The sexual revolution in Russia is in full swing – such a conclusion can be made if one day to look at the heated debate among women about oral sex: some are fiercely defending their right to not engage in them, the latter believe that without him the sexual life is not a full-fledged right.
The SHE journalist wrote several popular opinions about this type of entertainment and asked psychologists what the various settings say.
Six of the most common stereotypes about oral sex
Installation 1: “Oral sex humiliates a woman. It’s dirty “
The most frequent myth, from which, by the way, most of the representatives of the fair sex are disowned under the slogan “Come on, that you”. The thing is that the installation is unconscious. As the Krasnoyarsk sexologist Andrei Zberovsky told, this attitude to oral sex is a typical sign of the post-Soviet space: abroad, the opinion that such a sex humiliates a woman, originated with feminists and left after the sexual revolution.
In the Soviet Union, the soil for “oral” morality was stronger – for several generations the shortage of men gave rise to a persistent female myth: all men are potentially dangerous, their desires are cunning, to yield to them is to show weakness.
And oral sex in fact – it’s sex domination (in other words – someone gets pleasure more). The bottom line: good girls-honors pupils from a good family consider that it is impossible to yield to a man.
Tip: positive news – there is an indirect sign that girls who in principle love to kiss, in fact can become great lovers, kissing her husband below the waist. If the head is full of emotions, disgust or mother’s lessons (not about sex, but about men in general) and fears, they need to be overcome with a specialist.
Installation 2: “Without oral sex, the husband will necessarily go left”
“In modern culture there is a cult of oral sex, on the one hand, it is a powerful source of diversity, on the other hand – propaganda, this conviction is largely based on pornography,” the sexologist of the Insight clinic Igor Lyakh points out the duality of such a belief. But many men and without pornography believe that the pleasure of this kind from a beloved woman is the highest manifestation of trust and intimacy. Here they are just going to look for this trust and closeness on the side, if the wife stubbornly refuses.
Tip:You will have to separate the grain from the chaff. By talking. “The biggest problem of intimate relationships with us is that everyone is embarrassed. It comes to the paradox: both husband and wife change each other, getting the same kinds of sex on the side simply because they did not know about each other’s desires! “- exclaims Andrei Zberovsky. So you’ll have to learn to talk: maybe you’ll get your husband’s hidden information about his hidden desires and will implement them together.
Installation 3: “We have great sex and without oral sex, why change something?”
Here you can not argue: young couples who have sex three times a day are unlikely to suffer from the “monotony of classical penetration” – they are fine and so. The problem appears later: “Partners notice that the intensity of their sexual life decreases, adaptation takes place – and the majority comes to oral sex during this period, when there are signs of stagnation,” Igor Lyakh explains.
Tip: while you are good and “ordinary”, it’s silly to suffer from the fact that there is something in your sex. But if you have all the signs of getting used to it, and you are still accustomed to go to bed lazily while waiting for the passionate rage of a man, remember: you can lose it completely. This setting is often simply called “laziness.”
Installation 4: “I do not know how, I get tired, it’s hard and uncomfortable for me”
Physical development is different for everyone, and technology in oral sex is still required. Girls can really get tired, uncomfortably twisting their necks in a fit of passion, someone starts to suffocate (by the way, therefore, it is not advised to practice fellatio with a runny nose, it is really dangerous), and there is the concept of a vomitive reflex: physiology, what to take from it.
Tip:“Even ordinary sex requires the acquisition of skills, girls and the first orgasm sometimes get through the years of intimate life, but this is not an excuse to give up sex all this time,” recalls Igor Lyakh. What is important is different: if during oral sex all that you feel is personal discomfort, then there is a loss of contact with the partner. “The technique in oral sex is important only in terms of the quality of understanding the feelings of a partner,” Igor Lyah warns: no professional mechanistic movements will replace a sincere interest in making a loved one pleasant.
Installation 5: “I hate the taste of sperm, and the taste of the condom is even worse.” The
question is very difficult and delicate. The subject concerns sperm as such, for some girls the taste of ejaculate causes irresistible rejection, sexologists openly say. As Igor Lyakh explained, some psychoanalysts believe that this is connected with the mythologeme “if only he does not finish me” and by and large reflects the desire to become pregnant: the
fear of “kill living” is reflected in the aversion to the taste of sperm in such a complicated way.
Tip: you can always talk about tastes. On the taste of his sperm – too (remember the brave Samantha from “Sex in the City”). There are methods to bring to orgasm with the help of hands (the Internet is great and knows a lot). If absolutely unbearable, there are special condoms for oral sex with pleasant tastes – who is looking for, he will find a way out.
Installation 6: “I will, only if it will be”
Bargaining in bed is “consumer morality”: if you extract something from a co-existence, but in return give something reluctantly. Accordingly, the service of “one-sided sex” is perceived as something beyond the bounds: “How can I do it for nothing?” By the way, sexologists note: those women who consider oral caresses as terribly dirty work worthy of prostitutes on the sidelines, oddly enough, reflect the already established prostituting position in the pair. Agreeing to such an occupation, a woman is afraid that her “inauspicious” will open, and therefore seeks to beat everything as a great favor, crushing a sense of guilt.
Tip:The position of bargaining and mutual settlements in relations reflects the poor quality of the dialogue in the pair. Instead of figuring out why you go to bed, starting to divide the territory is completely hopeless.