29.10.2020

Men justify their treason, but they are not in a hurry to leave the family for the sake of a mistress

About the male power and endurance there are legends – which they only do: they commit feats and overcome obstacles. However, there is something that many men can not withstand – a long life (in different senses) with the same partner. It is only the habit and routine to penetrate into the cozy bedroom – and the man again pulls on the exploits, but of a different kind. What are the true causes of male infidelity and whether all the representatives of the stronger sex are guilty of this, the correspondent of SE explained. 

Call of nature
“We have such a nature,” the men spread their hands, watching the next woman in the mini. If we consider only the evolutionary aspect, there is nothing surprising in the fact that a man with a permanent partner does not stop there. By the way, the historical “popularity” of polygyny (from the Greek poly – a lot, and gyne – a woman) is associated with the larger size of men – they are 10% higher and 20% heavier than women. Scientists have found that, for example, in primates and some other species the greater the difference between the size of the female and the male, the more common in the polygynous species.

However, turning to the animal world, you can see that the spectrum of sex roles is wide and varied. Along with sea lions with harems and bonobo monkeys, which mate with different partners to relieve social tension in the pack, there are monogamous species. For example, swans-fizzy make a couple for life, and males of sea horses not only keep fidelity, but also bear offspring. 

It is the offspring that becomes the key factor in this matter. When both parents are required to grow cubs, monogamy is indispensable.Parental concerns about the human offspring are so great that it is almost impossible to cope with them alone.

“If you agree with Charles Darwin, male primates are polygamous, and their biological task is to scatter their own seed around the world,” says Evgeni Aleksandrov, a psychotherapist, Ph.D., director of the Amalthea Center. “But people are not monkeys, although at times you start to doubt …”.

If, nevertheless, we assume that we are not monkeys, and pay attention to the achievements of the human intellect, how to explain the wandering gaze that is characteristic of men, especially in the place of a large conglomeration of women? Scientists explain this by inherent properties of the person to keep children’s curiosity and playfulness in relation to the world around them. Curiosity extends to all spheres of life and leads not only to the genius discoveries, but also to the desire to find out what the pretty blond from the neighboring department is in bed. In most cases, the case is limited to sexual fantasies, but sometimes ends in an act that satisfies not only curiosity. 

Psychology of betrayal
Let’s move from evolution to psychology, and from theory to practice. The question “What does he lack?” Excites many, but it is already too late. The reasons are mass, and they are all well known to us.

1. Lack of sex . No matter how well you understand Russian literature and how rich your borsch may be, it does not save you in bed. Here, not only quality, but also quantity plays a role. When a wife regularly “has a headache,” the man starts looking for any other object. At the same time, according to the psychologist Alena Berdnik, the director of the training center “Culture of Relations”, he absolutely does not care who it will be. 

2. Psychological discomfort. What do you do when you do not find the skirt of the desired style in the store? That’s right, go to another store. The same is done by men, finding a lack of caress, love and care at home. “A man needs to feel welcome,” says Alena Berdnik. – There are already elements of flirting, and the object is selected more carefully. ” In the event that there are problems in the relationship with their own mother, the man, according to Yevgeny Alexandrov, is looking for Mom: “But it’s impossible to find, because another woman always differs from her own mother”. 
3. Just a womanizer. This is a special subspecies, prone to mimicry, so it is difficult to identify. Such men are not capable of monogamy: “If a woman appears on the horizon,” says Evgeni Aleksandrov, “this is a challenge to their nature. Love addiction is a dependence on the level of alcoholism, but when the victory is achieved, the hangover and breaking quickly begin. ” 
4. Down with menopause!This case in the people is called “gray hair in a beard, a demon in the rib.” A man may not be ready to accept the approaching old age, then he takes all the remaining forces to prove to himself and others that he is still young and hot. “About forty years old,” says Alena Berdnik, “when a man is already accustomed to his wife, much less hormones are released. Then he begins to look around in search of an object that would excite him with renewed vigor, he is looking for the return of previous sensations. ” 
5. Search for novelty. An example of a favorite dish that gets bored, if it is consumed daily, is known to everyone. New and unexplored is a powerful stimulant for men. “In sexology, there is the so-called Coolidge effect,” comments Evgeny Aleksandrov. – Coolidge was president of the United States in the early twentieth century and once with his wife toured the ranch in Texas. On one of them they showed a breeding bull, who managed to climb up to 8 cows in 20 minutes. And the president’s wife joked: they say, dear, you could not do it in your younger years. The president’s response also became the sexological effect of his name: “But the bull did not climb twice on the same cow.” 

Marriage and betrayal
Curiously, with regard to adultery, men have double standards: women’s treason is equated with betrayal, and men’s only confirms courage and sexual force. In the Russian mentality, man’s betrayal is easily justified, says Evgeni Aleksandrov: 

“As the Russian proverb says, the betrayal of a husband is spitting out the window, betraying his wife – spitting out the window. Again, betrayal emphasizes machismo: it is necessary, nothing is afraid, and therefore, not henpecked. ” 

As for the famous statement that “a good leftist strengthens a marriage”, as self-justification it looks rather ridiculous. Undoubtedly, treason indicates problems in the family, but it is impossible to solve them in this way. Except when a man needs to feel guilty or take revenge on his wife for some offense.

On two chairs

At the NSA forum, the SHE correspondent found a lot of touching stories from the life of married men, the essence of which comes down to accidentally coming in love and misunderstanding how to live on. It is possible to sit on two chairs at the same time, but it requires considerable effort. The question arises – why not leave your not-so-loved wife for the sake of an insanely beloved woman? Eugene Alexandrov explains this by the reluctance of men to face unnecessary difficulties: 

“Passion is strong, until it is soiled with everyday life. And it’s worth seeing the object of dreams in a nourishing mask and in the curler sitting on the toilet, it all disappears, and very quickly. 

And he was used to his wife – not very exciting, but also not very scary, with her there is already some kind of joint history. What for today to break the adjusted life, after all tomorrow the passion can and be extinguished? ».

Despite all attempts to scan the elect at the initial stage of the relationship for possible changes, you are unlikely to succeed. It is worth paying attention to the love-sexual history of your lover. If before you he was a heartthrob and a womanizer, it is quite possible that he will not stop. “In general, the guarantee against infidelity can only be issued by an insurance company,” Evgeni Aleksandrov admits. “And the possible betrayal of her husband can be a kind of lever for a smart woman to her own development.” 

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