I want to be like a stone wall – often say girls who are planning or are still dreaming of getting married. However, having bound themselves by marriage, some find themselves so much for their husbands that they are lost and do not understand how they got into such a ridiculous situation. Full control over the wife’s life, restriction in communication, activities and even in clothing – the main signs of the established dictatorial regime in the family. Why do men plague their wives with scandals and bans and how to behave with their husband-dictator, the correspondent of SE explained.
So that’s what you are
In our time, when psychologists talk about the total weakening of men, a strong, confident man who knows what he is doing and is able to solve problems is valued twice. The presence of leadership qualities makes such a man an object of mass demand, but at times frightens women who do not want to have a boss’s home. However, a seemingly quiet and calm person who does not have leadership qualities can start out as a commander, who only occasionally has outbursts of anger on an insignificant occasion. “This can manifest itself in the fact that the wife is limited in contact with others, she gradually reduces the number of friends, acquaintances. This kind of tyranny is quite common, “- says psychologist of the Novosibirsk Perinatal Center, Ph.D. Tatiana Skritskaya.
As for the line between the leader and the despot, which at first sight seems thin, the difference here is very clear. “A good leader is always a good leader,” says psychologist Nikita Lozin, director of the Harmony Center. “In some ways he obeys, it gives him the opportunity, first, to rest, and secondly, to receive dividends from it, because in all areas a person can not be the first.” The strength of character does not at all point to a man’s predisposition to despotism – a weak character can also be a tyrant.
The Reasons for Tyranny
To a greater extent, despotism is associated with upbringing, and less with the conditions of human life. Despot wants more than he has at the moment, but at the same time he was not taught in his childhood how to manage himself. Unable to satisfy his needs by elevating himself, he belittles his family.
“If he can not be higher or equal to another person, but has this need, he simply cuts a man’s head. Either physically – to beat, so that it fell and became lower, or emotionally – to make a person afraid, feel guilty.
In the family, it’s easiest to do, “- says Nikita Lozin. Most often, the despot finds clues – the features of behavior, the nature, which begins to crush. The resulting fear and guilt allow him to manipulate the victim and achieve his goal.
The conditions of life can only indirectly affect the character of man and his ways of solving problems. For example, if in the past a beloved woman has changed a man and parting with her was very painful, in new relationships he will do everything possible so that the negative experience does not happen again, and will suspect deception in innocent behavior.
Recognize and neutralize
Few people want to become the wife of a man with such a serious character. But can it be recognized at the very beginning of a relationship? Usually, if a person wants to please, he hides the negative traits of his character, realizing that they are unlikely to cause a storm of joy in a potential bride. But as soon as the despotic man feels that the partner has already been conquered, he will behave much more freely. According to Tatyana Skritskaya, the forecast for long-term family relationships can be the way young people spend their time in the period of acquaintance: “First of all, should alert when a man is too interested in a relationship with a woman and hurries – to sexual relations, to life together, to marriage, the birth of a child.
If a man is impatient in the period of courtship and in every way wants to limit the girl from communicating with friends, colleagues at work, this is an alarming sign. ”
An important indicator is also the way to solve problems, conflicts that can (and this is normal) occur at the beginning of a relationship. If a man, trying to satisfy his needs, begins to manipulate a partner even before they begin to live together, do not be surprised by the more vivid manifestations of pressure after the wedding and the birth of the child.
The role of the victim
Hurrying to blame for all the sins of a tyrant man, you can overlook the female contribution. The tyrant in ancient Greece called a man who forcibly seized power. Unlike the ancient Greeks, modern women have freedom of choice. With the exception of the clinical cases when the wife is locked at home and deprived of money in the truest sense of the word, she can always leave. But somehow she does not. “There is such a psychological term – a victim. It attracts despots, aggressors. Sometimes even couples are created on this basis – they satisfy each other’s needs, “says Nikita Lozin. The reasons why a woman does not part with her aggressor is mass. But the main thing is her inner need to be a victim.
Often, a woman unknowingly copies the family scenario of her mother. Relations between parents greatly influence how family life develops among children. “People live by the patterns of behavior that are recorded in them in childhood. Children’s impressions and become our character, our card, according to which we build our lives, “- says Nikita Lozin.
Breaking free There
must be a couple of examples of families where the wife is under constant pressure, but can not leave, calling various reasons: the absence of people who can support and help the first time, fear of loneliness, the lack of examples of other relationships.
“It’s quite difficult to break out of this,” says Nikita Lozin. “A woman will still find the type of men she is used to.” Others will be shy, because she does not know how to behave with them.
It takes a painstaking work of a specialist to build a new model of behavior. ” Relationships are not formed in a single day, so a sudden desire to influence the aggressor husband through conversations or resentments is unlikely to lead to the desired result. “It is important to have clear ideas for yourself – to what extent you will tolerate the negative qualities of a tyrant,” Tatiana Skritskaya recommends. “If he hits you, will you tolerate it?” How should he behave in order to have an unequivocal break? “. If the framework and norms are constantly moving, the risk of being in an even more difficult situation is great.
Fear of the future torments not only those who break up relations with a man-dictator. The risk is again to step on the same rake. However, having understood yourself, changing your behavior, you can find a completely different relationship, built on respect and love.