

Editor’s Note: Long, but worth it

“On this particular day I had been called to a cute black and white Pitbull male adult by the name of Viking running rampant in our town. I locate him and he was just so happy see me, wagging his tale and licking like there was no tomorrow. He had dog tags with an address and number, so he hopped in the back of my car as mah new k-9 pal and we where off to reunite him with his family.

Just as we pull off we get an all hands on deck call of a drunk female battering a shop clerk and trashing his store because he won’t sell her alcohol. So with Viking riding In the back, I hit the ole cherries and berries and we take off to assist my partner who had already been close to the call.

As I arrived my partner had already taken her out of the store and put her in handcuffs… Sometime during the altercation little pints of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream had been thrown as our drunken lady offender was covered in what I thought to be “chubby hubby”. It was up to me to transport the arrestee…”

“… Having no other option and Viking being the friendliest good boi there was, I buckled our drunken lady in right next to Viking. She seemed happy with Viking and of course Viking was all about making a new friend. All was right in the world. I turn my camera on as I do with all my transports, and let her know she’s being recorded.

As I’m driving back to the station (about a 10 minute ride) it starts to get weird. As all good dogs like ice cream, Viking was no different. He began to lick the ice cream off of my arrestee. No big deal, I look back in the mirror to see Viking cleaning up our offender and she seems to not mind. In fact she seemed to really enjoy it.

Then she starts really enjoying it. She starts breathing heavy and moaning. I look back in the mirror to see Viking licking the inside of my arrestees mouth with my arrestee straight French kissing my pitty. Like really into it.

Nope! I pull the car over and let Viking out to ride shotgun.”

“We used to live in a town with an imposed curfew for teenagers and my husband saw two teens hanging out after curfew. He offered to give them a ride home because he didn’t want them to get in trouble by anothrt officer or neighborhood watch for walking back home after curfew. The kids got in the car but one of them was so nervous that he pissed his pants. He apologized purfusely but felt better when my husband told him that grown men piss and shit in the back of police cars all the time. My husband still feels bad about that one though.”

“A guy on hallucinogenic drugs had taken a whole lot of viagra thinking it was Pez. (His exact words when asked what he’d taken were “I thought it was fuckin’ candy, that shit that comes – you know, out of the little animal heads!”) Cuffed him and had him in the back of the car, which he thought was a limo, and he was trying to get his arms either under or over his body so he could jerk off. He was high enough that I was kinda worried he’d succeed and fracture/dislocate something in the process, but we already had him strapped in as much as we could and decided to book it back to the station.

Anyway he didn’t succeed in getting his arms over his head and ended up rubbing off against the seat. It’s funny now but it wasn’t at 2am when I wanted to be watching Netflix.”

“My theater teacher in high school told me a story once about how the woman he, I think was questioning and not in hand cuffs, pulled out her tampon and sucked the blood out (suck might not be the right word) and then spit it all over the car.”

“Best friends a cop. Actual text I received:

“Dude. We just arrested some guy with no legs in a wheelchair. We got him in the back of the squad car. While we did he proceeded to piss himself. Not sure how he manged this, but he got his pants down and shot diarrhea shit all over the back of our car. I fucking hate people.””

“Took a really drunk guy to the hospital after spending some time in our holding cells. Dude, spit a giant puddle of loogies on my plastic seat. I asked him to clean it up, intending him to wipe it up with his sweat pants. Instead he bent down and zamboni’d (sucked up the spit) with his mouth. On the scale of gross things i’ve seen this is pretty minor.”

“Schizophrenic having a personality crisis admitting another personality killed his mom.

Yeah…that shit will mess with you.”

“In the UK we use caged vans to transport prisoners. Lots of dirty protests, including one who was carefully rubbing shit into the hinges. One woman who pulled a set of false teeth out of her vag. Huge dude who rocked the van from side to side lifting the wheels off the road each time. Recently a guy waving his dick at me (I commented “it’s very small…”)”

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